


Stalker

by xxlyssxx



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Shingeki no Kyojin Fusion, Bottom Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Canon-Typical Violence, Complicated Relationships, Dark Eren Yeager, Dominant Eren Yeager, Dork Jean Kirstein, F/M, Gen, Implied Levi/Eren Yeager, Levi/Eren Yeager-centric, M/M, Overprotective Mikasa Ackerman, Pining Levi, Post-Canon, Self-Doubt, Sexual Content, Smart Armin Arlert, Violence, stalker eren, two sided eren
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-05
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-03-29 04:02:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 63,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3881533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxlyssxx/pseuds/xxlyssxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren Jaeger, a teenager living in a generation where technology dominates the whole humanity, finds himself alone for so many years. He finds an interesting hobby for him to patch the empty holes in his life : to stalk people online. Make friends with people through the internet, research their life backgrounds, finds their darkest secrets, then carelessly break them into scattered pieces. Levi, a well known person over the the internet because of his good looks, catches Eren's attention, building up an intense obssession over the man. What's Eren's true agenda for Levi?</p><p>*****This fic is under major editing process(Just a few chapters tho) But I'm still updating. Thank you and Sorry!! *******</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [David](https://archiveofourown.org/users/David/gifts).



> Hey x this is my first fanfic! Yes! I'm not an incredibly talented writer, but I'll try my best to express every feelings/thoughts/emotions of my characters. Spellings and Grammar might have an error, so pardon in advance (Anyways idk if someone will actually read this hehe) If you do, I love you.  
> Warnings : Some statements might be offensive and disturbing in your part, so please, be guided. I don't want to cause any conflicts.

The night falls within my room again. The darkness crawl under my bed, over my chest, and even at the tiniest space within the familiar area. It's always like this, every single day, when the sun needs to rest for the half of humanity.

  
I would gladly follow the sun rays if that's even possible. I want it to warm my caramel kiss skin, my turtoise eyes, my chocolate brown hair. I want it through my bones, through my soul. I never want it to rest, and provide the other side of the world. I loath the darkness, though it calms my nerves for some occassions. Darkness makes my mind spark into confusion, and it'll suddenly builds fire, a massive, uncontrollable fire. Then I'll find myself, still wide awake at 2am, or even as late as 4am, blowing my loath and discomfort over innocent people. It gives me chills, fulfillment, excitement. The bright screen of my laptop reminds me of the sun, and it makes my mind active, much eager.

  
Sometimes, I ask myself, Why?

  
_Why are you doing this Eren?_

  
_What are you doing this for?_

  
Then my inside conscience will automatically respond : _Cause you can, Eren. And those people, those people who gains attention online never deserve any single affection. You know what they deserve Eren? PAIN.DREAD.EMPTINESS. Like what you have, like what you feel. You should dessiminate that feeling to other people, so at least, you know you're not alone._

  
Of course, one by one, I'll make this people feel what I feel. They deserve that. There's two reasons why I target a particular victim : first, If they are pathetic or absurd. Second is if I find them intruguing, so all I want to do is to break them apart.

  
Sasha Blouse, my current target. Popular because of her food blog, making people drool over cuisines they will never get to taste. _What a bitch_. I am assured she knew that there are many poor children who can't even take their regular meals, and there she is, enjoying her banana slipt and after a couple of scoops will probably go to waste.

  
I made her my friend. She trusted me. She told me her deepest secrets. Her scars, her hidden thoughts, the darkest part of her soul. What an easy target she is? This people are weak. They can't fight in the real world so they spend their time online, being a fame-whore, as how they call it.

  
I hacked her blog, she trusted me even of her piece of fame. I share every.single.awful things about her almost rotten personality. I posted every.single.shameless pictures of Sasha Blouse. And that. She gained hate from people who once adore her false conviction, hypocrites who know nothing better than to satisfy their wild taste. She deleted every single account she owned, facebook, instagram, twitter, and even her well-known food blog. My distate for this kind of people is blistering. I, myself, didn't know where did this intense passion came from. All I know is that it relieves me, my chest, my veins, my whole being. It gives me the sense of domination over this weak people. I liked it. Their pain is my battery. Their agony is my piece of revenge over the cruelty of my own existance. And with that, I can gain the power, the authority to control the weak, for them to understand how it feels like to be helpless and betrayed.

  
"SIR BREAKFAST IS READY!" My throbbing temple restrain me from fascinating the sunlight that hugs my entire sight. I pulled myself against the soft bed, feeling the remorse of staying up all night. It wasn't because I feel the guilt of crashing Sasha's entire food blog carrer. I just feel like shit because of the lack of sleep, which is basically that bitch's fault.

  
"Coming Mrs. Briffin." I tried to raised my voice, so it can reach the kitchen from where the wake up call came from. Mrs. Briffin is a mad, strict as a math professor, family maid. She'll never stop her cachophony until she heared my voice calling back. Mrs. Briffin is the one who raised my brat ass while my parents are too busy arguing about business stuffs. I rarely lay an eye at my parents. They'll be home for a day then fly their ass out back to a business trip or 'a very important' seminar. I didn't understand then, when I was still a kid, on why would my parents leave me to an unknown woman. I was confused and depressed once. But then, I start to slowly build up a massive wall with a huge sign "I don't give a  fuck anymore"

  
I rushed downstairs, which took me a while considering the spacious room of our mansion. At the ground floor, left part of an aisle, I found Mrs. Briffin standing next to Mikasa, wearing her usual black and white uniform, old and faded. The table is suprisingly stuffed with beaucop amount of edibles. Right, because Mikasa is here. I'm never fond of heavy breakfast. I constantly take instant noodles or a couple of toast and an egg to break my fast. Even tho Mrs. Briffin was strongly agaisnt it, she can't break the ugly habit of mine.

  
"Mornin" Mrs. Briffin nod, while Mikasa stayed her deadpan face.

  
"Eren." Mikasa took a sip of her lemon green tea before gesturing me to take the seat next to her. I was extremely anxious. Even though Mikasa is my twin sister, I never really get to know her that well. Plus, we look so different. She resembles our mum's oriental features, while I copy my dad's European structure.

  
"How was London?" I asked casually, reaching a couple of toast and an egg and place it in my own plate. I still feel the tense on my stomach though. She never gone home for almost a year, her presence is still fresh for me. Mikasa has been studying in an All Girls Dormitory School in London since 3rd grade. My parents saw a 'great potential' towards Mikasa, saying it's such a waste if she continue studying here in Germany. They have planned of sending me there too, but I declined immediately. My best friend, my only friend in the whole wide world , is existing right here. I can't just let that precious person walk out of my life.

  
"P'etty good. You'll like it the'e. Why don't you come wi'f me?" Her strong british accent echoed around the room. She doesn't speak like this before. I hate how she turns out to be silent, serious and 'sophisticated'. I kinda miss the old Mikasa, but still, the connection between us never fades. She cares for me, and I care for her, too. It's just that most of the time she gets over protective and it's getting really disturbing.

  
"I'm not going anywhere." My mood instantly alter, sending a heavy athmosphere around the table. She knows how much I abhor this topic of 'getting away from here', yet she never drop the subject down.

  
"A'min. Because of A'min." She hissed as I gave her a murderous glare. I cautiously pushed a force against the table, streching out the stress tendon . I lost my appetite, which is a usual routine whenever Mikasa is around.

  
"I'm going to be late." I walked out of the room, hearing Mikasa's fading shriek "it's just 7am, your class is at 8". I know, Mikasa is not as stupid and worthless as my parents. She honeslty cares, but the distance between us becomes a huge barrier. Even though she calls me as often as possible, I can't help but to distance myself from her. I won't let anyone discern the deepest, the darkest part of my being.

  
The 15 minute walk to Armin's place seems to took me forever. The heavy winter air made my situation even worse. _I should've taken the car with me._ But Armin hates the suffocating scent of the car. He feels trapped, and it makes him uncomfortable. He likes to travel, but he hates the presence of being stuck in a car. How weird is that?  Then suddenly, I find myself lost in thoughts, and infront of Armin's rusty front gate.

  
"I'm outside." I sent a message to Armin and a sudden presence of blond blast out of the main door, still wearing a set of pink pajamas with a wild bed hair.

  
"J'SUS EREN."  Armin swiftly glide the gate open, solicitude painted down his expression. "Come, come, come!  you little brat! It's freaking cold, why are you here in this early morning?!" He briskly grabbed me by the arm, pulling me inside. This place was still the same, never had changed over the years. Tiny, yet cozy and warm. This is where I can feel more like home, compared to our spacious, empty mansion. Their living room is consist of a small television and a small set of couch, the wall decorated with antique carved woods, giving an old and rusty atmosphere.

  
"Ah, young man." Armin's grandfather beamed a smile while holding his huge cup of coffee. He was sitting infront of a window, with crystal tattersell design. It was almost pretty, but the dust beneath the spaces of the lines are unpleasant, giving an antique look in the house' interior.  
"Good morning Pops!" This is where I can act casually, without the fear of breaking any rules. And well, Armin's grandpa is cool, too.

  
"Eren. You wait here. I'll fix myself ." Armin yelled as he run up his room. I throw myelf against the minute couch, shifting my back with few movements until I get comfortable.

  
"Coffee?" Pops raised his cup for a kindly offer. "I'm good, pops."

  
"Something wrong, kid?" He let out a deep breath, never unlocking his stare over the filthy window. His tone was grave, like he already knew what I was thinking. It gives shiver through my spine. This man was well sculpted by the cruelty of the world. He was capable of understanding even the most crucial part of a person. This is the only thing I hated from this old man. He's insightful, and with that, he's capable of ripping out the cages where my true identity is hidden.

  
"Nothing's wrong, old man." I smirked to myself, trying my best to play cool. _You can't go wrong Eren_ , my inside thoughts hissed.

  
"I'M DONE. LET'S GO EREN." Armin yanked me up from the couch and pull ourselves outside after saying our goodbyes for the old man.

  
Our local highschool is 15 minutes away from Armin's place. Enough time to freeze my body, enough time to feel numb. We walked in a pace, leaving a couple of inch between each others cold body.

  
"What was wrong, Eren?" Armin knows my being, _almost_ knew everything about me. He's smart like his grandpa, but not as prudent as him.

  
"Mikasa." I mumbled, looking at the cold smoke coming out of my mouth.

  
"She's here? Ah, that's great! When can I see her?" Armin turn to face me, walking at a backward pace. Hearing Mikasa's name makes Armin exhilarate. It's pretty obvious, how much he likes my twin sister. The three of us used to hangout before Mikasa fly out to London, leaving Armin and his intense affection desolved in the air. But Armin never give up, he's constant and patient, waiting for Mikasa every Christmas season.

  
"She never shut up about moving out. It's kind of annoying." I hissed, ignoring Armin's excitement over Mikasa.

  
"What's stopping you from going anyway?" Armin turn his feet again, occupying his original place. What kind of question was that?  You're the mainly reason why. I want to protect you, Armin. I don't wanna lose the only person who I can handle on when I'm shriking into a hallow air. But I can't say it by words. I just can't. I'm terrefied, that he'll take advantage of my benignity. Even tho Armin is the closetest person I have ever been, there's still an invisible force pulling me off from trusting him wholeheratedly.

  
"I don't want to leave this place." I murmured under the thick grey scarf wrapping around my neck. It's true. I don't want to leave this place. I don't want to set myself as a human bait to unknown strangers.

  
"Eren, the world is full of wonders. Don't cage yourself inside your room and your countless gadgets." Armin wrinkled his nose before continuing his ranting routine. "The ocean, mountains, lakes, you should see em!"

  
"Armin, we're talking about London. Buildings, Trains, Big Ben, and Pollution." His pretty smile turned upside down, and I kinda felt sorry for what I said. Armin's dream is to travel the world. To see every piece of the earth that he never seen before. He's passionate about it, you can see his baby blue eyes glister whenever he talks about this ruined travel guide book his grandfather gave him.

  
"But.."

  
"I was just kidding, idiot. We can find the ocean, mountains, even lakes there for sure." I ruffled Armin's hair trying to lift up his spirit. He smiled as an approval.

  
We almost lost track and passed a few steps from our school's front gate, and I blame Armin's expansiveness for that. But I like listening to his story about his book, even though it's kind of repetitive. I will never get tired of listening to my friend's hopes and dreams. Every passion he builds becomes mine too.

  
"See you later." Armin escaped from my side, waving his both hands in the air. I stare at him until he's out of sight. He's taking french class, while I have a 2 hour calculus class with Dr. Pixis. The thought of him and the dark circles below his eyes makes me cringe to the bones. His pestilent stare makes the tough calculus even more difficult. It's not like that I detest numbers and equations, it's just that it's hard to focus on something whenever someone stares at you like everything you do is inappropriate, even your own breathing.

  
I have this weird habit of chewing the soft part of my pen cap. It's an involuntary movement my body makes whenever I feel weary, constatly happening in my calculus.

  
"Mr. Jaeger, chewing off that plastic will never bring your grades up." Dr. Pixis pointed his grotesque wooden stick that he uses to hit his lazy student's hands. I dropped the pen cap back in the actual pen and sit up straight.  
"I'm sorry, sir." I mouthed. He linger his eyes over me with such scrunity, making my spine cringe again. What the hell is wrong with his man? Am I such a hateful student? I never get into trouble nor make stuffs that might annoy the hell out of him, but why?

  
"Attention at the board-- " And then he continues his lecture about logirithim and shits. All I did for the rest of the period is to gaze over the board, and to pretend that I was interested and listening. As soon as he dismissed the class, I hurriedly retreat myself from the sight of Mr.Pixis.

  
Knowing that I will share the next class with Armin pumps me up. It's World Geography, and as expected of him, he keeps an intense focus towards the teacher. And seeing his athrist for cognizance makes me wanna stay focus on the said topic too. I feel normal when I do. I feel more like Armin, the thirst for knowledge, seeking adventures and escaping the box we are in. I wish I can be totally normal as him, though. Then the jelousy will kick in again. _Why can't I be like Armin? Why can't I have a smart grandparent who will tell stories about his adventures? Why can't I live normally, in a tiny, cozy place? Why can't I? Why am I Eren Jaeger? Why I am not Armin Arlert instead?_

  
"You see, there's a magestic lavender garden in United Kingdom, see Eren? Not just buildings, trains, Big ben and pollution." Armin said, sneaking his moving mouth under his scrapy old scarf. _He needs a new one._

  
"I never know that thing. I guess staying in London is not shitty as I thought." I shrugged, making sure that my tone was friendly as possible.

  
"Will you go then?" There's a hint of pang in his tone. Knowing Armin for a long time, he's the kind of person who will choose the better for the people he loves, even though it'll cause a severe hurt in his part. This is one of those things I failed to adore about Armin. I understand where it's coming from , though. I know how to love and protect significant people in my life, and that's how me and Armin relate. The difference is, I'm keeping them close to me, by my side, what ever it takes, whatever happens, I'll chain them if I could, just to be sure they will never leave. But then, I'm failing to do so, hundreds of times.

  
"Not now, but WE will, in the future." And that's final. I won't leave Armin behind. Never in my wildest nightmare.

  
"You're the best, Eren." Am I? The compliment rings through my ears, making a pathetic conclusion of why he'll call me the best when I'm worse than worse. Anyways, it's Armin, all that flows out his mouth are beautiful things. So I just nod and smirked, a gesture of acceptance, only half of it though.

  
School was over, meaning, I need to face Mikasa and her peroration about London and how's it's best for me to move out with her. I wish I could just stay at Armin's for the night, but his uncomfortable and pint-size bed never let me drown in sleep. I hate being raised in an affluent living. Without the wealth of my parents, without this comfortable mansion, I am nothing but a walking flesh. If I lost everything I have now, I'll be paralize, helpless, I rather be in a comma for 10 years.

  
**Armin:** Did you make it home safe?

  
This is his usual text every after school. We're worst than a romantic couple in a romantic movie. But no, it's just that we care so much for each other. You can't choose Armin without Eren as an appetizer on the side. We're like cereal and milk or burger and fries, but nothing romantic, just a deep, sentimental friendship.

  
**Eren:** Yep, I did. Mikasa's not home. :(  
**Armin:** Why? :( where is she? :( Can I visit you tom? :///)  
**Eren:** Don't use 'you'. Yes, you can visit Mikasa. Make sure to bring books.  
**Armin:** Okay, see you! Am very excited**!*@^@*  
**Eren:** see ya. Don't get too excited :P

  
I throw my phone over my king size bed before sliding in the blankets, reaching from my laptop. I'm too lazy to change my outfit, anyways, you can never go wrong with jeans and band shirt.

  
As soon as I open my laptop, tons of emails flashed in the screen. I smirked, knowing it's from my dreadful  victims and their pathetic bessech. Excitement rushed through me, thrilling my cold winter nerves.

  
**FROM SASHA BLOUSE :**  
Eren, please, I'm begging you. Stop this. I thought you were my friend? I thought you like me? I thought you like foods, too? I thought you wanted to taste every single exquisite cuisine in the world with me? Are you playing with me all this time? Are you LYING all this time? Eren, I love you, you know that. And I owe you so much. You became my inspiration to work harder, because you're giving me positive perspective. Why are you doing this to me? Please tell me, why? I trusted you.

  
I rolled my eyes at her queer statement. _You love me? I am your inspiration? Bitch._ You're doing your very best just to earn popularity and symphaty. Directing people that you're better than them, that they should envy your false devotion. You do not deserve any admiration. You deserve shit loads of hatred, loathing, judgements. I want to dig a pit and bury you with your shit load of gluttony.

  
**TO SASHA BLOUSE:**  
Eat shit you pig. Fame whore slut. You deserve it.

  
Ah, the words of agony. I feel mighty and satisfied whenever I used those words against queer individuals.  
And that's how I'll end their misery, never will I ever reply to their piteous emails again. Witnessing their pitiful begging is enough for me, it's my foremost reward . It felt good, knowing that they'll live the rest of their lives loathing me, Eren Jaeger, a sadist teenager who urge cruelty and savageness. That's how I want to remember my name. That's how the world will remembers me, even after my ferocious death.

I turned off my laptop, ignoring the other unread messages.  
I snatch my phone back before dialing Mikasa's number.

  
"Yes, I'm home. -- Are you somewhere near a clothes store? -- Good! Can you buy a new scarf for Armin? -- No, not pink. -- Buy a couple of it. Wrap it in a box and write your name on it. -- DO IT! He'll come tomorrow, give that as a present. -- Mikasa... -- I don't need a new one, I got shit load hiding in my closet -- NO -- Good -- Yes I like donuts -- okay thank you -- I love you too."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you guys are actually reading my thing, and the thought keeps me overwhelmed, thank you very much. I'm a slow writer, tho. I'm taking it slow. I want to develop the love and hate over Eren's character. I was sick for 3 days and having a bad cough till today, and it's not really helping. Thank you so much (again)

It's saturday atlast, but the sky is gloomy. The sun failed to greet me this morning, causing me to fell into an extented slumber, longer than my usual body clock. I woke up that forenoon because of the vibrating motion under my pillow. I growled under my sheets and reach my hand under the pillow, searching for the unseen phone. As soon as my fingers had a contact on the freezing metal, I swiftly grabbed it, slide my thumb over the screen and shift it over my ear. 

"Yes..?" I let out an indolent greeting, my eyes still shut from the aftermath of my late night unconsiousness. 

"EREN I'M SO NERVOUS. DAMMIT, WHAT SHOULD I WEAR?! SHOULD I WEAR SHORTS OR--" "Armin, it's freezing outside, you can't just wear 'shorts'. Calm the fuck down. Wear an adequate hoddie, a pair of jeans maybe, WEAR A BEANIE. You look hotter that way." I streched on the opposite side of my king size bed and chuckled, knowing that it'll embarrass Armin's manliness, if he even possessed a bit of that. 

"Eren..." Armin mumbled over the phone. I can feel his self-consiousness even he's out of sight . It's a bit entertaining, seeing Armin's soft side releaved, the uncomfortably nervous boy, smart enough to deal with physics and calculus, but not keen enough to decide for an outfit. 

"Fine, fine.. but I'm serious.. Wear that black hoodie with a white X design, that's pretty decent, and stylish too. A pair of jeans, AND A BEANIE." Of all the pieces in Armin's closet, that's the only thing that catches my taste, mainly because it's black. But Armin rarely wears black garments, unlike me, who indulge himself over dull and pale colors, the usual shade of death and loneliness. It gives off aesthetic vibe in my outlook, simple yet elegant. 

"Are you sure?" Armin asked hesitantly. 

"I'll pick you up at 12. Pack a couple of DECENT pajamas, you'll stay at mine tonight. Don't forget the books , and THE BEANIE." I let out a rant, neglecting Armin's last statement. I maybe acting a bit dictatorial, but I'm doing this for Armin's sake. All I want is the best for him.... and Mikasa. My senses' telling me that Armin and Mikasa are well made for each others' existance. Like, yes, they seemed to be diversed from each other, but you know what they say, right? Opposite attracts. Which I stupidly believe. Mikasa is a stiff, apathetic and an over protective sister, while Armin is soft, eager and shy. Every empty holes of the other one can be filled by the other half. Maybe that's why we're inborn flawed and imperfect, we're resembling those unfinished puzzle, biding our time for someone who can actually fill the gaps between our missing pieces, and we'll do the same for them, making each other whole. _How lovely, Jaeger. Why are you daydreaming about that now? You'll never find your imaginary puzzle pieces. You don't deserve it. You were born to patch things up by yourself. No one will ever save you, cause everyone is busy saving themselves._ Yes, the rule might be deficient in my part, but some people are adequate with the rule, including Armin and Mikasa. 

"Aye Sir! thanks, see ya later aligator." Armin playfully laughed before hanging up the call. I smile to myself, knowing that this day will be an extraordinary day. Spending some time with the people I cherish the most is special cause I can feel that I am whole, even for a limited period of time. 

I doffed the thick layers of blankets over my cold body before sliding off bed. My body instantly froze, even though my heater was set in a full blast. Realizing that my consious existance is colder than the weather, I shrugged it off and took a quick shower and brush my teeth while I'm on the tub. It's an awry habit, but doing two functions at a time will kinda save time isn't it?

Never had I fancy taking a long hot bath. I hate wasting time alone in this white, bone-chilling piece of porcelain. I have an unsual detestation over silence and this bathroom gives that vibe on my nerves. As soon as I left the bathroom, my comfortable body heat shifted into cold ass skin. The piece of towel hanging on my waist never ease the stinking air. I haste towards my closet and grab the first folded garment over the piles of hundred ones. I ended up wearing a plain grey hoodie, a black skinny jeans, a navy blue scarf and a white leather boots. I stare over the mirror located at the side of my closet, thinking if I should wear a beanie or leave my chocolate hair exposed in the freezig air. Ah, the cold makes my hair soft anyways. 

"Eren." A familiar voice wakes up my senses. I haste at my door and turn the knob before setting an eye over my twin sister and her usual impassive face. 

"It's almost 12 noon, you skipped breakfast." Mikasa suddenly changed into a caring and sweet little sister, which is kinda annoying honestly. 

"Tch. Shut up will you? Armin is staying for the night." I stood stiff, showing dominance over the tenacious girl. 

"That's cool. Nev'a seen him in ages." 

"Yep. We will go food shopping first. Mrs. Griffin is out for this weekend." Good thing she is. She never really let 'stangers' come and stay at the mansion, for 'security' purposes. Though Armin is not a stranger for me, Mrs. Griffin is still willful about his morals. 

Mikasa's eyes lit up a little bit, her dark eyes sparkle, staring up to me. "I'm going wi'f you?" Mikasa asked ditherly. She obviously want to spend more time with me, and maybe with Armin, too. She really is like a hard boiled egg, hard and oppressive on the outside, but gentle and caring in the inside. 

"Yes, you're going with us. Don't forget the scarf I told you to wrapped. -- I got it -- Did you put your name on it? --I did, but -- Are you going to change your outfit? --is this okay though?-- Yep, it's cool. So I'll be on the car, grab the scarf and I'll wait for you." Mikasa nod in alarment. I rushed downstairs, hearing Mikasa's fading footsteps running to her room. _She is excited_ , I smirked to myself. It actually felt good, knowing that you make those important people in your life somewhat happy. _Queer people over the internet doesn't count, though. Anyways, they're not as important as Mikasa and Armin._

There are five cars standing in our parking lot, one is mine, one is for Mikasa, one is for mom, and two for dad. I sighed, realizing how prodigal this family is. I mean, those profligate couple never really stay their ass in this country, yet they waste extravagant amount of money just to satisfy their opulent lifestyle.

I stepped inside the driver's seat before starting on the engine and drive the vehicle infront of the mansion's porch, waiting for Mikasa. I tapped my fingers over the steering wheel as an unsual ansty kicking in me. The sound of the creaking door followed by a violent slam is a sign that my boredom was over. Mikasa pulled the passanger seat open, hopping in excitedly. 

"You seem very excited." I smirked, turning the car outside of our automatic gate, who opens and close itself. How futuristic was that? 

Mikasa let out a chuckle before saying "It's just nice, spending time with my precious boys. I'm missing a lot, you two grow up so fast." 

"You sound like a grandma, Mikasa. You're just 18." Then a chorus of giggle fill the breezy car. My lungs fill with absolute air. It feels light and pure, like it doesn't filter even a single pollutant in the midst air. The hefty boulder I've been carrying inside my chest for years, seems to lift in the thin air. Maybe I'm feeling relieved, or bliss, or soothe? My consiousness can't point it out, yet it feels good. But I'm terrified though, percieving this positive emotion. Cause I know, down to my deepest conscience, that the feeling of blissfulness has always been followed by the feeling of melancholy. You'll feel lonely and alone after you realized how joyous you are a moments ago. You'll be hoping of the good times, but while waiting for it to happen, you'll be drowining in the deadly depression until it's time for the good times to took over again. It's not a coinsidental cycle, it's a feeling, living inside of us. 

After a a few chatter, we finally arrived on Armin's place. I cluched the car's break before hopping outside, stepping over a thick layer of snow. Mikasa did the same, running her shoes closer to my side. Before I could grab my phone and send a text message, Armin appeared from the dusty old door of their humble home. His eyes spark in excitement as soon as he set an eye over Mikasa, slowly taking puny steps towards their rusty gate. 

"Oi, aren't you polite enough to invite us inside?" I friskyly cried. Armin gave me a dissappointed frown, telling me not to embarrass his ass infront of Mikasa. 

"Pops has a bad cough. He doesn't want anyone near him. Might catch it if you do." I saw him wrinkling his nose while stepping out of the gate. 

"A'min." Mikasa smiled to Armin, sending a deep crimson shade on the blond's cheeks. I gave Armin a tiny gesture, asking for his huge backpack.

"You ne'vah changed at all." 

"You saw him a year ago. There's nothing new." I uttered as I thrust Armin's stuffs inside the car. This thing sure is massive for Armin's capability. 

 "Eren gained height in the past few months, but you, little one, is as tiny as ev'ah." Mikasa ruffled Armin's hair, and I can tell from the poor boy's posture that he's nervous and shaking under those thick layer of garments. He's wearing that black hoodie with an X, a pair of faded jeans, and a beanie, exactly what I told him to wear. 

"B-But I-I'm taller than you, Mikasa." Mikasa shrugged, crossing arms over her chest. 

"Still tiny." If we never knew Mikasa's nature, we will assume that she's serious about that 'joke'. That's how me and Mikasa turns to be identical, she never let anyone 'in', like I do. The only difference is, I am much hazardous. I'm not showing the wall I'm building. I'm a silent murderer. 

"Ah, you both are tiny, actually. So don't argue on that." I speak out before they could continue their endless arguement over height differences. The two gave me a deadly glare and a light chuckle skipped from my lips. Did they seriously got offended by that 'tiny' word? 

"Fine, it's a 'cute size' so dropped it. Get in the car, it's freezing." I pointed out. I turned on the heater inside the car and the warm air comforts our chilly skin after a minute. I looked over the rear mirror, seeing Armin's uncomfortable reflection. Right, he hates car ride. I can't help him with that though. I can't let him walk outside alone. 

"Anyways, A'min. I bought a gift for you." Mikasa carelessly shuffled the stuffs in her pouch before picking up a small box wrapped in a soft blue paper. She turned to strech her arm towards Armin, who shyly grab the present and tugged it over his chest. 

"T-thank you, Mikasa. B-But I got nothing for you, I'm sorry." Armin was a bit startled. You can see those cheeks burning under that old scarf. 

"No worries. Open it now." Mikasa gave Armin a rare, kind smile. Armin unwrapped the present using his quevering hands. I chuckled, amazed by Armin's nervousness over the girl's presence. 

"T-This is.. I really like it. Thank you so much." Armin held the scarf close to his nose, sniffing the fresh cotton into his senses. He let out a tiny whimper, getting emotional over that simple gift. How cute was that? 

"Come on Armin. Don't get too excited over a simple scarf, cry baby." I teased. Armin wiped his watering eyes with the back of his hands.

"I'M NOT CRYING. I..I just... I appreciate Mikasa's gift!" Armin cried out, causing a chorus of laugther between me and Mikasa. 

"Aren't you a cute little toodler?" I cackled, sending Armin into much embarassment. 

"EREN SHUT UP." I could see him pouting his thin lips over my rear mirror. I just realized how much I laughed within this day so far, being anxious as ever. It's worth the risk, though. That's how life works anyway, I'll just try not to be carried away with positive emotions.

Fortunately, we arrived in the town mall before the sky even drizzled white and cold puff on the surface once more. The place was suprisingly packed with numerous people, considering the freezing temperature. 

"It's too crowded." Armin breathed in frustration. His hatred towards tiny spaces is pretty chaotic. 

"Weekends." Mikasa explained by just using a single word. I eyed over my wrist watch : 12:30 pm. It took us 30 minutes from our house and to Armin's before arriving at the mall which is quicker compared to normal. 

"It's already time for lunch. We should get something to eat before going back home, and food shopping of course." I gazed at the two tiny people I'm towering over, waiting for their approval. 

"Can I get a coffee?" Mikasa asked reluctantly. This is when I'm assured that the barrier between are bond is visible. _This is their fault_. If they didn't forced Mikasa to depart from me and this country, maybe our relationship as a twin got deeper, sentimental even. 

"Of course. Let's go get some coffee first before settling on our lunch then?" Both of them nod in agreement. I signed, conceiving that I'm the only one who keeps the conversation alive. We walk in silence for a couple of minutes before Armin speak out. God knows how glad I am that he had the guts of breaking the awkward silence. 

"Ah, Mikasa? How was London?" Armin let out a query across me, who is standing between him and Mikasa. 

"Shitty weath'a. People a'h nice, though. But I like it mo'e here." Mikasa replied without even glancing at Armin's direction. 

"Starbucks." Mikasa stated, streching her hands to point at the small, cozy cafè. "Let's talk later, Armin. I need coffee. My body's still adjusting from the time difference." Mikasa ordered a large hot cup of dark coffee while I ordered a small cappucino latte for a take out. Armin didn't ordered anything because 'caffeine is an addicting drug' 

I'm planning of taking them in a premium restaurant on the way home, but the two agreed that they liked to eat at Mcdonald's. How can they overlook the exquisity of my suggestions because of the filthy food that they serve in Mcdonald's? People really are absurd oftentimes. 

Mikasa ended up ordering a quarter pound patty that goes well with her coffee takeout from Starbucks. Armin decided to go with a double cheese burger and a hot chocolate. While I ended up with Mikasa's choice too. 

"A'min, aren't we done yet with our little chit chat?" Mikasa spoke across me and Armin. The boy almost choked his sandwhich, not expecting the sudden query from Mikasa. 

"Y-Yes. So I w-was asking- "

"Yep. I told you." Mikasa surprisingly grinned. 

"Yes.."

Armin got the hint, that Mikasa's gesture of amicable smile was asking for his trust, that there's no need for him to be afraid and startle everytime he tries talking with the impassive girl. That was the first time I saw the two most significant people in my life having a normal talk. There's no word to describe how pleased I am, how proud I am for myself, that I'm having the capability of keeping them together, without chaining them close to me. I observed them in silence, not wanting to interrup their little chat. I find myself grinning the whole time, which is a rare expression of mine.  _Do you even deserved feeling this kind of happiness, eren?_


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was supposed to post earlier this week but I accidentally deleted the file :( idk how or why i'm kinda (really) stupid oftentimes.

I can't feel my arms, nor I can move my fingers. My temples are afflictively aching, and my legs are sore and numb. I can scarcely move my whole physical self, yet I can feel the hefty warm stuff laying against my body. I sluggishly lift my eyelids to see Armin and Mikasa's heads resting on both of my sore arms. Both their legs wrapping against my thin thighs, and I can feel Mikasa rubbing her cold feet against the back of my knees, sending shiver to my skin. While Armin on the opossite side is burying his pale cheeks under the pit of my arm. My medium physic undoubtedly sent them into a fancy lull. _How did we end up with this awkward position anyway, looks like they're the only one who's having a good ass sleep._ All that's left on my memory is that we're watching Insidious 2 last night, and these two craven constanly pressing themselves against my body, and maybe I fell asleep halfway of the movie.

I halt there for a few minutes, staring at the white ceiling in nullity. Armin suddenly hurl his arms around my upper torso, squeezing our serried bodies even closer. His nose already touching my lower neck as my body automatically flinched because of the sudden contact. I'm damned uneasy with this intense intimacy. The cold has became my companion since my parents left me by the hands of an unrelated maid. I'm shivering and numbing the whole time. It gets too often that the painful sensation turned into a sudden comfort. It's not that I don't feel the pain, it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore.

"Cold..." Armin murmured over my collar bone, sending tepid breath in my raw skin. I send a sudden jolt that causes Armin to wake back into consiousness. He cast a glance to me before realizing how perverse our situation is.

"Eren - damn I'm sorry, I thought you were a pillow." Armin said after jerking away from me. He closely watch as I anxiously budged Mikasa's head against the nearby pillow.

"Damn, I thought someone injected a f*cking anethesia on my whole body." I hissed as I streched my arms in a circular motion, bending my neck once in a while. Remorse took over Armin's expression, which is not a good morning start.

"I didn't -"

"Nah, forget it. I'm just a bit moody - your bestfriend's not a morning person, right?" I sadly do. Slumber is the only escape I can exercise from my tangled disposition. I'm completely amazed on how sleeping , though. Like you are there, warm and breathing, yet you are senseless. Our consciousness completely escapes from our being, yet we're still alive. It's like a transient death. You're not aware of happening in the real world yet you're ware in an imaginary dream. It's like you're living in two different worlds, yet possesing just a single body. But the most crucial thing is, we never know what's going on, what's going to happen. Will we still be in the same place when we wake up? Will our body still be in place? Are we still in one piece by then? Do people around you left? Will they stay? And the most ghastly suspicion is... _Is your consciouness going to come back, ever again?_

"Uhm, yeah. We better prepare breakfast while Mikasa's still asleep. Remember what happened a couple of years ago?" Then the memories from the last couple of years flashed back. Mikasa's enthusiasm over cooking was so intense that she almost burned Armin's house for real. She poured the whole bottle of margarine over the scalding frying pan, sending a booming explosion and moderate fire over the Arlert's kitchen.

"Hell we can't let that happen again." We both chortled in chorus before heading our feet down the kitchen.

We ended up frying a few strips of bacon, three sunny side ups and plenty of toasts. The smell of toasted bacon swings around the kitchen, and I'm assuming that it reaches the other part of the mansion, too. The spirit of felicity crawls over my chest again. I never had a breafast with someone for a very long time. My morning routine is consist of eating alone in this massive elongated table with Mrs. Briffin's eyes observing every bite I took.

"Mo'nin." Mikasa slothfully greeted before joining us over the kitchen counter. She's wearing one of my hoodies that's too huge for her tiny physic so it hungs on her thighs. Armin is wearing a set of blue cotton pajamas while I wear a pair of boxers and the grey hoodie from last night.

"Morning." Me and Armin said in chorus as I set the plates on the massive, cold ass table.

"Why didn't you woke me up? I should've be the one making breakfast. I'm the g'al." Mikasa set herself on the table seat, lazily rubbing her eyes using the back of her hands. Me and Armin gave each other gauche gaze, waiting for the other one to speak up.

"Uhm, We don't want to burn the house?" I reluctantly construe. The girl surprisingly stood placid, never giving her infamous deadly-monsterous-glare I'm currently expecting.

"I was sixteen then. I know no'thin bett'ah." Mikasa rolled her eyes as she crossed her arms over her chest. Armin grabbed the last few piece of bacons before joining us in the table.

We eat in silence for a couple of minutes before Mikasa send a sudden query.

"A'h you liking someone, E'ren?" Armin gasped, almost throwing up the couple of spoon fulls he took a minute ago.

"What an abrupt question, Mikasa." I swallowed the remaining stuffs in my mouth before returning to my unfinished statement. "But no, I'm not liking someone at the moment." _Liking someone?_ How does it feel to like someone anyway? I mean, I like Armin as a friend, I like Mikasa as my sister, but nothing else goes after that. Never had I fancy someone else existance before. Some girls at our gives me some kind of 'liking' though, but I never really pay any attention. It's just stupid. Admiring someone just because of what? their looks? their style? their personality? Liking someone just because of that 'special' or 'extraordinary' part of them, is obtuse. How about the flaws? their ugly sides? Are you still willing to 'like' their hideous parts? You're just liking their pleasant side, not their whole being, and I personally think it's absurd.

"You, Mikasa? Are you liking someone?" I was startled by Armin's qeury. When did he got that ass load of guts huh?

"Act'ually..." I swear I catch a hint of blush against Mikasa's cheeks. "The'e's this hot substitute english teache'ah at my highschool." Mikasa shrugged casually, trying to play it cool. I saw Armin biting his lips timidly, looking down at his almost untouched plate.

"Substitute teacher?" I apetheticly asked, spooning another bacon on my mouth

. "Yup. Name's Levi, Levi Ackerman." I was strucked in pause. _Levi_. What an indelible name. _Levi Ackerman._ It quickly leaves an imprint in my sensible conscience. _What, Eren? What's bothering you? Tell me. Are you being inquisitive over the name? What you want to do with him? Huh? Eren?_

"I kinda like him, but he's just too old fo' me. He's like, what? Twenty five? Twenty six? I con't deal with that" Armin let out cryptic sign of relief while I gazed in void. My head seems to afloat over a soothe set of waves, calming my still sore body. The name's pulling me into some discreet connection, like I'd known him from my past life or I met him before in this actual world. An unforeseen nostalgia abruptly thumping upon my nerves. _Another victim, eh?_

"Eren.."

"Eren...?"

"JAEGER!" I sligthly jolt against my seat because of Armin's sudden screech. Both of them gazed at me with unusual distress. Shit. I was flustered, averting my gaze over a void of nothingness.

"A'h you okay, E'ren. You seemed antonished?" Mikasa asked me with an unease expression.

"Just thinking about stuffs. Nothing to worry about." I shrugged, playing my cards cool. _That was close, Eren. You can't let yourself off guard again, not to Armin or Mikasa. They will hate you if they found out._

"Okay, that was pretty weird. Anyways, I need to get back home, you know, pops might be sick." The statement rings through my ears like a piercing metal. _I'll end up by myself again today._ And the fact that I relish their company more than I should be, keeps me in a serious downcast. _Your life has been lonesome for years, Eren. So does it matter if they left you again? No? It doesn't matter, right? Let them be._ Right, people has their own life and priorities, and I can't be one of those, even to Armin, even to Mikasa, even to my parents.

"Sure, I'll just grab the keys ups--"

"Nah, Eren. I'll just talk a walk. I'm going to leave those heavy books here anyway, so there's no need for a ride. You know how much I hate car ride." No, Armin. I don't care about your loathness over my suffocating car. I just wanted to buy some more time. _Just let me, please._

But even how much my lungs wanted to breath the unspoken thoughts, my throat keeps choking the words from flowing out of my lips. I'm vulnerable at this point, but I shouldn't. _You can handle this piece of emotional breakdown, Eren. You're better than a solitary teenage boy._

"Sure. Just text me when you get home safe." _Good job, Eren._

"I'll be up for something too, Eren." Mikasa chimed in, finishing the last strip on her plate. Okay. I shouldn't feel any dismay about Mikasa's soon depart, cause she always do that. But my anxiety declines to tame. I'll be dealing in this massive, spacious walled place without any company once more. Nothing startling, though.

As soon as we finished our meal, the two depart in different paths, while I end up gazing up in white, empty ceiling, my back against the velvet mattress, freezing and numbing. What should I do now? I signed in frustration when I failed to think of something worth my time. But then the cryptic name kick in my conscious again. _Levi. Levi Ackerman._

"I should check him out." I heft my sluggish body over the cold ass bed before turning on my laptop which is sitting on the coffee table just beside my bed. I cautiously type every single letter that made up his name over my keyboard. Levi Ackerman. Then every single social account he has flashed instantly over the blinding screen, including Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and he even has a Tumblr. I decided to check out his facebook account first, viewing his default picture. _Damn he's gorgeous._ His weary grey eyes were sharp, yet it has an undeniable glimmer. Jet black hair and an undercut, _that's pretty sexy._  I instantly shrugrd the thought off. _You're a guy aren't you?_ The numbers of likes and comments are overwhelming, and despicable. The fact that he's gaining this popularity just because of his allure sets me into fierce detestation. He's just one of those pathetic fame-whore sluts I annihilated before, nothing special about him.

I mindlessly click the 'add as friend' button on his profile, I was startled by his quick respond to my request. Easy prey. I clicked on his name before the chat box pop on the lower side of the screen.

 **Eren Jäger :** Hi :) It took a while before he reply.

 **Levi Ackerman :** Who's this?

 _What?_ He accepted my request then he'll ask me who I am? My eyebrows instantly  met in bewilderment, taming my wild side. His audacious action starting to get into my nerves honestly.

 **Eren Jäger :** I'm Eren Jaeger, nice to meet you, Levi. :)

 **Levi Ackerman :** I know, Jaeger. I can read. Where did you found me, brat?

I gazed at the written letters on my screen in disbelief. I can feel my dark conscience crawling out of rage. _How insolent this man could be? He isn't an easy prey._ And it pisses me off more than I could ever handle. The fact that he's calling me names even though he doesn't know me that well sends me in much exasperation. What a dick.

 **Eren Jäger :** My sister told about you, maybe we could be friends? :)

 **Levi Ackerman :** Where you from?

 **Eren Jäger :** Germany

 **Levi Ackerman :** No we can't be . I don't trust unseen people. If you really are ardent to become my friend, fly to London, but I bet you can't, so bye.

A sudden spark of chafe turns into a massive, unruly fire of outrage. _How dare he, Eren? Will you let that bastard shatter your ego, just like that? Your family name is one of the most sucessful names in the business world, yet this unknown, worthless man is humiliating you right infront of your face._ My heartbeat pumps into an irregular, blistering pace. I could feel the arctic sweat crawling under these piece of garments. It's here again. It's been a while since this curse took over my whole self again.

"BASTARD! YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT! I WILL DESTROY YOU. I WILL FUCKING ANNIHILATE YOU INTO PIECES." The emotions I've been keeping in my chest for a long time suddenly blast out of it's cage. Every single _hate, envy, jelousy, emptiness._ My chest seems to blow into bits any minute. Every hidden doubts of my existence was uncovered, all at once. I shoved my whole self against the coffee table, sending my laptop and cellphone over the floor, making unpleasant crashing sounds.

_Because of the man._

_The man whose name lured you into your darkest part._

_He unleashed the once tigthly secured emotions you had, Eren._

_Destroy him. Destroy him. Destroy him. Suffocate him._

Damn I will. I will destroy every single damn thing he has, even I'm thousand of miles away from his physical existence. _You're utterly capable of doing so, Eren. So do it_.

A sudden black out break off my violent attack. I woke up with a soaked hoodie because of my own humid sweat. I slowly slide of the garment over my upper body, throwing it clumsily beside my bed. Mikasa. I need to talk to Mikasa. I find myself reaching for my cracked phone. I need a new one. I dialled Mikasa's number afterwards..

"E'ren." The familiar punkish sound engulfed Mikasa's calm voice.

"Let's talk about London."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter was a bit (more than a bit, actually) overrated. I really appreciate criticisms. It makes me think and do better, so thank you for taking some time to point it out :))) I'll probably edit the first 3 chapters if I got the time.. I'm currently torn between reading, writing, traveling, work, and taking care of this weak ass body. Uni will start 2 weeks from now sooo :(

"Call me when you get there safe. Take pictures and send me through snapchat or anything. Make some friends okay? Don't be a loser, that's London we're talking about. Don't be an emo anymore! There's a lot out there. But more importantly, TEXT ME EVERYDAY. Keep in touch -- sobs -- Oh shit I'm sorry I'm just --" Seeing Armin anguish over my soon departure hurts me more than anyone else. I could see how tight his fist clung against my luggage bag, like he's willing to set himself in torment just to make me stay. His pale face is in a complete chaos with a mixture of repulsive tears and dripping snot. It was a horrible sigth, but I can't think of any words that could comfort his distress.

"Armin..." I let out a crestfallen breath while ruffling Armin's pale blond hair. The only gesture I could think of to comfort the poor boy. "I won't be long, okay? I'll be back sooner than an upcoming movie." Armin forced a sham smile, but a sudden weep slipped from his lips, sending stings against my chest like a thousand needles.

"Come on, Armin. You're making this harder than I thought. I'll call as often as possible and send you shit loads of pictures. I'll still be your bestfriend, nothing will ever change that. Give me that, we'll be late" Armin reluctantly gave me the hefty luggage. _Poor Armin_. Why am I leaving the only person who I can call a 'real friend' though? Why am I risking too much? Why am I settling myself into this foolish torture? _Don't you dread, Eren. It won't be long, just as you promised to Armin. You'll just have to deal with the man, then your violent attacks will be over. You'll face Armin as a renewed person. He'll be the last, then it's over. You'll be completely sensible by then._

I hate how much my inner urge can control me. It's like a disease. It's like an uncurable ailment. It seems that someone else is living inside of my head. It has it's own life and conscious. It frigthens me, _I'm terrified of myself._

Armin throw his delicate self against mine as he leisurely wrap his arms around my neck. I slightly jolt in alarment, but my muscle abruptly relaxed with the touch of Armin's pounding chest. He really is troubled. My arms unconsciously girdled Armin's tiny body, my chin resting over his narrow shoulder.

"This is really gay, Armin." I chuckled against his ear, lifting up his woe spirit.

"Shut up!! I will miss you. Seriously." Armin was easily embarrased. His pale cheeks suddenly turns into deep crimson. It's really fun to chaff his weakness sometimes.

"Eren ! Here's the tickets." Armin released me from his tight grip after hearing Mikasa's sudden whoop.

"Two tickets." Mikasa swing the printed papers up in the air while catching her breath from a long run she just took.

"Mikasa!" Armin surprisingly gave Mikasa a big hug before turning back to me. "I will miss you both. I'm expecting your come back next winter." I was a bit downhearted by the rushing minutes. _We have to say our goodbyes, there's no turning back, Eren._

"We will too, A'min. Be safe, always." Mikasa utter in disconsolate manner before we turn our backs to Armin. I could feel his gaze reaching our distance, until we can't no longer seen by his sight.

Mikasa reserved VIP tickets for two a month before the prior flight. The internal of the aircraft was airy, with spotless ceilings and walls, and incredibly comfortable seats that you can transform into a single bed. The foods are astoundingly  better than I have ever imagined. There's no much people occupying the seats, usually just some old business men dress in formal attires, which sends me into a slight discomfort.

"I'm w'eally glad you're wi'f me now, but... What makes you change your mind, E'ren? It's too sudden...and unsual." I unplug the earphones on my ears, abandoning the solemn music blasting from it. _I'm just planning of stalking an unknown man, my twin sister. Gain his unobtainable trust and destroy him surreptitously for an absurd reason - to satisfy the monster living inside me -._ Hell I can't tell her that. I maybe a fool, but I'm better than stupid. I can't let her caught me by my own lure.

"I'm already 18, and a bit of adventure won't be harming, right?" The only safe exposition I could think as of the moment. I'm not really in the mood for Mikasa's inquisitiveness.

"What about A'min? You're undeniably attached with the boy, and --"

"He's an adventurer. His momentous dream is to explore the world, and it'll be great if I experience it at hand so I could inspire him more." _You're a rueful liar, Eren. Using Armin's envisions just to buried your murderous agenda. Great, I like that._

"Hmm... Well that's great." Her expression was full of uncertainty. But who wouldn't, anyways? She's been grilling me off her scalding fire for ten solid years just to make me agree to fly over London and now I agreed with her scheme just because of some foolish reason, it's not surprising that she'll be astound.

Even how hard I tried to fell into slumber, my body was always neglecting the action. It's just a three hour journey from Germany to London, but the jet lag took over my head as soon as we take off. The weight of the air was different from Germany's light and dry winter wind. It's a bit warm here, though, and I never really expect that my body will easily absorb the new found atmosphere. I even have the need of taking off my hoodie, after so many years of lending it's warmth. My heart flutter in excitement when the sight of the sun flaunt outside of the airport. It's blinding, but I like how it burns my verdant iris. It's sending my inner conscious into a sudden consolation.

We await at the airport's facade for a moment until a pitch-black, shiny limousine halt infront of us. We instantly captures the attention of the crowd going in and out of the building. I bit my lip in embarrasment, even though there's no reason to be embarrass at all. I just feel uncomfortable with other people's scrunity. Mikasa doesn't show even a single sign of astound. Of course, she's dealing with this kind of awkwardness for ten years already.

"Don't you think it's a bit exaggerated?" I murmured before opening the car's door for Mikasa, then sneaking myself in afterwards.

"Dad is always exaggerated." I yank the door in close, ignoring Mikasa's respond. _Dad_. How could she still call that bastard a dad? I can't even stand hearing his name. And the fact that I'm possessing his name makes me want to throw up.

The car drive in motion as silence took over the deluxe vehicle. I keep my glance outside the window, mesmerized by the new environment.

"I'm af'aid to say that you con't stay at my dormitory." Mikasa broke the silence I built up. I wasn't suprised. She's staying at an ALL GIRLS HIGHSCHOOL DORMITORY, there's no way I could be with her in this vicious place.

"It's cool." I shrugged.

"Mr. Groome - the driver - will drop me infront of  Saint Anne's Highschool. Then --"

"He'll drop me by Oxford Highschool and I'll met Mr. Erwin Smith, the principal (mum's brother) to finalize my transferring papers. Then another ride to Legion's Dormitory, my last stop" _Legion's Dormitory_ , an all boys dormitory. That's my personal pick. Mikasa was against it, though, cause it's cheap and diminutive for her taste.

_"I could find a much better place for you, Eren. That place is not for you, it's too small! Our parents can rent a WHOLE hotel for you if you wished to."_

But I declined immediately. I didn't fly all the way from Germany just to live a luxurious life I always had back there. Legion's Dormitory is where Levi Ackerman live, it's clearly indicated at his profile on facebook. _What a careless person he is, sharing a piece of private information over the internet_.

"You told be a hundred of times already, Mikasa. I'm not a five year old, I can do it by myself." Mikasa signed in relief.

"Good. Call me when you can, OR I will call you. I already paid for a six month long rental. Use the the credit card if you wish to buy clothes. YOU JUST BROUGHT 3 PIECES OF CLOTHES, EREN. How can you survive with that?!" She rant, yet her expression and tone was still calm. How can she manage to do that?

"You're being too anxious, Mikasa." I let out an impassive reply, not unlocking my gaze through the stirring road. London sure is beautiful.

"You don't have any idea how hard it is to --" The car abruptly halt infront of a colossal gate. My jaw fell hung upon it's sight. The golden steel were extravagantly scheme in perfection. There's an enormous cursive plaque hanging just below the gate's gore designs saying "SAINT ANNE'S HIGHSCHOOL OF THE MAIDENS". Is this really where Mikasa spent her ten years of education? Seeing luxurious stuffs never antonished my senses, but this one, It's beyond luxurious. It's like a place originally sent from heaven. Armin will surely drool over this sigth. _Armin_.

"Wrong timing." Mikasa signed before pushing the car door open.

"Take care of yourself, no more maids and shits in here, Eren." She peaked her head inside for the last time before yanking the door close.

It was a fiftheen minute ride from Mikasa's highschool to Oxford High, which looks opulent, but not as luxurious as Mikasa's school. The hallways of the edifice was already filled with uniformed students, british accent ringing against my ears like a chorus of mockingbirds. All I did within the school was to sign few papers and they took a picture of me for my identity card.

"Legion Dormitory, Mr. Groome." The old man gave me a formal nod and immediately turn the clutch to motion the limo forward. Before I could percieve the time, I'm already standing on the building's porch, clenching my luggage in nervousness. It's an okay building, based on my standards. But my standard is beyond the normal ones, so maybe it's better for anyone else.

"Eyy you must be Eren Jaeger?" A red-haired girl came out of the main porch's building, wearing floral sun dress. I can barely see girls wearimg sun dress back in Germany, It'll shiver their bones if they do.

"Yes, I am. And you are?" I gave her a courteous smile.

"I'm Petra Ral, Legion Dormitory's owner, Nice meeting you." She reached her hand towards me and I held it politely, making a casual shake hand. She's the owner? But she looks nothing far from my age. Maybe she's born well-heeled like me.

"I'm really glad you choose my dormitory!" She lean closer to my ear, mumbling words I never expect. "And as you requested." She clung the key inches away from my face. _"He's gonna be your roomate"_

My chest flutter in excitement. _This is it, everything is going as planned, Eren._ The tamed flame in my stomach suddenly gone wild. I want to go see him now, and annihilate him as soon as I lay my bare eyes on him.

"Well appreciated, Petra." I pull myself away from the intimacy she set up before snatching the key from her hand. I heared the frustration behind her breath, and I may be mistaken, but I over heared her saying "Damn hot, but too cold."

The key Petra gave me was affixed against a rectangular keychain with a plain printed words saying : Third floor Rm. 304. The ground floor was roomed for the cafeteria, and it's abruptly pleasant. The main counter where they serve foods is purely white tiles, with glass receptacles preventing the foods from contamination. There were plenty of genteel set of chairs and tables colored with black and white. Over all, it appeared to have aesthetic vibe. I'm liking this place so far.

I pull the luggage behind me, though I'm struggling to hold on a grip because of my cold and sweaty palms. I slide inside the elevator and without taking even a minute, I'm already standing infront of the Room indicated on my key. Should I knock? Or just use this key? _First Impression last, Eren._ I can't go wrong. It might look inconsiderate if I use the key immediately without even a prior notice, so I decided to knock my knuckles against the wooden door. I heared the click of the door knob instantly, the creaking of the door made my knees shiver in antsy, and excitement.

"Hm?" Is that an act of greeting? Or a question? More likely a question because of the unchanging expression of his face. _He's so fucking tiny._ And why is he wearing a white bandana over his head and a mask pulled against his chin? It's pretty ridiculous yet he's undeniably gorgeous. _Eren, you're not here for some kind of romantic affection, and he's a guy._. My inside monster whispered, and I immediately brushed the thought out of my head.

"I'm Eren Jaeger, your new roomate." I gave him an oblige smile, dangling the key on his eye level. _Can I murder this tiny thing right here and right now?_ No you can't, monster. You can't just murder your new roomate after just meeting him.

"Tch. I told Petra that I don't fancy any roomate." His tangled eyebrows furrowed even more, but he never contact his sharp grey eyes against my lush pair. He seems to avert everytime I look down at him. He's colder than an iceberg boulder, tss.

"I'm sorry about that."  I shrugged, concealing the growing vexation of my other half. "But we don't have any choice, aren't we?" I propel my luggage forward, asking for permission.

"You better leave your shoes there." He pointed over a set of wooden hooks hanging just beside the door. His british accent rang intensely against my eardrums. I could listen to that sound for a whole day. _What are you talking about, Eren._

There's no king size bed, nor an outsized closet. It's a finite space of white ceiling and walls. Two single beds placed on the opposite ends of the room. A wooden hanging drawer just above the bed, and study tables situated against the window. The bathroom door was placed on the left side. I breath in frustration. It'll take time before I get used to this place. 

"Drag your stuffs there, you need to help me out cleaning this damn room"

_But it's already spotless. Is this midget playing with me?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My intagram is @alyxxai


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I reread the first 4chapters and seems that I over done it (it's really dramatic) so i'll make it light as possible. Anyways, you can enjoy a bit of Levi x Eren in this chapter ( Wow at last) thanks for your patienceeeee :'

I never had imagine that I will ever use my self control in a maximum level. The damn midget made me clean the bathroom until he's satisfy with the outcome of my intense scrubbing and bleaching. He even inspect the lines between every tiles, and whenever he discern a single spot, he'll command me do it all over again. THE WHOLE FCKING THING. 

I never take orders  to whoever, but whenever his grey eyes cast a sharp glare upon me, it leaves me into no choice. I even agreed on putting the white bandana and a mask before cleaning the whole thing. Anyways, I need to befriend the damn guy, even God knows how much I crave his agony.

I was out of myself, constantly forcing my hands to move back and fort over the scrub, concieving simple ideas on how can I blemish the damn guy. Ascertain his life, Eren. Spot his weaknesses, even the simple ones. Dig out those people he cherish the most, and use them against his will. Now that you and him are nigh, flesh to flesh, you can do whatever you desire. But I never ached for this, it's you, monster inside me. Not just me, Eren. It's us. I am you, and you are me.

I'm constantly having a dreadful arguement with myself when someone tugged my shoulders. I was startled by the sudden action that it cause me to came back to my lost senses.

"Stop it." Levi doesn't have to lean over to met my eyes. His height was made for standing stiff positions, or else he would lose few inches. But I never heed and keep on scrubbing the damn wall tiles.

"Eren! I said enough. You're fucking bleeding." He nab my hands away from the white tiles. I drop the scrub as soon as I realize the dripping blood coming out of my knuckles. I almost cried out, but the horror abruplty adhere against the walls of my throat. My hands shaking against Levi's steady grip, eyes wide open in dread. I hate the sight of blood, It terrifies me. It's like I lived my past life dealing with blood splattered environment.

"Oi brat, calm down." He signed before tugging me against the sink. "Tch, what a mess." His fingers delicately rub my chafed knuckles, yet the pain stinks against my skin. The bleach penetrating inside the open wounds made it worst. Why are you letting him touch you, weak ass. Haul youself. HAUL YOURSELF. 

NO, I CAN'T. I'M TOO TERRIFIED. STOP. 

I watched him timidly, the screaming monster inside me still taking place, yet I still have the control. This is the first time I ever controlled my other self. After rising my hands, Levi snag a towel hanging over the rack, handing it to me.

"There's no more blood. Dry it yourself. Follow me at the room, it needs to be swathe." He hissed, turning his heels away from the bathroom. Why did I let myself breakdown infront of the person I loath the most. Stupid stupid stupid stupid, now that he saw your weakness, he'll take advantage of that. He'll take advantage of you. 

When I walked out of the bathroom, I quickly saw Levi sitting at one of the beds --his bed probably-- while unrolling a piece of white bandage. He gesture his eyes from me to the vacant space beside him. His potent body language hasn't failed to take over my actions, yet. I'll learn how to tussel him, soon.

"I'm not going to ask why or how." He started wrapping the bandage against my left hand, consentrated as if it's the only important thing as of the moment. "Cause honestly, I don't give enough damn. But I feel responsible for this, so don't take this action as a kindness. I'm never solicitous." He lifted his gaze directly to my eyes, sending a sudden shock against my spine. 

"Do you understand?" I nod timidly, averting my eyes from his cutting glare. How rude was that. Anyways, now his opening up, take note of that. 

"You could ask me any favor --  just for now -- cause my conscience will hunt me anytime soon" He started to work on my right hand then. I think of the best way to accept his offer. I should consider building even a slight intimacy between us. 

Ah, garments, I just bought three pairs of outfit with me. 

"I just bought a limited pairs of clothes with me." I bit my lower lip, controling every words flowing out of my mouth. I must be careful not to make a bad move. 

"Maybe you -- we could go to the mall and buy some stuffs." He doesn't even budge nor pause wrapping the white cloth against my hand. Did I say something wrong? Fuck fuck fuck fuck, you fuck up again Eren.

"I-I mean it's okay if you don't wa--"

"I never said no, so it's a yes." He fasten the last strip before cutting the end of the bandage. I signed in relief as he streched his puny structure away from the bed. The slight intimacy I was sharing with him is enough to prickle my skin. I sit there awkwardly, waiting for his next action. Damn why do I have to be so perverse. Since I was a kid, I'm prone to people's abhorrence and negative judgements. I was bullied hundreds of times as a child because of my timid personality. They cause distress and hatred on my whole being. I started to hate people then. I started to deny every single judgements they throw upon me. They've mistaken my silence as a weakness, but little did they know that my muted mouth has the ability to send every single one of them directly to hell, where they really are belong.

"What are you waiting for?" He looked down at me with his infamous pissed off face. His eyebrows never fails to meet each other, giving the wild look. I sligthly jump against the bed before steadying myself up. Now I'm the one who is looking down at him. 

"Sorry I--"

"Come on. Now."

The cafeteria was a literal disaster. The number of people abruptly escalated from what I had seen just an hour ago. Everyone are guys and irksomely loud, some are even chanting some unknown witchcraft shits. The whole area was on a complete chaos, foods spilled all over the tables and even on the floors. The once spotless counter is now unpleasantly messed up. What happened to the aesthetic vibe of this place? This bastards ruined it all.

I was behind Levi, following his tiny pace when I saw a middle aged woman wearing thick brown glasses dashing towards our direction. When she reached Levi, she throw her whole self against the poor guy's small physic. I was waiting for a thumping sound or a sudden shout, but it never came. Levi sure is stronger than I expected.

"LEEEVIII -- My lovely Leviiiii~" The woman chant, making the deafening commotion even worse. 

"Tch, get off me you filty woman." I was taken aback by the rude remark, but instead of ***, she let out a guffaw instead. This woman is accentric as hell.

"And who's that little cutie behind you?" She peaked over Levi's shoulder -- though she doesn't really have to make an effort because she can already have a  full access of my face -- and wave at me like a girl having a sugar rush. I gave her an anxious smile as a response.

"Room mate."

"Awww that's sweet." She winked at my direction. "And where you two going?" 

"Hanji, shut up now." 

"I'm talking to the boy, you grumpy cat!" The woman -- Hanji - took a step closer to me, leaving Levi behind. Levi gave me a deadly glare, body language. But it'll be rude if I cast her off. She seems nice anyway.

"I'm Hanji Zoe, and you are?" 

"Eren Jaeger."

"Where you two going?"

"Going to the mall, buy some stuffs." I mumbled. Her eyes glimmer in an instant for some reason, her mouth wide open as she hold up my bandaged hands over her face.

"Say that again." She uttered like a maniac. I glance up to Levi, my eyebrows met in confusion, body language. He just shrugged, placid expression painted upon his face, body language. It leave me with no choice but to do what Hanji asked me to. Damn this is getting out of hand.

"G-Going to the mall and -- buy some stuffs?" 

"Hyaaaa! A foreign accent! Tell me where you from?! Tell me tell me tell me tell me!!" Her grip tigthen against my sore hands as she hop back and forth over the floor. A sudden shot of stinking pain came back. I bit my lower lip harshly, restraining myself from shoving the crazy woman away from my sight.

Then shove her, Eren. I know how much you wanted to do so.

"Hanji, that's enough." Levi yanked Hanji away from me before I could execute the unpleasant action that my other half is telling me. "We're leaving."

"Now?" Hanji pouted.

"Now." 

"Okay have a good day lads! See ya later alligator!" She gave Levi another hug before turning her back from us. My chest lossen as I watch her gone of sight. She's a total weirdo. Yet she seems quite friendly, but I'm not into friendly people.

"Let's go." I gave Levi a faint nod before following him behind. 

I turned over my wrist to check the time, and I was a bit startled by the absence of cloth against my skin. I was constantly wearing a hoodie or any long sleeves garment back in Germany, and I used to slide the sleeve up to reveal the hidden wrist watch behind it. Now I'm wearing a shirt, though. 06:21 pm. Just the perfect time. I could ask him for an outside dinner -- there's no way I could eat at that filthy cafeteria tonight, anyway - and have a small talk about stuffs. Stuffs that I could use against him.

Levi halt infront at the parking lot just beside the Legion Building, eyeing every single cars before settling his attention on a grey SUV standing on the last line of the lot. It was really different from the cars I'd been driving back at home. It seems outdated and the little scratches against th windows were becoming unpleasant as I take a closer look. I heared a sudden beep coming from the car before Levi pull the car door and set his small self on the driver's seat. 

"What are you waiting for, brat?" I winched at the name. Brat. Why would he call me like that? I'm not even a brat. Maybe I'm a bit spoiled considering my well-heeled living, but brat? I'm too old for that insult.

I took the passenger seat, without saying any word. The first five minute ride was uncomfortably awkward. I'm currently sitting beside the guy I hated the most, yet I'm trying my best to befriend him. How ironic was that? The truth is, I could just send a hired killer to take action, never leaving my life behind, or Armin. But the monster inside me will never be satisfied by the thought. It'll keep thinking murderous thoughts that will probably turn me into a nutcase, or even worst, a monster, too.

"S-Should we have our dinner out?" I decided to break the silence, but I can't deny the shudder my words are making. Act normal, dammit. Levi never take his eyes off the road, but he seems thinking about my offer - his eyebrows are much tangled than usual.

"I'll presumably say no, but I can't even look at that filthy cafeteria." Clean freak. He is a clean freak. Why I haven't noticed that at the very beginning? He let me clean the damn bathroom, even if it's still undeniably spotless. Shoot. Weakness.

I'm not yet familiar with the place, so I was a little bit pump up. The thought of going out of my usual suffocating environment makes my stomach jump in freedom. I gaze in fascination over the massive building we are heading through. Wow. It's never the same with the architecture I'm discerning back in Germany. It's too huge to be 'just' a mall. 

"Here." Levi declare before we made our way inside of the building.

The interior of the building was unsurprisingly ample. Countless stores are align from left to right, though there's no much people roaming around. Good. The less people I sense, the more comfortable I feel.

I never release my gaze over Levi's back, who is walking about 5 feet away ahead of me. I might lose myself into this place like a 5 year old kid if I lost sight over him. He then abruplty cease infront of a particular clothes store named "PENSHOPPE". He turned his heels, heading inside the unknown store. I followed his way until I was standing right beside him. Damn I'm still astound of how tiny he is. 

The tinier the thing, the easier it breaks, Eren.

"I'm not in the mood to step into every single store in here. This is the only palatable store I know." He crossed his short, yet well toned arms against his chest. He's worse than Mikasa, though Mikasa is annoying because she cares so much, while this shit is annoying because he never give a single fuck. Not at all. I don't have a choice, so I just gave him a placid nod before walking away from where he is standing. I was probably wrong when I said that I can enjoy myself a little bit today. 

It took me almost an hour before I satisfied myself with the amount of garments I handpick. Though I maximized my time on purpose -- to annoy Levi -- I know it's childish and immature, but seeing his eyebrows furrowed and rolling eyes gives me the sense of gratification.

After I paid using the credit card my parents gave me -- I disgust myself for consuming stuffs from their rich asses -- Levi insist that we should find a descent restaurant ouside of this building, cause malls usually serve fastfoods -- he said -- which is the reason of uncontrollable obesity and illness across the globe. That was a sensible thought, but the blood running through my veins are probably consist of 70 percent Mcdonald's and 30 percent processed foods on our kitchen -- Yet I'm not overweight, nor sickly. It just depends on how your body get used to it, and mine is presumably immune.

We ended up - Levi ended up culling this antique looking french restaurant from other hundreds of fancy and modern ones. The aroma of uncooked pasta and fresh dough welcomed us as soon as the personnel -- a cute blonde girl with a pair of baby blue eyes, wearing a torque and a chef's uniform - haul the door to greet us. 

"Good evening -- be our guest." Her accent is sligthy different from what I'm hearing so far. It's thick and stiff compared to Levi's or Mikasa's mellow accent. 

"Krista." Levi murmured, she knew him. He's a regular customer in here. Krista gave him a charming smile by hearing her name.

"Lovely day isn't it? And who's this lovely lad?" Krista winked at Levi, though I can't discern Levi's expression cause I'm standing behind is back.

"I'm Eren, Eren Jaeger." 

"Lovely name!" She placed both of her hand against his chest, tilting her head a little bit to the right. 

"Come, let me serve you a seat for two." Krista gesture us to follow her behind and settle on the seat not too far from the main porch.

Levi ordered a set of white carbonara, steak and black tea. While I choose a set of spaghetti, fried chicken and strawberry milkshake. We waited thirty minutes long before the foods came right into our table - Levi never made even a single word for solid thirty minutes. If this was Mcdonald's it would be quicker and not boring. Though the foods look appetizing and warm, luscious even. Levi was irksomely right choosing this restaurant, and I hate the fact that we're sharing a same likeness towards this thing.

"Black tea?" Now is the time to make a move, Eren. Levi is probably in the mood at the moment, not the usual 'I am pissed by your existance' mood he has.

"Yeah, black tea." He is still cold, but the fact that he answered my query without letting out a dead glare is a good sign.

"Want to try mine?" I nervously propel the glass beside his plate, hoping for God knows what.

"No thanks."

"Aw why not?" I pouted before haleing the glass straw between my lips.

"Lactose Intolerance."

Ow, another one. I shut my mouth up after that. His mood seems to drop when I caught a bit of his weakness. The after dinner was consist of me and Levi argueing over who will pay the bill, but of course I won. The midget gone somewhere after changing his outfit back at our room, insisting that I should pile every single stuffs I brought in my closet before he even come back. After doing so, I already found myself laying my whole back against the single bed, uncomfortable bed. I was staring blankly at the white low ceiling when a name flashed upon my head. Armin. I should call him before this day ends.

"EREN! I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOUR CALL. DID YOU --" I yank the phone away from my ear, my eardrums almost exploding.

"Armin, Calm down."

"I'm sorry. I'm just -- bit excited...and worried. So how was London so far?" I smirked to myself, knowing that my plan against Levi is getting better.

"Good, Armin."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm a slow writer (and slow progress of the story) :( I'll probably update once a week, or if I'm not too busy (or having an author's block), twice. Anyways, thanks for those little adorable patient readers :) I know y'all want them together, but I'm not into it for now ;)

Today is the official start of my senior Highschool life here in London. The new day should've be exciting, yet the idea of sitting alone in the middle of a herd of strangers sends me into chills of dread. _Make some friends okay? Don't be a loser, that's London we're talking about. Don't be an emo anymore! There's a lot out there._ I can clearly reminisce Armin's reminder -- more likely an order -- before I left the airport with Mikasa, but how could I even face this day without Armin's wise mouth. I can't even go a day without his company for the past 15 years of my life.

 _Then you should hurry up and do what you need to do, so we can go back home in no time._ The familiar voice mumbled inside my head. The monster seems to grow louder and stronger since I moved here in Legion's Dormitory - since the day I met Levi. It's former ability of just messing with my thoughts is turning into action changing, like everything it says should be done in it's will.

I decided that staying like this won't help my longing over Armin and Germany, so I stretched myself out of the damn bed to make an attempt of repulsing everything what's going on my head. I look over the clock hanging just above my bed : _3:38 am_ , geez, what am I expecting? The sun hasn't shown even a single rays just yet. I turn my head to find the bed was missing of Levi, but the bathroom faucet was running continiously. What, it's freezing - not as cold as Germany - but the temperature is enough to sting your skin like a thousand needles _. Well, who gives a fuck about Ackerman anyway?_

I cast my attention down at my phone as I streched my arm sluggishly to call someone important. The phone rang five times before the other line pick the call up.

"Hm? Eren?" Armin's indolent morning voice crack in the verge of unconsciouness.

"Did I woke you up?" I perch myself over the window sill, my feet hanging in the mid air as the morning wind caress my naked nape. The kind of cold I was longing for years, not the pestilent air that could shiver your bones if you miss one layer of clothing.

"Yes, actually, but forget it. What's the matter? It's just 4am? 3am? out there." I could here the friction Armin and his blankets are making, his snugging close into it, I could say.

"N-Nothing, I just want to talk."

"Don't shit on me, Eren. You won't be calling this early morning just because you 'just want to talk." I hide my smirk over a hint of a deep breath. I feel a bit special, knowing that someone cares enough.

"You know me well aren't you? I'm.. you know, just a bit frigthened." I could hear Armin breathed.

"I told you -"

"Make some friends okay? Don't be a loser, that's London we're talking about. Don't be an emo anymore! There's a lot out there." I mimick his remark using a whimpy, girly tone and I could feel his eyes rolling. "But I can't even stand the thought of strangers, their eyes inspecting me as I stand infront of the flat form to introduce myself." I hissed over the phone, conceiving Armin's presence just right beside me.

"Fight for it. You have to step up. Get out of your comfort zone. I'm not there for you, nor Mikasa. You're standing by yourself now, Eren, this is the real world." I halt my feet that's hanging pendolously over the thin air. _This is the real world._ So am I living in a fantasy for all I know? Is the constant fear of meeting strangers makes me incapable of living in the real world? I'm unreal, then? If so, then I'll stay where I am today. I'll never wanted the reality anyway, but the fact that I'm one step closer to it terrifies me more than the usual.

The sudden creak of the bathroom door prompt me back to my rationality. I cast my eyes over the half naked guy standing right infront of me, his expression is as startled as mine, but he has the intense control over himself compared to mine. Levi's infamous lethal glare abruptly painted upon his soft features. _Damn look at that._ I'm unconsciously lingering my eyes over his well toned body when Levi broke the silence.

"Oi brat." He pointed his index finger on the floor, signaling me to bring my ass off his precious, immaculate window sill. I almost stumbled on my feet when I jump off from my resting place, yet never cutting off our eye contact.

"Eren? What's going on?" Armin uttered, I could hear a slight of panic over his tone.

"My roomate is awake, I'll call you later okay?"

"Roomate? Wait Er-" I ended the call before Armin could finish his query, focusing my attention over the guy who's wearing just a piece of cloth hanging around his waist. Levi dry his feet over the matt before climbing on his bed to reach for the hanging closet. _Who the hell made the idea of placing the damn closet just above the bed._

"Uh- Why are you up this early?" I asked as I watched Levi pulled a couple of garments out of the thick pile. He turned to face my direction, pointing his index finger in a circular motion, a known gesture for me to turn my back against him. I hate the unknown connection between our body language. It seems that he can control me even with the absence of words. _Nah, Eren. Study every single action he makes, and you'll know him just in a blink of an eye._

"I'm a morning person." I can barely hear him over the sound of his skinny jeans being worn against his bare skin.

"But it's 3:40am."

"Yeah, and it's morning." Just when I thought that I'm the most stubborn being I have ever known, this man aburptly appeared in my life.

"Where are you going then?"

"Tch, that's none of your business, brat." Then a sound of the pendolous key and the banging of the door followed. I clenched both my fist into a tight ball, and I could feel the blood scaping from my knuckles where the bandage was still enfolded.

"That fucking midget." I hissed to myself before sprinting my bare thighs towards the bathroom. If I wasn't quick enough, the monster who was still dozing might take my whole being again. After undressing the bandage of my hands, I unditherly bash my healing knuckles against the tiled wall, repeatedly, until the pain jerk back over my skin, blood dripping  with the running water from the head shower.

"Fuck fuck fuck." Why am I doing this? Why am I stopping the monster inside me? Because of him? But why? Am I supposed to build hatred and loath instead of giving enough fucks? That's why I'm here, to annihilate the man and his impassiveness, right?

_Yes, Eren, Destroy. Destroy. Destroy. Destroy._

"No. No. No." I let out a shriek, as if that's the only thing I could hold unto. But I was vulnerable, delicate even. The physical pain wasn't enough keep me on my own cognizance. I was being submerge breathlessly under the pool of fierce hatred, my heart almost blowing off my chest.

It was exactly 6 am when I flee on the cafeteria, which was surprisingly organized. Nothing to compared over the chaotic scene we have witness hours ago. I was trying to pick up the green beans using my fork, when a guy - dirty blonde hair on top of the brown part, golden brown eyes, and a horse face - stood on the opposite side of my table.

"Mind if I join you?" He has this constant smirked painted on his lips, and it's kinda creepy. Same mellow accent like Levi's and Mikasa. I just nod in response before the guy took the seat opposite to mine.

"Hey, I'm Jean Kirchstein, from fifth floor. You're new? And wow, Oxford High." He pointed at the badge embroided on my uniform. I wasn't in the mood to deal with any verbal communication, let alone with a stranger. But Armin's mouth has been spoken, and he knows best. Making friends isn't my thing, but that doesn't mean that it could harm me in any way, right?

"Yes. Eren Jaeger, from third floor." Jean choked on his ham cheese sandwhich like I had offended his past ancestors. His clumsiness was antic that a slight hint of smirk streched across my lips.

"Don't tell me you're the - cough - you're the Ackerman's new roomate?!" Every eyes on the cafeteria turned to us after he stood up to his feet, slamming the table.

"I'm sorry, but are you?"

"Yes I am." He gaped at me as he slowly put himself back over his seat.

"Fuck, you gotta be kidding me." My eyebrows furrowed as I look at him in confusion. "The guy is damnable as fuck." Jean's teeth grind against each other, fierce fury abruptly displayed, fist clenching.

"Damnable?"

"Yeah." He leaned closer to reach my right ear. "We fucked once."

I was startled by his sudden confession that I almost fell over the seat when I yank myself away from Jean's face. What the hell is wrong with this guy? The fact that he's telling me private things out of nowhere -and to a complete stranger - is a hint that I should doubt his conviction.

"W-Why are you telling me this? W-Why are you even talking to me?"

"I know this is weird, but you're the only person who could help me. Dammit, I'm so lucky today."

"H-How? And --"

"I'll tell you the whole story, then you can decide."

According to Jean Kirchstein's thorough explanation, it all happened last year, when he moved to London from Brighton to study in London University, and stayed at Legions Dormitory for good. And here where he met Levi, a cryptic man that cause an intense curiousity to Jean Kirchstein and abruptly build a blistering crush towards him. When Petra Ral - the owner - held a big blast party in the Dormitory, a miracle happened in just a blink of an eye. Levi and Jean got intoxicated that night - and it happen. By the next morning after the incident, Levi coercely kicked Jean out of his OWN room, still half naked, that sends him into abhorrent humiliation. I listened to his rant for solid fifteen minutes while chewing off my food down my stomach.

"Fuck, I loath that guy so much. I would bet everything I have just to witness his downfall." I'm still absorbing every detailed part of his story, deciding if I should believe this guy or kick him out like Levi did to him. But then -- _Ah, Eren. You can use this guy. Two heads are better than one. Befriend him, and you two can join force. Poor Levi, then._

"Sure." I nod in agreement.

"Sure?"

"I'll help you avenge your ruined dignity." I hissed. Jean seems to startled, never giving response of any form.

"There's a thing I know about him." Jean leaned over to meet my face again, his furious expression turned into curiousity.

"Tell me."

"The guy has lactose intolerance." I uttered. Jean yank himself away from me, leaning his back to meet the chair while letting out a chuckle.

"That's new. But -- I mean, how can we use that against him?"

"Buy a pack of lactose sugar. Give it to me after this day ends." I streched my knees up before snatching the unfinished tray from the table. "See you at five, here exactly." I said before turning my heel to return the tray back against the counter and rushed outside the building's porch to meet Mr. Groome and a brand new ford he had in hand.

"Young Master, the Young Lady insist me to deliver this car to you." Mikasa sure know how to deal with me huh? I was sitting at the back seat of the car when I realized that I'm wearing a new set of uniform, not the one from my former highschool, the uniform that I and Armin shared. It's a bit depressing, knowing that I won't be able to live my usual routine for a year or so. The routine of walking down the street to fetch Armin so we could go to school together, spending every saturdays at Arlert's, and snow ball fights after classes.

The first day at Oxford wasn't that bad, maybe because of the fact that the students didn't give much attention towards the new guy - which happens to be me. All I did was to make an introductive speech every class, which is composed of : "Good day. I'm Eren Jaeger from Germany, nice meeting you all." Then they didn't bother asking anymore questions. They never care if I take the seat farthest away from everyone else. It seems like I'm not existant, invisible even, but that's how I wanted to be.

Mr. Groome gave me the car's key before setting off the campus. It was exactly 4:30 pm when my last class ended. I precipitously made an escape towards the parking lot - Okay, a massive parking lot - to meet my brand new jet black ford car, not even sure what's the model. I'm still a foreigner in the area even though I got to wander around once, so the presence of GPS on my car overhead was a gift from heaven. I'm constantly hitting the gas pedal once in a while because of my adrenaline rush that I'd been keeping since this morning. _I have a plan,_ and the first step for Levi's total devastation.

After parking the car beside Legion's, I met Jean at the cafeteria as I insisted.

"Here." He sneak the white packaging under the table and I hastely snatch the thing, almost slipping out my grip. I hastily slide the pack inside my school bag before plucking myself out of the chair, but Jean abruplty halt the action by yanking my arm against the table.

"Damn kid, are you serious about this?" Jean snap his gaze at random directions, making sure that no one else could here our hideous scheme.

"I thought you want to avenge?" This is getting pretty exasperating. I should've decline the deal with this asshole. I can do this by myself without his abetment.

"Yes, but I don't want him dead. I don't want to live my life in prison."

"I will never stood myself down to that level. " I wrenched my arm to release myself from his tight grip.

"Killing him is too easy. He'll face a hell of catastrophe." I stood up on my feet, glaring down at Jean's golden eyes.

"Wow, such wrathfulness. What he had done to you?" I saw a hint of smirk traced upon his lips. "I like that. Ask me any help, and I'll do any favor."

"And another one." I added. "Ask someone to deliver a new gallon of distilled water up to our room - I'll text you a signal when to act. Give me your phone number." I handed him my phone and snatched it back when he was done.

"I'll trust you with this, Eren." Jean's darted me an earnest stare, but I never felt the supposed alarment that I usually feel when someone's threathening me with their lethal trick.

"What he'll face is worst than death, Jean. I'm telling you." I turned to leave him and rushed my feet over the elevator and into our dormitory room. I hooked the key against the key hole before twisting it to reveal the cold ass room I shared with Levi. I wasn't surprised at all to see the empty space without any sign of living matter. _Good_. I hurl my bag pack beside the study table before stripping off my uniform and change into a pair of grey sweatshirt and jagger pants.

The water dispender was placed just beside the bathroom's entrance, _odds are giving me all the favors huh?_ It was half empty at the moment, I need to reduce it's volume into another half or maybe reduce the remaining liquid into critical volume. After transferring the excess water into the bathroom sink, I haul the gallon container with the remaining liquid to pour the half grams of lactose sugar, agitate it a bit and place the container back over the dispenser like nothing had happen. _Perfect_. Now, all I have to do is to wait for Levi to come over for him consume the contaminated water and text Jean immediately so I could switch the contaminated liquid for a pure one.

I didn't have to wait for long because right after I cleanse the bathroom sink, the main entrance creaked into a familiar sound - the sound of metal being scratched on a concrete.

"Hey, welcome home." I peak my head on the bathroom entrance for Levi to acknowledge my presence. I need to show him a bit of thoughtfulness even though God knows how much I wanted to harm his guts.

"Home?" He rolled his dead cold eyes as he place his leather shoes on the shoe rack.

"Yes, home." That's when I finally came out of the bathroom and made my way on my own bed to sit upright, waiting for Levi's next action.

"Yeah, whatever, brat." He then grab a paper cup beside the water dispenser, pushed the cup against the dispenser's hook and I watched him attentively as his lips and the cup's mouth touched. _Drink as much as you can. Yes, drink that shit you little bitch._

"This taste like shit." I froze in my position as Levi inspect the water gallon, which is almost empty now. His eyebrows were consistently tangled as he stare at the dispenser like he's waiting for it to tell him a secret. _Fuck. Did I put too much sugar?_ But before I could think of any fucked up explanation, Levi face softens before saying :

"Ah, I smoked before I came here."

"So you smoke?" I faked a frown.

"I just said I did." He pointed his finger into a circular motion again, a known signal for me to turn my back, so I spun myself against the matress.

"You know, smoking shortens your life span." I mumbled, not having any intention of sending the message to the damn man. _Who cares anyway?_

"That's the perks of it." His usual tone deepen as it rang through my ears like a thousand drumming bands. I wanted to hear that again, the agony on his voice is like music to my ears.

"Perks of it?"

"Eren, everyone in this world are finding an escape. Some are using the difficult method of life, those people who knows how to deal with the bitterness of reality. And you know how they escape? They find happiness, even in this cruelty of life." That was the longest statement he let out since we had met, and it's completely different from his infamous, placid tone. It's full of meaning - it won't send shivers, but instead, emotions. I turn my back away from him, making an eye to eye contact - though he was still shirtless, I don't care less. All I wanted to witness is the emotion he is giving me right now, right here, for the first time. The monsters inside me seems to dissolved into my running blood, yet it's still tugging me into an unknown hatred.

"As for me, I'm using the easy method." He dead locked his gaze unto me. "I call it the 'shortcut for the labyrith'."

"Shortcut for the labyrith?" I mimicked.

"An easier way to escape." His words seems to scattered against the white tiled floor. His expression was broke, and I could feel myself being carried away with the blueness of his face. I never really expect this side of Levi, and it kills me knowing that I only know a bit of his whole personality. He's more than a placid, cold - good looking guy, he's far more than that. And I'm itching to reach that part of him.

"I'm one of those, I'm like you." His soft features tense, jawline lining in a perfect shape.

"There's a lot ahead of you, brat."  I swear I could see the hint of smirked he has on his face even though the only light source in the room is his bed lamp. "You could still find hapiness. But for now, we need to sleep."

He then drag his back against his bed before turning off the bed lamp. I followed his action, even though I know to myself that I'm wide awake, and will just probably flip back and fort until unconsiousness took over me. 

"Levi-" I uttered as I lay my back over the tiny bed.

"Mh?" "Goodnight."

"Goodnight too."

_And I'm very sorry._

**Jean :** Bring it, NOW. -Eren


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyy, about the last chapter. I'm very sorry about the misconnection of some stuffs. Like I never been to London so I don't have any idea to what store they have there soooo, I just picked my favorite one here. I'm sorry about the mispellings and the wrong grammar, too. English is not my first language nor I'm using it on a daily basis so, pardon me :(

It was a caliginous space of chilly bedroom. My body is a repose piece of crap, snugging close against the comfortless pad. I'm still adjusting to the unfamiliar scanty space, which is tougher than I expected. My conscious was almost out of my physical body when a sudden awful screech echoed within an earshot. My eyelids pull themselves up like a startled cat, then followed by the unvoluntary movement of my muscles. The only light source my sight could behold was from the open bathroom door, the same spot where the awful sound is coming from.

"Fuck." Someone yelp within the bathroom, followed by a roaring cough. I sprint out of my bed to make way towards the bathroom, seeing Levi kneeling down the tiled floor with his head helplessly ducked against the toilet bowl's mouth. _It worked_. His body is starting to reject the foreign substance, and he's hurting. _You cause him this torment, Eren. You're hurting him, you see?_

I kneeled down next to him, being torn between the feeling of satisfaction and my inner conscience. This isn't how it supposed to be, nor I was expecting of having a heart towards this damn man. All I need to do is to cause him agony, much more than physical pain, yet there's something inside me who wants to turn it upside down.

"Hey Levi what's happening?" I murmured calmly, soothing his back for a faux comfort. _You're a good pretender, aren't you? Huh, Eren?_

"I -- shit -- withdrawal. I may have accidentally took something with--" the awful substance came out from his delicate mouth before he could even finished. I could feel the burning sensation against the walls of my throat, like I could almost feel the situation he's experiencing at this very moment.

"I'm taking you to the hospital." I uttered before wrapping my arm around his waist. Levi's body tensed at the sudden intimate touch and I could see a hint of crimson fading out against his porcelain cheeks. He's on his way towards my trap. _What an easy prey._

"No, You don't have- " I stopped him by leaning in closer, our nose almost touching that I can even feel the air coming out of Levi's mouth. I reluctantly gaze at his gorgeous grey eyes, down to his velvet pink lips, trying to allure his bone-chilling stare.

"I have to, now hook your arms on my neck and I'll carry you out." He was hesitant at first, but he then maybe realized that being stubborn at this situation will never take him anywhere but much agony, or even unimaginable outcome. I slide my free arm against the back of his knees and carefully lift Levi's tiny body away from the tiled floor. His arms are laying stiff against my neck while his face was buried beneath my collar bone,  trying his very best to cease the hanging vomit in his throat. He's light, considering the well-toned muscles I saw not just a few days ago. Anyways, he's just a midget, it's not really surprising.

"I'll get my -"

"Stay still, I got this." I said before rushing out the bathroom and shove the main door using the heel of my foot. I asked Levi to pushed the elevator button, though. God never gave me an extra hand for this situation, but I shall thank the heavens for the blessing of deficient memory because I left my car keys inside my jean's pockets.

The stinking air hits my face as soon as I landed my feet outside the building's porch, yet the sensation doesn't put me into a sour mood like it always do. Maybe because of Levi's warmth pressed against my upper torso, or much more than that. I saunter my legs towards the nearby parking lot, seeing my black ford standing on the last line of cars.

"Can you stand? I'll just grab the key out of my pocket." Levi just nod, then I cautiously bring his feet against the ground, my other arm was still around his waist, though. Levi's fingers were clenched against my already crumpled shirt, his eyes glancing over the immaculate, brand new car infront of him.

"This is yours?" I can barely understand the tangled words he blurt out, but the distance between his lips and my ear are undeniably close. He then abruptly jerk himself away from my touch, wrapping his arms around his stomach as he let out another set of awful vomit. I gave him a solance soothe against his back before pulling him back to my side.

"Yes. Come now, you're looking so ill." I assist him inside the passenger seat before I took the driver seat and propel the car out of the lot. It took us about ten minutes before we reached the nearby hospital, Shiganshina Hospital. I took a glance over my wrist watch before parking the car _: 1:00 am._ Shit. I got class on the morrow. I hurriedly convey Levi towards the Emergency room because his face was looking worse compared to the last minute passing by. He can't even open his mouth for another withdrawal. His fist clenching against my shirt sleeves, his eyebrows were furrowed, eyes shut in desperation, unsteady breathing and trembling fingers. _Look at him, Eren. Take a closer look. You did this, didn't you?_ _Your own recompense laying down against your arms. Aren't you happy?_

No.

_You should, Eren._

STOP.

_Who to stop, Eren? It should be you, eh?_

It's not me, it's you.

_You mean us?_

"Okay, lay him down here. I'll just call the doctor" A girl around my age with an auburn hair and blue eyes assist us inside a white, airy room with a couple of bed in each space divided by the hanging curtains. I carefully set Levi's weary body over one of the beds, the auburn girl sprint out of sight after. I distance myself away from the pad before Levi desperately streched his hands to reach for me, though the distance between us was already unreachable, his porcelain fingers hanging over the midst air still.

"Don't leave, please." His usual cold grey eyes softens with a shade of pale blue, like a tamed animal that once killed a lovely rabbit. Even though I'd only known him for barely a week, I'm still surprised to see the frigthened side of his placid self. Never had I imagine that he will ever rely on me, the worthless piece of shit I am. The feeling of being needed by someone was novel until I heared the words 'Don't leave' specified to me. _Take his hand, yes. Pretend that you're his hero, his saviour. That's what you're planning to do in the first place, right? Plant some daggers behind his back and threat them after, without his knowledge, without him knowing. Make him love the hell out of you, Eren_.

"I'm not going anywhere." I tangled my fingers inbetween the spaces of his own hands, feeling it trembles against my touch. Levi's whole tensed body destress abruptly, though I could still trace the pain painted upon his face. Right, pain. Does he really deserve this? I thought that, if I set him into much torment, I'll be satisfied. But - _but?_ But then what? The mix emotions are stirring my thoughts up, messing it like the chaotic scene I'd seen back in the cafeteria.

Levi's grip was fading out of touch. Seems that he's trying to escape the pain by leaving his consciousness. But he shouldn't. He might never gain his consciousness, _ever again._ The thought strike me like a wreck hammer. He can't die here, _not as easy as this._

"Levi, stay with me. Don't sleep, the doctor's on the way." He weakly nod as I pull a few strands of his jetblack hair away from his face.

"Where's the patient?" An attentive voice echoed within the empty room. I look over my shoulder to see Hanji and the auburn girl dashing towards our direction. Hanji's face instantly gloom as soon as she saw Levi's helpless body lying against the pad. "Levi? What happened?!" Hanji palmed Levi's forehead and neck, then check his pulse afterwards. "Sansa, bring a couple of dextrose" and without further a do, Hanji's injecting needles against Levi's delicate skin that made him gringe like a five year old. I could feel the shudder his body makes, so what I did is to crawl up against the edge of his bed and let his forehead sink under the anterior of my neck, my free arm embracing his lower back. The needles were connected inside a clear cord, going up into a couple of dextrose on which was hanging against a metal pole. Levi never let go of my hand, like it's the only thing in the world that he could hold unto his life.

"Can you breath?" Hanji asked.

"Barely." Levi mumurmed over my collar bone, sending warm touch against my skin.

"Okay then, let's put on the oxygen cord to help you breath, then you could rest. I'll inject some nuetralizer afterwards." Hanji let out a relieved sign before turning on the oxygen tank right beside Levi's and hook the cord against his nostrils. Levi was fast asleep in an instant, his body weight resting over myself.

"Geez, Eren. I hate seeing my friends as my patient, it spook the hell out of me." Hanji took a seat on the opposite side of the bed, seems that she's here to care as a friend, not as a doctor. She caress Levi's cheek using her thumb, gazing at his face, then down to his lifting and sinking chest.

"The last time this happened, he almost die." I glance at her, startled by the sudden fact. "Thank you for bringing him here. If it wasn't for you, Levi might be good as dead." _If it wasn't for me?_ If it wasn't for me, he'll never step into this hospital. If it wasn't for me, Levi would still be resting over his uncomfortable bed inside Legion's Dormitory. If it wasn't for me, He'll never feel this awful torment I bought him into. _What will be her reaction if she found out that I'm the one who did this awful thing to Levi? Will she still thank me? Will she let me touch Levi like this? Will she ever forgive me?_

"It's my responsibility as his roomate, and a friend." I squeezed Levi's hand ever so lightly, not wanting to cause anymore damage. He had enough of my shits. One damage at a time is enough.

"Well, as I can see, you two are more than just friends?" Hanji gave me a drowsy wink, crossing her arms over her chest. I bit my lip in embarassment while gazing down to the sleeping Levi and I could feel the crimson tint fading against my caramel cheeks.

"N-No, we're not like that. W-We're roomates -- a-and we're -"

Hanji cuts me with a chortled. "I'm just kidding, Eren. But you see, this guy -" She pointed at Levi. "Was damaged as he is. It may not look like it, but he is." I can't find even a single hint of her usual winsome tone, and she's staring at me straight to the eyes like she's trying to read my thoughts, but she can't, _doesn't she?_

"What do you mean?" This is an opportunity. Hanji is the closest person to Levi as I've witnessed so far. Maybe she knew something. Hanji knows Levi better than anyone else. I could use her. And that'll be the worse part of it, Levi will face his downfall because of a friend.

"I'll trust you with this, okay?" Hanji leaned closer, resting her elbows over the edge with her chin against her palms. _Trust_. Such big word. It's like a deal without any formal arrangements between those people involved. They can spill everything out without your knowing, and you could do the same to them. They can burn you down using your own distress and misfortunes, yet you still choose to share your gideous side. So trust is all about taking risk. You're pouring your soul into that person because you're confident enough, you're quite sure that they'll choose love over hatred, envy and jelousy. _But then why is Hanji trusting me with this? Why is she trusting Levi to me?_ They even barely know me. But then again, it's part of the plan. To gain his trust. Maybe Levi will never trust me with this, but with Hanji's insanity, I can descry his deepest, hidden secrets.

"You can trust me." Can she, really? Hanji paused for a moment with a sharp, deep breath. My nerves are cracking in exhilaration, though I'm being rive between the two contrast emotions stirring up on my chest. _But the evil one is dominating._

"I'd known Levi since Elementary, and as far as I remember, he used to be a cheerful seven year old boy." Hanji and Levi were like me and Armin, though I never trust Armin utterly, he is just as important as Levi is to Hanji.

I glance down at Levi, which is now free of pain and stress. _Cheerful_. The word echoed inside my head. Who? Levi? This man? I cannot even conceive him smiling.

"He was an adopted son of the once most influencial family in England, the Ackermans. He was living with a silver spoon shoved against his mouth, you see?" Like me. I sat placid against my position, never wanting to miss any details. "Then an accident, no, that wasn't an accident. It was planned. The massacre. Levi lost the two of his younger siblings, Isabel and Farlan, and his own mother. His father, luckily, was out of town when the incident happened. But when Mr. Ackerman came back, he took the blame over Levi. _Can you imagine that, Eren?_ The people Levi loved the most were brutally killed infront of him, then he'll take the blame? That's irrational!" Hanji raised a tone, her fists clenching inflamely, anger and hatred painted upon her expression. _What a sad story._

"Levi never took the blame, he took the grief of his father. And I think that's much worse." Hanji was enligthen for a moment, though not fully. Isn't that what it seemed to be? The father can't blame the child, never can he. Levi's consciouness existing  instead of the lost, instead of the true blood, and it's undeniably unacceptable for the father's part. So then he grief, to grief is to anguish, to grief is to release, and he used Levi as a tool to release, though he had forgotten that Levi was griefing himself, too.

"I still can't understand on why he would throw Levi away just like that, as easy as that." I can't argue with that. _He denied Levi, just like that._ Now that's irrational. He could blame him for days, for weeks, or even for years, but to deny? Congratulations to him, he officially lost everything he had.

"Hanji." I uttered. She glanced at me under those thick pair of glasses, the distate for the past consequences was still flaunted.

"Why are you trusting me with this?"

"Because -" She bit her tounge for a moment. "Because I'd never seen Levi needing someone else like he needed you." My eyebrows tangled in confusion. He needed me right this very moment simple because he doesn't have any choice, _right?_ Because I'm the only one he could use to survive, _right? Yes, Eren. He used you, but it's part of the plan doesn't it?_

"He never asked me to hold his hand the way you do, even how much pain he is going through." Hanji tried to hide the smirked under her fingertips, though I could still foreseen what she is into.

"So I'm trusting Levi to you, Eren. Levi will never trust himself to anyone else, so I'm the one who's taking an action. This is between you and me, not Levi and you. You promise? _Never ever let anyone hurt Levi, ever again."_

I can't. I couldn't. How will I ever protect the person who I'm supposed to destroy? How? I can't even inhibit myself, I'm out of my mind. I'm foolish. I'm insane. I'm...I'm a brainsicked stalker.

But then, unexpected words flow voluntarily out of my mouth.

"Yes. I promised." Hanji then stood up her feet, crossing her arms against her chest.

"Good!" Her blithsome self shifted again. "I'll shot Levi with neutralizer, then you can, like, hmmm - untie yourself away from him. It's getting pretty sloppy."

"Hanji." I sighed, though I could feel a smirk streching upon my lips.

"Fine, fine. Anyways, Levi isn't too fond of messy places. Maybe we could transfer him into a private room."

The next hour was consist of transferring Levi into the nearby private room with the oxygen tank still connected over the cord, and into Levi's nostrils. It was a strenuous work than it looked like. The oxygen tank was hefty and Levi was fragile. I can't use a full force,or else I might hurt Levi unexpectedly.

3:12 am. And I'm pretty tired and drowsy. Hanji left the room, saying that her shift was over and she can't stay at the hospital for long cause that's the rule. Stupid rules. So right after Hanji's presence was out of sight, I took the only seat in sight and rest my head at the edge of Levi's bed.

It wasn't that long before unconsciousness took over me.

Though I could still sense the presence of reality.

And the gentle touch against the strands of my hair.

_"Goodnight, Eren."_


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi

A fortnight had past after Levi's confinement in the hospital for two consecutive days. It was the toughest two days of my life. Like everytime Levi needs a shot, Hanji will call me out of the blue just to tell me that the midget keeps on throwing up a tantrum and she can't handle him. She even called once while I'm having a quiz on my Physics. I besseched the damn teacher if I could just take the quiz for tomorrow, but he strike me with his "take it or leave it" shit that leaves me with no choice but to rushed out of the class and surrender my papers with a zero remark. Levi caused too much aggravation on my nerves in that particular moment, but when I finally arrived, witnessed his extreme panic attack, all I could do was to held and comfort him the best that I can. The frigthening truth though, is that I never felt the usual satisfaction or any sense of relish towards his pathetic whimpers. All that goes through my mind in that instant is to calm him down, not to harm him, nor to gain his trust. I wanted him to feel safe _. I wanted him to know that he's safe with me, that there's nothing to fear when I'm with him._

But then, since the incident -since after he had discharged from the hospital, Levi never say a word to me. Never did he shown any gratitude. No "thank you, Eren" or even a tiny smile of appreciation. Nothing at all. Our casual conversations dissolved into thin air. I tried to make up some pointless talk, though God knows how rubbish my conversation skills is, but still, I made an effort hundreds of times. But Levi  just keeps on snapping it by walking out or shrugging off.

The plan has failed. I supposetedly have his trust on my own hands now, but what happened is the complete opposite. He distanced himself to me, treat me like I'm a wild animal to be feared of, and the worst part is, make me feel that I'm invisible. I know I shouldn't have this distress over the man's neglection, nor I should care about how he thinks of me. But I couldn't help but to pain myself over the unseen walls building up between us. I need to do something. _Do it then, Eren._ Something better. _Better?_ Something more afflictive. _Afflictive?_ Yes. Something that will leave him with no choice but to crawl back to me, back to my faux comfort. _Isn't that great?_

 **Eren** : Meet me.

 **Jean** : I have a class.

Blah, It's saturday, but college still have classes. Great.

 **Eren** : After class then?

 **Jean** : Cool. 6pm at Starbucks downtown. I'm expecting some good news.

 _Not a good news, actually._ I cast my phone over the pad before sinking in against the bed. I'm starting to get used to it, though I'm still longing the spacious mattress I once had. I still miss Germany, the green fields, Armin, and even the bone-chilling weather. That's how it should be, to miss everything I left behind. We'll just realized how signifacant those possessions are until it was taken away from us. How irrational. Why are we still seeking for something better if we could just settle for a simple one for good? Why are we so aspiring? Why are we all so greedy? I'm asking questions in which are unanswerable, and it blew my mind off. But before I set myself in a catastrophe, my phone rang unexpectedly.

**Mikasa Calling.....**

"Hello."

"Eren. I told you to call me didn't I?" I'm done with their accents. It breaks through my eardrums like a max megaphone.

"Yes."

"Then why didn't you call me? I'm worried sick!" That was the first time in years that I heared Mikasa rasing a tone. She maybe really worried, but she must understand, too, that I'm almost an adult now. She can't handle me like I'm a one, indefensible toodler.

"Mikasa, stop treating me like a child. I'm good."

"It's been three weeks and you never sent me even a single message." Geez. What a stubborn twin she is. I heaved myself away from the bed, crossing my legs against each other to steady my body.

"I'm sorry, okay? I'd been adjusting, so I never get to call or text you. Now stop storming like a hurricane." Mikasa let out a deep breath, so deep that I can almost felt the air brushing against the tip of my ear.

"Fine. I'll drop on your dormitory by tomorrow before we leave for a school trip."

"School trip? Do you really need to drop by?" No No No. Hell, No. If Mikasa - and Levi. Goddammit. She knew him. She even confessed her admiration towards Levi. And she knew that I was aware of that, of everything, yet I choose not to spill a thing. Shit shit shit.

"Yes, I need to see the place. I've been imagining an uncomfortable piece of room."

"Mikasa, I-It's fine, I mean - the place is nice. You don't ha--"

"You're hiding something aren't you?" Shit. This is the worse that could happen to me. I'm a keen pretender, great actor even. But when someone caught me off guard, my automatic response is to startle and panic, specially with Mikasa.. She could be mistaken as a cat because of her sensitivity over random circumstances. She could smell fears, even lies. Though she never yet saw me through, _doesn't she?_

"N-Nothing. Shut it now Mikasa. Just go if you want, i don't care." Mikasa breath for the second time.

"Good. See you at 7 in the morning. Bye. I love you." I sighed at the latter remark she always does since third grade. But to my surprised, it became a normal routine for our daily phone calls, never did I failed to make the remark, like it's an obligatory statement. I wonder if this remarks are being said between Armin and Mikasa, too.

The door creaked open before I could say my ave.

"I love you too, bye."

Levi glanced down at me for a moment -with a black suitcase and a couple of folders pressed against his chest- before yanking the door shut. He seems exhausted. His natural weary eyes were undeniably triggered by much fatigue.

"Welcome home." I straightened my back, sliding the phone out of my ear. He nod in response, though I can barely recognize if he really do. "How was work?" Levi shrugged once again before putting his stuffs over the table board. Here we go again, his neglecting game. It pisses me off, really. I cared enough for him, _even though I shouldn't._ I've been slipping out of my original intention _, even though I shouldn't._ I've been figthing off the monster inside my head for him. _But why? Huh, Eren? Why would you care? He's just a worthless piece of your game, isn't he?_

"Did you lose your tounge or something?" I stood off my feet, patience slowly escaping out of my reach. I amble my feet, closer and closer, watching his back while he slide off his black coat and cast it against the office chair, leaving just a polo shirt tucked under his slacks. If he don't respond now, I'm sure as hell - he'll regret it.

"Did you?" Levi turned to face me, but to his surprised, our faces are just inch away, so close that I could hear the sudden hype of his breathing. I made a sudden thrust to corner Levi's tiny self against the table board and lock him between my arms, leaving him with no choice but to deal with me or else- or else what? I really have no idea what I am doing.

"What are you doing you brat." Levi tried to shoved my shoulders, but seems that I had made his knees tremble that he couldn't even budge enough force to move my body. His face flushed in embarassment. He can't even glance at my direction, his eyes darted on the floor. I made him weak. Ah...how cute was that?

"Oh. Seems that you had your tounge back, Ackerman?" I mumbled, driving my mouth between his right ear and jawline, satisfied by the shiver his body makes.

"What I shame. I'm planning of checking it out for myself." I brushed my lips across his jawline - as light as a wing feather - that made his whole body tensed. I could hear his chest pounding, sweat rolling, and the lust I'm sending him into.

"Would you mind if I still do?" I turned to gaze at his grey, shivering cold eyes, lingering my sight to his crimson cheek, down to his ever so delicate lips. I bit the edge of my lower lip, driving the temptation away from my head. Too soon, Jaeger, too soon.

"You're making me upset. The way you distance yourself away from me, the way you neglect my company." I lithely heave my skinny hand to make contact against Levi's porcelain cheek, which is now tinted by a slight hint of crimsom.

"Stop it." His voice cracked in the verge of weep. Though his eyes were blankly placid, I could still percieve the hanging liquid droplets ready to pour any seconds. _Is he going crying? Why? Did I hurted him? Was my touch too harsh? Is he scared?_ Too many questions in my mind that he's the only one who's capable of answering.

"Levi. God, are you okay? Did I hurt you somewhere? Dammit." A sudden alarment shoot my chest. My hands found Levi's narrow shoulders, tensed, yet I could feel the undeniable tremble it makes. It increased the panic growing over me. What did I do wrong?

"I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

"I'm alright. I just - Please leave me for a moment." I yanked myself to make distance, too frightned, too cautious to make anymore mistake. _What are you so scared of Eren? You're scared that you'll hurt him? Huh? Aren't you the one having an intense loath over him?_

"I'll leave - just please tell me, did I hurt you somewhere?"

"No you didn't, Eren. Just - I just need to be alone for a moment." He breathed, almost as though he can't even reach his own throat. His hands were still trembling, I could see, even under those pockets.

"I'll let you calm down. But we'll talk about this later. Okay?"  He just nod.

"And I'm sorry, again."

"I accept your apology." That strikes me, sending me to the memories of my childhood. Armin's Grandpa had often told us -to me and Mikasa and Armin - that whenever someone hurted you, or done something wrong in your part - Never say the words 'It's okay' after hearing their apologies. Because that means, _It's okay for them to do it all over again._ That you'll forgive even how much pain they've caused you. That they have the right to do it again and again because they have your word - that it's okay.

' _Don't even tell that you forgive them'_ Pops used to say. _'Because you don't forgive them in that exact moment. No one can ever forgive someone that quick. It'll takes time to heal. It takes time to forget. Everything takes time, kids. So what you need to say is 'I accept your apology', which means- never am I allowing you to do it again nor am I saying that I'll forget what you did - I'm accepting it to extricate myself from anger and wrath. And that your apology will serves as a medicine of the healing process'_

Levi accepted my apology, but he never said that it's okay nor he had forgiven me. I know it's too dumb to think about it, because it's was just a stupid joke. But- but? I can't even comprehend. My chest tightens by the fact that he hated me for my obtuse behaviour. But the worst part is - I don't have any idea why - that the cold, placid and intense Levi I thought I knew was as delicate as a porcelain doll.

And with that, I shut the door behind me and rushed down the building to cool myself off. It's not that I felt anger towards Levi, cause it's utterly not his fault, I just need to clear my mind - my intentions, everything in my being. Now he's far-off to my reach. I really need to do the plan. If he don't buy that, then I don't know what else.

 _4:11pm_ less than a couple of hours before I meet Jean, but I have no any idea where to go, specially now that my mind is in a utter chaos. It wasn't that cold, though the sky is caliginous that a downfall will settle down any minute.

I pushed the glass door to welcome the taste and aroma of the freshly brew coffee beans. I thought I was in peace, that I'll be in my own for a couple of more hours before I come back to my reality. But there she is - Hanji- walking towards me as she stumble her feet on the chair and tables setting.

"EREN! Ah! What a coincidence!" She yelled, people turned their attention in our direction. "Come come! To my seat." She pointed at the two seats on the corner of the cafè. We made our way towards the seat, but then sudden idea rushed through me. _It's Hanji._ She knew Levi. Maybe she knew why.

"Hanji." I uttered as soon as we settled ourselves against the chairs.

"Hm Yes?" She took a sip of coffee, eyeing me over those thick glasses, reading my expression like I'm some kind of book. "Would you mind if I order you something before we talk? You seemed pretty uptight, a cup of coffee will help."

"Yes please, Cappuccino, if you don't mind?" She stood up and came back with a cup of Cappuccino an a piece of sticky cinammon bun. I took a sip, and she was surprisingly right - coffee helps.

"Now, young man, what's bothering you?" He glanced at me with no trace of cheerfulness in her emotion. Even though Hanji is annoying often times, she still have the capacity of bringing aside her foolishness.

"It's Levi." His name made my spine cringe in an instant. How can he do that?

"Since after the incident, he never say a word to me, neglecting everything I say or do. You know it's hard, considering that we're staying in the same room." Hanji never say a word, letting me took the moment and rant everything on my chest. "And just a while ago, he got me pushed over the edge, so I - I know it's stupid - but I treathen him, pinned him against the table board and tell him if he's not going to talk, I'm going to check his tounge for myself." Hanji grinned in that statement, but I brushed it off and continue to my story. "Then he began to tremble, he almost cried, and he told me to just leave him alone. Goddammit. I'm jumbled like a ten thousand puzzle pieces. I thought I hurted him, but he said no, but I know I did." Hanji took a deep breathed after realizing that my rant was over. She hook her elbows against the table and rest her chin over the back of her hands.

"Levi, ah- my poor Levi." He shook her head a couple of times. "Seems that the incident triggered the trauma he had eigtheen years ago. It's has always been triggered for the past years, but now - I'm not telling that it's your fault, Eren. But the circumstamces you two are in made it worse." _Made it worse?_ "At first - when you took care of him back in the hospital, he felt safe and he almost trusted you." _Almost._ "But because of the trauma, the brutality, the rejection he had been through, he still can't find within himself to trust again. He's afraid of the pain, physically, mentally and emotionally. You see how he panics over a shoot?" Then I remembered how he smoke to scape the labyrinth. If he wanted to escape that badly, he could just end himself- just as easy as that. But Levi - he is frigthened, afraid. He couldn't hurt himself even how much he wanted to.

"I'm not just a doctor, Eren. I'm a certified Psychologist, too. But Levi never let me become his doctor. He's as stubborn as a lion, I'm telling you." She signed. "So now that you know, never do that - ever again."I sighed in frustration. _What now? So I can't touch him? I can't talk to him? I can't do anything until the plan has been made? Cool._

"Never will I. I failed the promise, though. I'm sorry."

"Never apologize for something you're not aware of." Hanji slides her arms off the table, straigthening her back and turned her wrist to glance at her watch. "Oh, 4:48pm? Sorry Eren, I still wanted to talk, but I got an appointment at 5. But still, watch over Levi for a while, okay?"

I will. Now that you're in a verge of  demise, Hanji. No one will ever watch Levi over but me.

So I will make an apology, for I am utterly aware of my future fault. _Are you sure that you're fully in control of yourself, though, Eren?_

"I will."


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are two point of views in this chapter and ahhhhhhh i will never do a Levi P.O.V again okay I need to change the approach and the persona and ASDFGHJKL idk if i did it right kill me bye. I mean here's the chapter.

_**Eren** _

"Who's that?" Mikasa - wearing a red schekerd knee-skirt and a white long sleeves under a thick navy blue coat, with a golden badge stitched over the left pocket - pointed a finger towards the opposite direction of my own bed- where Levi is still dozing comfortably with his bare back facing the ceiling. He got a bad habit of sleeping naked, not sure if it's bad enough for my seeing, though.

"My room mate." I apathetically uttered, my back still against the pad, struggling to heft myself up, seems that the gravity increases it's intensity every time in this morning.

"A room mate?" Her calm voice trailed off, though it was loud enough to trigger annoyance for a person who just woke up. "I agreed with you staying in this dump, Eren. I paid for the whole six months knowing that you'll be comfortable enough in a room, ALONE, with enough space and good ventelation." Her tone rises in an instant that it made my back pulled away against the comfortless bed. I chafed my lids using the back of my index finger, rubbing away the spirit of sleepness.

"Mikasa, lower your voice." But as stubborn sister she is, she never listened.

"And that bed? Not even half as good compared to an economy hotel room!" Levi made a sudden shift facing the wall where the hanging closet is attached. "I'm calling mom." A sudden pang of furor crawl under my skin as the monster caged inside me is struggling to come out once again. She's aware of it, and she's doing it on purpose. Mikasa is utterly aware of the intense distate I had for either of our parents - if they even deserve to name them as _ours_.

"DON'T YOU DARE, MIKASA." Mikasa was just as startled as me. Never I had concieve that I can make a threatening remark towards Mikasa, or to anyone else. _You're the tamed little brother no more, Eren._ Of course I'm not, never did I. _Which means that Mikasa, your father, your mother and anyone else could never held you by the neck._ That's right. Mikasa can't decide for me now, she never had the right to, anyway.

"Uhm. Eren you're too loud brat." Levi snugged close against blankets, covering his head to hide himself from the unwanted shriek I just made. I woke him up. Once Levi was awaken, he can't never go back to sleep. He always do - at 6 in the morning or even at 3. I'm usually being awaken by the sound of the running water from the bathroom or the suffocating smoke of nicotine. Then I'll just sneak under my blankets and watch him inhale and blow the toxin while he stare at nothing out the window seat for hours. The look in his eyes, you could clearly concieve the weariness of his eyes lids, like they just wanted to shut for years, yet the distress of the eyes itself keeps on figthing the sleep.

"Leave. Now." I mumbled intensely under my breath, my teeth grinding in anticipation of controlling my anger. Mikasa shoot me a murderous glare as I try my best not to avert the contact.

"Fine, Eren. I won't call mom, nor go against this shit you're into. Just please- don't do anything stupid. Don't do something you'll regret afterwards." And with that, Mikasa rushed out of the room, banging the door behind her without acknowledging my next sentiment. The look in her eyes, the way the words slipped out of her mouth, the way she acted - it almost liked she knew everything I had in mind. _Don't do something you'll regret afterwards._ Is she pointing out something? Does she know something that she should be unaware of? Dammit, this is getting out of hand. I shrugged every tangled composition of my wild guesses, getting distracted by Levi who is still clinging on against the mattress.

"Levi." I grumbled, practically crawling towards Levi's bed until I reached the edge of the immaculate pad. We had failed to clarify those unresolved issues last night. A little plan plotting between me and Jean unexpectedly consumed an ample amount of time, so I got home at almost ten in the evening, which is late for Levi's likeness - and so I found him almost as if he's just a cold lifeless body at the time I reached our room. I didn't even bother waking him up in that moment, because even though I'm impatient piece of shit, I'm still fully aware of how much stress and confusion he's going through - because of my fault.

"I know you're awake, I'm sorry about the commotion earlier. Let's talk?"

_No response._

"Levi." I made a gentle pressure over Levi's blanket covered body, rocking him sideways like a helpless toddler. "You promised that we'll talk about this afterwards, didn't you?"

_Deafining silence._

"I'm not going to hurt you, not a single bit. I won't do it ever again I promise. I just want to settle every single fault in this room." Then the thick grey blanket sluggishly slide off, revealing Levi's bare front and flustered eyes that couldn't even stare to anything but down to the blanket that's still covering his lower body. "Let's make this quick." He covered his mouth with his fingers, still avoiding any contact.

"Geez- how can we talk like that? Sit here." I tapped the space between my thighs knotted together and a pillow just beside it. Levi reluctanly heft his back from the pad, struggling to take the seat so close to me. I turned to his direction and now that he's infront of me, face to face I still couldn't comprehend how did this side of Levi had been triggered. He might looked normal, but deep inside, I know, he had changed just like that. The sharp eyes gone tamed. The harsh words gone kind and soft. The dominant gone submissive, yet I'm honestly liking it.

"Now look at me." Levi straigthened his back, his hands laying over his knotted, short legs. He glanced at my green eyes as I adore the soft, tender grey iris of his. "Are you scared of me?" He then abruptly avert his stare and look down at his pale fingers.

"I- I don't know. You saved me from that incedent, yet - yet you tried to hurt me yesterday. I'm confused. I don't know." Levi shrugged like a little fragile manequin.

"It's not my intention to hurt you - I will never hurt someone special." _Really huh, Eren? How twisted your tongues with lies?_ I never lied when I said he's special though, cause he truly is. "I just got upset when you started to neglect me like I'm a piece of trash- yeah definetly I'm a piece of trash but -"

"No you're not a trash." Levi's fist curled into a clench, his eyebrows furrowed in fierce defense. "If I'm not then why did you just stop talking to me?" I carefully pinned my wrist down on either side of him, leaning my face closer, trying my very best to steady my breathing.

"I'm just- the thing happened in the hospital shouldn't happened. I can't let you in, not just yet." He pushed his back a little bit to draw more distance between our chilled faces. I was a bit disappointed by his action. _Come on Levi, bit the bait._

"Why won't you let me in, Levi?" _Closer, closer, closer, until he let me in._ "I barely know you, you little brat." I smirked at the nickname he gave me, though at first it wasn't pleasing. But now, not until now, that I felt a special connection when he called me by that name.

"You can trust me." My voice was low, husky and inviting- like a demon seducing an angel - like a sinner pleasing the saint - A predator inviting his prey.

"And why would I trust you, huh Eren?" Levi's sarcastic tone arose as a coltish smirk lined over his lips. Our nose were almost touching- and I could feel my heart scrambling against my chest by just staring at his pale smile. Even though I'm the one being dominant at the moment, Levi still have the capacity to stir my stomach like those flammable chemicals - and for a second I thought that I'm going to explode like one of those failed experiment.

"Because --"  a bit my lip, embarassment suddenly rushed unto me. How could he control my emotions by just simply letting out a playful smirk? "I like you- and I won't let anybody harm you." _Seven hells_. Did I just confessed? Did I just admit the unwanted feelings I have for him? But more importantly, what do I mean by 'I like you'? It can mean I like him as a friend, or a roomate, or something else.

"We're both guys." I could see a pain jerked upon his tone after saying the obvious thing. Is that a sign of being accepted, or being doubted?

"So what? I like you, and I can like anything I want." _Wrong words Eren._ Why am I being distracted by his pained reaction? I can't think straight - My mind is clouded like a thousand storms. "Oh, that's what you mean by like. I misunderstood, I beg you my pardon." Levi slowly pressed his hands against my chest, pushing me cautiously until I can no longer feel the warm of his bare skin. A sting of ache jerked against my chest. He seem upset. And even though their's a thick fabric separating our touch, I could still sense the tremble his hands make. _He always trembles_ -I thought. What he is scared about?

"Come on, Levi." I plead for the last time, reaching for his warmth again, but he jerked away - his cheeks noticably flushed even though he's covering his face by his hands. I pull myself away when I realized that I'm unconsiously doing it again - I'm scarying him again, for the second time around instead of having his trust. So in the end, I still have no choice. At least I tried, but Levi didn't cooperate. I could just offset the plan if he's soft enough to trust me, or at least tell me he'll try. But the fear took over him, and I had no choice.

"You don't have to be scared of me, you know?" I slide off my self away from the pad before setting my feet on the freezing tiled floor, leaving Levi there like a startled cat. "I'm going downtown. If you need anything, you can text me or call me. I'll come whatever the reason." I'm angry. Not to Levi- but to myself. It seems that I'm falling into something that I shouldn't be falling to. The scariest part is that I was pained by the grewing distance between me and him, that I can no longer touch him without his sudden trembling hands.

 **But why.** Why am I feeling this way? Why do I even care so much? The distate and bitterness I had back in Germany seems to dissolved into thin air. Now that I'm walking out of our room - pained, my ego and my chest- All I could think of is to make him mine, no matter what it takes. I'll do everything- if it cost my dignity, my obtuse way of living, or even life itself. I'll send agony and torment to anyone, to everything, just to enclose the distance between me and Levi. I'll hurt him if I need to, everyone to whom he valued the most - I could take them away from him, so It'll just me. Me and him. No one else.

_**A couple of weeks later :** _

_**Levi** _

_"I like you - I won't let anybody harm you."_ Words of promises. How many words had been said, how many feelings had been wasted, how many hearts had been bleed - all because of this words of promises. It's been eighteen years, but the wounds of my father's false promises is still under going an extreme healing process. Not the damaged bloodstreams of my own mother and two of my siblings caused the most affliction- Nor the terrifying gunshot from the unknown. It's not them, though they made a big role of the trauma. It's not them, but the rejection of him -the person I trusted the most. Funny how those people who you value the most are the same people who can wreck you, break you into bits and pieces that no fixation could ever bring the you back together.

The trauma of my past never left my consciousness even after all these years- the bitter truth is that, it grew worse after the incident. But here's the thing : I didn't remember consuming anything with lactose content on that day. It's a bit strange, suspiscious even. I'm a vigilant man - everyone who knows me well are aware of that, even myself. A month had already passed  - Yet I still couldn't comprehend how stupid my actions were that I almost killed myself. It's not that I fancy living in this cruelty of place - I just couldn't die like that. I wanted my death to be much of a worth, so at least before I die, I could smile to myself and say "I did something right for the first and last time". Not the "I die because of the substance that came from the tits of an animal."

"Levi, What are you thinking?" I blinked - realizing that I'd been staring out the car window for so long without even blinking an eye. I turned my gaze to Hanji who's driving her messy, unpleasant car. How could she drive this piece of filthy thing without puking her stomach out? I bet all the rubbish in London are nothing compared to her dusty car floor.

"Nothing. Keep your attention on the road." I sighed, thinking that I shouldn't agreed with this four-eyes to drive me out at Saint Anne's - an all girl school where I teach basic calculus and trigonometry.

"How's Eren?" I fliched at the name. Eren. He's just a boy - a kid. Yet he's affecting me like a severe disease. I had never been so confused about a person's intentions before nor being close to someone that our lips almost touched. He's terrifying at most, specially when my panic attack takes over, yet he's gentle and warm. He wanted me to trust him so badly- he even beg for it. I couldn't say yes - because giving him my trust means giving him the power to destroy me. Not again. Not anymore.

"He's okay I guess." I shrugged as I drag my attention over the nearby road intersection. Hanji's helding on the gas pedal unconsiously, like she normally do. Though I didn't put too much care about it because I'm still alive so far after dealing with her reckless driving habits for more than a decade.

"Question's wrong. How's YOU and Eren?" I jerked uncomfortably against the seat, eyeing the green light flickering over a spotlight hanging just above a thick pole. How really? I couldn't contain it myself. The boy is mysterious, his expressions is cryptic and full of secrets, I could sense. He can make my bone chill with the use of his green eyes, like the green light over that spotlight I was currently staring at. No one is capable of sending me unexplainable feeling but him - an obviously rich kid who chose to stay at a cheap all boys dormitory. Because of what? Who knows? The brat is hidding under the delicate face and soft, brunutte hair.

"We're okay but -"

"But?" I saw a hint of smirked painted against her lips.

"He's terrifying." I mumbled.

"Terrifying? Ha! You have no idea, little man. He talked to me once - and guess what the boy keeps on blabbling about? You, Levi. He's worried about you. He cared about you, can't you see that? Trust him. Eren is a good guy."

"It's not that eas--"

It happened too fast. The lenses of my own eyes isn't capable of capturing the seconds of the fading green light. But I swear I saw Hanji- I saw her sole pressing against the break pedal a hundred of times, but the car never shown even a slight sign of halt. A white van rushing towards us coming from the other side of the intersection. A sudden waves of flashbacks swirl on my head as I shut my eyes- waiting for the ferocious impact that could instantly stop the beating of my heart.

_Farlan, a boy of five - life has stolen from a very precious kid, stolen by a blistering speed of a bullet. Isabel, a deligthed child of two, almost just an infant - slayed by a man hundred times the size of  her. And my mother.. My once beautiful mother - I couldn't remember. I couldn't remember how did they kill or what did they do before they killed my mom. Maybe it's for the better - a seven year old who's utterly unaware of his mother's death. Everything that happened that night, I could clearly visualize. The screaming of my two younger siblings, the whimper I made, How my mother begged not to harm her children - How she offered her life for the exchange of our safety. Yet they didn't listened, they just laughed. The flood of blood, the corpse of my family, infront of me - infront of a tearless seven year old._

_Blackout.._

_Darkness.._

_Null.._

_Where am I?_

_Am I dead?_

_I can't feel anything. No pain. No warmth. Numbness._

A roaring sound of cracking engine break through the unconsciousness of my almost dead body. My head felt like it has been torn in half - my limbs gone numb but my upper body is in much pain, like a hundred barbeque sticks were stab under my skin. My lids struggling to open because of the thick liquid substance leaking just above my eyebrows. Noise. Smoke. Hanji. An Ace van where we crashed. Hanji!

"Shitty glasses..." I can't feel my throat. My mouth is dehydrated like sahara dessert had tackle the inside of my tounge. I could barely breath as I streach my hand to reach for my bestfriend - my only friend. "Wake up you dork." Her right temple pressed against the stirring wheel with a wild gash of blood coming out against it. Her glasses crashed into bits and pieces - and the belt strap, it was ripped out against the lock. _How did this happened?_ We're just talking about stuffs not just a minute ago - or how long I've been unconscious? I remind her every now and then to check her car regularly to avoid accident like this. I reminded her because she's important to me. I can't lost her now. I can't lost someone anymore. I had failed to protect everyone I loved. It's my fault, like my father said. Cause I'm weak - helpless. I'm nothing but a breathing piece of flesh who can't do nothing but to cry my heart out over my lost.

"Hanji, no." I tried to reach her but I couldn't. Someone help me. Someone help us. _Brat._ You're supposed to help me, right? You promised me that you'll never let anyone hurt me - does this van counts? Where are you now, Eren? What the fuck are you doing in this life and death situation I'm currently in?

 _Eren_. So now I'm calling his name. So now.. I need him. Maybe Hanji was right. Maybe I should trust him. That might be my bestfriend's last wish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for the patient readers who are still clinging unto this messed up fic ahhh. I really don't have an official plot for this story - and like every chapter I made, my mindset changes EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. Really really really messed up. I'm actually starting to doubt if I should continue :/ tell me if i'm doing it right or nah or it's just a waste (comments are well appreciated :^). Buttt I'm really dedicated of finishing even just one fic. Messed up, right?


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was supposed to update earlier this week but uhhh, my schedule didn't let me. Anyways thank you for your lovely comments even though there's just few... I mean, someone actually reads this trash omg thank you again :*

_**Eren** _

How long I've been sitting infront of this emergency room whose patient is a stranger to me? It's been a while. It's been what? Two? Three hours? I'm not good at estimating time. All that my mind cognitize is that I'm waiting for something. Though I couldn't understand it myself, on why in the hell I'm misspending my time in such a waste. Who's in that room anyway? Why am I here? Why am I still waiting if I could just leave? And why it seems that there's a need for me to know?

The door budge in a sound of ugly creak, like it's been years since its last movement occur. The sound echoed within the hollow hallway with poor, blinking incandescent ligths. My chest abruptly pound in an exaggerated speed. My hands trembling and my knees gone weak as I struggle to stood up my feet. A man - more likely a doctor looking by his attire - saunter his bare footed legs towards my direction. His white laboratory gown splattered with bright red all around. It must be the white part that is stained - and the blood itself is the material of the fabric.

"Mr. Jaeger?" The doctor pulled his mask down against his chin, revealing the hideous crooked smile that will send anyone into a gringe. His voice was deep and rusty - like from a monster who crawled out directly from hell.

"What happened?" I reluctantly uttered, though I'm clueless of what's happening. The fright seems to stir up with the running blood inside of my own veins.

"Patients didn't made it. We did our best." His twisted smile never fades even after slipping those words of grieve. It doesn't matter, though. I sprint out of his sight before I could mourn over the lost of lives I'm never aware of. Who might be the dead? He said patients, means more than just one.

I shove the emergency door with a shuddering hands. My conscious is eager and curious, yet frighten to what revelation is hiding behind. It was almost unreal. Thick, red liquid splattered all over the white tiled floor. The once immaculate bedding now soaked with fresh blood from the three bodies curled up against each other. Three familiar bodies. Eyes wide opened - means the death was horrying for the living. Bodies torn into awful damage - blood dripping continiously. But their faces. I could clearly recognized - Mikasa, Armin.

Levi.

I couldn't scream nor whimp. Seems someone had my neck tied between it's grip. I couldn't breath - the smell of rooting insides and fresh slaugthered blood forcing into my senses. I couldn't move - the grieve and sorrow lingering over my entire being. My mind, my soul, my body. Who did this? A merciless monster indeed, but whom should I take the blame? To whom I'm going to pour the fierce mourn? _Aren't you, Eren?_

No. I can't kill them - not them. _But you're capable of doing so?_ No, I didn't. Did I -- Did I did this? Now look at your hands. I glanced down at my palms that's not covered with blood. Why am I holding a scalpel? No. No. No. No. No. No.

 **"SOMEONE'S CALLING SOMEONE'S CALLING PICK IT UP UP UP UP UP EREN! WHAT THE?! PICK IT UP NOW!"** My eyes pulled open with the sound of my new ringtone from Armin that he sent via email. My breath was unsteady - sweat rolling down my entire body and every muscle in my body seemed to sore. What kind of nightmare was that? It was virtually real. I grab the phone to see an unknown person trying to call me, and the person who I should give thanks of waking me up from a hideous dream.

"Yes, this is Eren Jaeger speaking." I steady myself in a sitting position to slide off my soaked shirt - the same shirt stained with blood in my nightmares.

"Mr. Jaeger, yes. I'm nurse Sansa from Shiganshina hospital, remember?" My throat tigthen in anticipation of the reason on why she would call me. Though I'm partly aware as of why, but I still couldn't pick up the missing pieces. It was just Hanji. Hanji and I aren't known for being close friends, so why is she calling me for this?

"Yes, so what's the big deal?" Jean did it. The plan has been made and well executed. It's surpringsing how Jean agreed with the hideous plan too quickly. To make up an accident. I told Jean that we'll never kill anyone and we'll just cause a mild accident - and actually, I lied.

"Doctor Hanji and Mr. Ackerman." Sansa mumbled over the phone, almost as if hiding some fearsome news. She mentioned Levi. What it could possibly be? Don't tell me Levi was there - in the car Jean sabotaged? How? My grip tigthen against the mattress as I bit my lip that could be cause a severe swolling."You better rushed here, Mr. Jaeger. It's not quite pleasing. You should come quickly as possible." Then she hanged up. My head's floating over my shoulders, though my physical body took action of leaving the room with my car keys and phone. I wore the first thing that I lay eyes on - which is a plain white shirt. My palms were sweating against the stirring wheel of my car, fingers shivering as I could here my own heart pounding against the back of my throat. My thoughts is in a complete chaos - percieving some possible occurances that may or may not involve Levi's safety. _The Nightmare._ It's not just a simple nightmare. It's something. A warning. The idea terrifies me more than the evil I have in myself. The pool of blood, Levi, Mikasa and Armin - crooked smile, stained clothes, blinking lights. Everything seemed so real that I could utterly visualize the whole scene at the back of my mind.

Levi - the name my head's screaming up until I reached the hospital's main counter. "LEVI - LEVI ACKERMAN.W-WHERE IS HE?" My voice was uneasy because of the panic tumbling down and fort inside my stomach. Now I'm utterly implicit about the turning of sudden events. A phone call from Sansa, Hanji, the car, Levi. He's with  her when the accident transpired, there's no doubt of it.

"Mister, please calm down." A boy with a dark hair turned to accompany a panicking teenage boy, but seems that I didn't hear a word as I continue to cause much disturbance. "BRING ME TO HIM OR YOU'LL LOSE YOUR JOB" I shoot the boy with an implacable glare after pounding both of my first over the solid counter. "I'm sorry mister this -"

"Mr. Jaeger!!" I turned my eyes over my shoulders to meet the only person who could explain this calamitous casualty. Sansa, sprinting her legs to cut the distance between us. "I'll handle this Berthold, back to work - and Mr. Jaeger, I'm glad you came this quick. The doctor needs someone to sign some waivers before the operation start. I couldn't think of anyone but you - Doctor Hanji's family is out of country and Mr. Levi, No one came for him." _No one came for him._ I couldn't believe that those five words can send a blistering throe to a numb heart. He's definitely alone without Hanji. _But I'm here now,_ even though I'm the caused of another torment of his. Levi doesn't need no one but me. Just me.

"Levi- H-How is he?" My voice still is trembling - frighten of the possible truth that Sansa will reveal. "Just some minor stitches and broken bones and he'll be fine. But Doctor Hanji -" Her eyes dropped into a sudden awry as her fingers clenched against the immaculate nurse uniform. "She's in critical condition. I'm afraid to say that she has a half percent of living."

My fist loosen as I welcomed the right amount of oxygen needed by my lungs.Levi was hurt. I can't help but to hate myself. I should've stop him from going with Hanji that morning. But what I did is to lure myself into a nightmare heading to my reality - and skip the rest of my classes.

"Bring me to them. I'll sign it."  And may the goodluck be ever in her side before death took the lead.

Levi was unconscious when I came into his room after the minor operation, with a tube running against his nostrils and dextrose of blood connected over his right hand. They needed to shoot him a tranquilizer before doing the stiches because of his panic attack. Sansa says that Levi keeps crying my name, asking for my help or something about being save by me. At first it wasn't too clear, but then I remembered my spoken promise - that I will never let anything hurt him. And guess what? I failed, again. My fingers aren't enough to count the times I had broken my own words.

I set myself against the seat beside Levi's bed, slowly tracing the mark of bruises painted against his hand and up to his forearm. Blue, violet and brown - the colors of afflictive collisions. I felt sorry for him, not because of the swathe enveloping his forehead nor the light scratches against his cheeks. I felt sorry for him because there's this mad person who's never in control of his actions, feelings and emotions who's obssesed with him. A half-witted kid who can't rule the hideous side of his own conscious. A selfish brat who can't decide of what emotion he should prevail - the feeling of destryoing or the promise of caring. A confused child I might be, but there's this one thing I'm assured of just of now- I'm Eren Jaeger, not Jean nor the evil inside me. I'm Eren Jaeger, not my parent's wealth nor the lushious car I'm driving. I'm Eren Jaeger, and I'm in control of myself, because I am who I am. Not my inner urges nor someone else provoketion. I will never ever let this happen, ever again. I almost kill Levi, and now I'm killing him inside because of his half dead friend. I didn't have to do all this awful things, do I?

"I'm very sorry." My jaw trembles as I breathed out these words - words that are usually made of feigned sentiments. How many times should we say sorry before we realized that we're really is sorry. That what we did should not be done again - that a simple sorry isn't enough for the pain we caused. It's just a word anyway, a powerful word indeed.

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Will you ever forgive me for this mess?"  I grasped Levi's hand, pressing my cheek against his. I felt a sudden teardrop running down my lashes, and to Levi's hand. I was startled for a moment -when was the last time I cried? And why am I crying over such foolish reason?

Levi's fingers abruptly jolt against my touch. I glanced up to met his wide opened eyes staring at nowhere in particular "Levi, How's your feeling?" I jerked away from my seat and lean closer to his placid face. "I can't move my legs." He mumbled so low that I can't almost comprehend his tangled words. His eyes moved down to his left and a sudden horror poured down his expression. "W-What's this? It- It's - there's a needle on me doesn't it?" Levi grasped the hem of my shirt, pining me down in such a violent way. His lips pressed tightly together, controlling the fright building up inside his chest.

"Take them off Eren." His voice trembles together with his hands. The abnormal motion of his shoulders is an indication of improper breathing.

"I can't do that, Levi. Please calm down." I set myself on the edge of his bed, soothing his back. "It hurts. The needle hurts." He glanced up to me - considering his height and mine - our eyes won't meet in such normal level. He started to cry - like a helpless child who can't find his mom in a grocery store. I can't bare to see him like this - all broken and afraid. "Can you feel the pain against your skin?" I pointed at the needle pressed against his bloodstream. Levi paused for a moment before shaking his head in disagreement. "See? It doesn't hurt isn't it? If I take them off, that's the time it'll hurt." I cautiosly lugged his head to rest at the crooked of my neck. I could feel his shoulders loosen in an instant - seems that he was tamed by the comfortable contact.

"I'm here. Nothing hurts when I'm here." He nodded without pulling off any distance. We stayed like that for a while until Levi had already pull himself together - my hands caressing his arms back and forth with his forehead pressed against the hem of my neck.

"Hanji. How's Hanji?" I bit my lip in surprise. How will I tell him that his only friend is inside the operating room, fighting for her life against death? Considering his situation, he can't handle this kind of intense torment, not just yet.

"The doctor's taking care of her. We must trust them, do we?"

"I saw her, almost as if she's dead. Everything happened in just a blink. I can't put the pieces together - the break broke and her seat belt torned, as if everything is directing towards Hanji's death." My body tenses and I swear to heavens my deepest regrets for my foolish actions.

"If she dies, I'll come with her." For once I thougth that my heart came pounding out of my chest. Every muscle attached in my nerves seems to numb, like a two bucket of ice had poured against my body.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I glanced down at him, though I couldn't see his face in this angle, I could still feel the tears falling out his eyes. "If I lose her, I didn't think that I can endure the pain for long, so I better be numb. All numb." The words trinkles against my skin - bumps lifting as if some spirit shit caressed me for once.

"Then I'll come with you, too." He stare up to me with such dumbfound expression and I gave him a crooked smile as a response.

"You're crazy."

"So are you, for saying such stupid things." I leaned closer so that our nose were just an inch away from each other. "If you die, I won't be able to endure the pain either. So I better be numb, all numb" My fingers found Levi's cheek, brushing away the teardrops hanging over his face.

"Why? My life isn't a big of a deal. I don't play a big role in your life anyway." The fact that he's refusing to live his life makes my chest pained like a thousand knifes had slice against my skin. The grief he is containing was severe enough for him to ask for death. He felt alone and abandoned by those people who he loved the most. But I'm still here, can't he see? I can take care of him just as much as Hanji did or anyone else did. I can surpass the love he had recieved from the people he had in life.

My arm slowly enfolded Levi's tiny physic - cutting the distance between our bodies. I lift his chin with my fingers to met his lips with mine. His body trembles as I move my lips against his. But for a second, he sync his with mine in a perfect rhythm. My stomach flutters and I could hear the heaven singing to me. Is this how hapiness really feels? Like your feet are almost afloat - every tense muscle loosen. Mind is in a utter mess, yet seems that the stars were leaning down on you. At last. I kissed him. I always wanted to do so - but now, I did. I parted our lips slowly, lifting my eyelids to glance at those grey eyes I adore the most. Levi surprisingly glancing back, not trembling, no signs of fear - but crimson face and panting breath.

"Who isn't a big deal? Tell me." Levi cover his swollen lips with his fingers, tracing the part where my teeth trailed off. "Never call yourself like that again, cause you matter. Maybe not to everyone - but to me, you are." Levi let out a single whimp, followed by a waterfall of tears and intense sobbing. I held him close to me, pressing my lips at the side of his neck for an attempt of comforting his overwhelmed heart. "Did I hurt you somewhere?" I mumbled against his ear, squeezing his body closer to me until no valid space occupies us.

"You don't, idiot." He uttered in between his sobs. Then I felt his arm slowly enveloping me from the side, and I felt warm, at last. He accepted me, though he never really said the exact words - his actions are doing so.

"Don't leave me okay?" He just nod, and we stay like that for forever, wishing the time would stop so no one else can interrupt the perfect fantasy we are sharing. Seems that the monster in me slowly fading away- all the loath, anger and hurt, dissolving into thin air. I wonder if Levi can feel the light burden out his chest, too.

And for that moment, even though my mind is in a complete chaos - thinking about the foolish actions I have done in the past, wondering if Levi will ever forgive me, or love me together with the darkness of my inner self. Even though everything seems too crashed, there is this one thing I'm utterly certain of -

_I'm inlove._


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a hell of a week. I never really expect that I can update this week ( even though I failed to update last week as well) Anyways this chapter is pretty messed up, just saying.

Just when I thought that everything seems to fall into place that our situation got worse. I was imagining a happily ever after with Levi after that act of perversion, but what happened is the complete contrary. A week had past since Levi got discharged from Shiganshina, and exactly a week since nightmare attacks had been a part of our nightfall. It was an awful sight to see. And the fact that I can't do anything but to embrace Levi's trembling physic makes me feel like I'm a one piece of trash. My conscience itching up my chest whenever I wake up to the sound of a frigthening scream of help from Levi. It was me, I'm the reason why.

"I want to see Hanji." Levi mumbled as I set the breakfast tray over his numb lap - broken bone laying against the swathe flesh. He can't even walk by himself until now, yet insisting of going out with his condition evey now and then. I set myself against the edge of his bed as he wait for my approval.

"It's not a good idea, Levi. The doctor said you should stay here until the theraphy starts. And seeing Hanji now won't be helpful." I tried to sound accomodating as possible even though I made myself clear that I'm against his request. Levi breathed in frustration, staring down at those two toasted bread, an egg and a couple strips of bacon like it's an awful thing.

"I'm not hungry." Here we go again, his usual tamtrums kicking in whenever I refused to go with his will. Levi started to act vulnerable after the accident. He easily get offended, hurt and cry, utterly different from the placid and impassive Levi I had fallen for. It's like I'm dealing with a whole different person with the same features for my own likeness. I changed him, just like that. But still, Levi is Levi. Even how much changes I need to deal with or his old self vanished, he's still Levi. And it will never change the fact that I've gone too much shits just to be with him. Though it's not yet official, nor he had told me he felt the same way as I do. All I could hold unto is how he needs me for the time being. But how long will it take for him to realize that he never really need me all this time? That everything is a scheme of hideous plan directing him into a pestilent bait.

"I love you, please eat." I pressed my lips against his forehead before glancing down at his crimson cheeks which brings out the grey of his pupils. His eyes shows countless possibility - joy, doubt, fright - but I couldn't bring up the pieces of which emotion he really feels right at this moment. Levi never shows or say that he has the same feeling of affection towards me. All that he does is to accept everything I offer - kisses, kind words- without making a single effort of showing that I meant something for him, too. It made my chest tigthens, thinking that I'm the only one who's willing to give up everything for him, that he'll never even hold me if  I fall into the blackhole of my own feelings. Now it's only me and him, without Hanji, or Jean or anyone else. Yet I'm still unsatisfied, it seemed that I felt worse - like the darkness that had been part of my life becomes darker - grosteque and causing terror.

Levi started to chew off the toasted bread with tiny bites at a time. I caustiosly enfold my right arm against the back of his spine, leaning my chin against the helm of his shoulder without interrupting his meal. Levi's body tensed at the sudden contact, and it hurts me to know that my touch is yet foreign for him. I thought it'll be better after all this torments, that my longing for acceptance and love will be cured by him, yet it feels like I'm scattering into much more scathe pieces. Is that really hard for those people I love to love me back? 

"Levi." I mumbled, feeling my throat tigthening for every words I'm planning to say. I should ask him. I need to know, or I'll forever hide myself in the darkness of my own pain.

"Hm?" He continues to chew.

"How do you feel about me?" I looked up to him, his jaw clenched into a sharp blade. I waited, every seconds feels like hours, and every minute feels like a lifetime. I listened to the sound of his breathing, wondering of what words might slip out from his mouth. I glanced down at my free hand and back up to him, but his face stood placid, motionless and cold. I knew it. I should've asked. Now I'm breaking. Stupid Eren. Stupid. Fool. How can someone like him love you? Your parents can't even stand the sight of you, how else those people who doesn't give a fuck over a psychotic child?

"Ah, forget it." I let out a simple chortle, realizing how embarassing my actions are, and how my chest hurts like it's ripping out by itself. I slide off my arms away from his warmth, every distance I made pinches my heart for some reason. I was rejected. I'll better be back at Germany, with the empty room and bone-chilling air. There is where I'm supposed to be, where emotions doesn't hit me like a wrecking shit. Where I'm the one who cause them pain - where I'm in control of my weakness.

"Eren." Levi reached for my face, his thumb brushing the skin of my cheek - and that's when I realized that I was crying. My feelings had betrayed me, how dare I cry infront of him. I never cry infront of anybody. No one sees Eren Jaeger weep, not even himself. But now I am. "Don't cry." The words of kindness was so foreign for my hearing that every blood in my veins seem to halt. It feels weird - to hear such words from someone, specially from someone you oath to hear it from.

I laced my fingers against Levi's hand, pressing a gentle pressure so that my cheeks could feel the warmth of his skin much deeper. I shut my eyes, though the tears were still escaping from the slit of my lids. For a moment, I wished for a miracle - that the time would stop for me. I never wanted to feel the aftermath of Levi's fingerprints against my skin. I need it, more than the oxygen my lungs needed.

"I'm so sorry." For everything.

"Don't be. Just give me some time to absorb everything. With Hanji's situation, my crumpled body and messed up mind, I can't answer now, nor I can decide of what my true feelings are." At least he didn't say that he has nothing to offer - and for that, I'm sligthly relieved. I open my eyes then, and gave him a genuine smile, though my heart is still scaterring to bits. I'll wait until he's ready. If it'll took months, or years or even a lifetime - I don't care less, as long as he's by my side.

"Thank you." I slide my hands off his, and he did the same. "I'll prepare your bath. Hanji sure wants to see you clean doesn't she?" 

I stared at him until he gestured that he's done with the food. I cautiously slide my right arm under his knees and my other arm against his back, carrying him towards the bathroom. Once we're inside, I set Levi's numb self over the bathroom counter just beside the sink. I glance down at him, giving a hint of silence with some hidden meaning.

"I need some help." He always stating, though every single day, I can't help but to ask for his permission first. It's not that I felt awkward undressing Levi, or I'm uncomfortable with his naked sight. I'm just afraid that I will scare him off, considering his on and off panic attacks.

My fingers quiver as I carefully pull the band of Levi's sweatpants, sligthly hefting his body so I could slide off the pants completely. I can't help but to bite my lips at the exposure of excess skin right infront of me, though the unwanted mixture of violet and brown were still visible against his skin like a spilled paint. I caress the largest mark of bruise printed against the inside of his right thigh, and my lips abruptly met the surprisingly soft skin. It wasn't rough, nor cold. It was still Levi's skin.

"Does it hurt?" I straigthen my back again, looking down at Levi who keeps on covering his face whenever I show such affection. Levi just nod, still averting my stare. "Oh, I'm sorry."

"Eren." I was surprised when Levi unexpectedly sieze my forearm, though it's gentle enough for my likeness. He locked our glances, his iris eating a large part of the pupil - grey eyes cold and numb like his crumpled legs. "Why are you doing this things?" He mumbled, as if he's just talking into some nonexistant creature. 

"Why?" I mimicked. I was confused, my mind tangled because of too many reason of why I'm doing such things for Levi. But there's only one caused - the roots of all the reasons. "I love you. That's it. I'm always reminding you that." 

"But why? What did you percieved to like such desolated person? I can't give what you wanted. I'm -" My chest tigthens more with the sudden halt of words. His nails digging in unconcsiously against my bare skin, but the pain I was feeling isn't from the skin, but from the inside of my chest. "I'm disrupted. I can't even put myself together. I'm not wor-" That's when I crashed my lips against his, pushing off the words I never wanted to hear from the person I love the most - the only person who makes my eyes sparkle in such exaggerated brightness. Levi is reason of all the reasons, the cause of all the cause - and yet he sees himself not as half as I sees him. It angers me to know that my love wasn't enough to make him feel better about himself. But what angers me the most, is that I can't reach for him. Even how close I can get, he's still so far away. Our teeth almost clung unto each other because of the intense sucking I make on Levi's mouth. I can't get enough of him, I want more, I want him. But I'm not a total fool to take advantage of him in this situation. I wanted it to be special - for me and for him. It's pretty surprising how a homornal teenager like me can control his urges. Maybe because love isn't all about sexual affection and such. It's all about caring and putting their sake first.

I unlocked the kiss, glacing at Levi's panting breaths and flushed cheeks. "I don't care shit if you're messed up or disrupted or desolated. You don't have to give me something in return. That's not what my intention is. Just let me love you. It's alright if you can't now, I'll wait until you can. I will never rush things. Do you understand, Levi?" That's when I realized that I'm pining him against the mirror, and that his body trembles like it used to be whenever he's afraid - panic attack. 

"Levi, look at me." I cupped his face to turn into my direction. He's crying. What have I done? All I wanted to do is to make him feel better, not like this. Eren, you're really just a piece of shit aren't you? "I'm sorry, it's not my intention to hurt you. Don't be afraid of me, please."

"I'm not scared. I'm just -I don't know. This was the first time someone ever told me that." I swear I saw a hint of smile streching against his lips even just for a second. And for that, my heart flutters - and it seems that there's a thousand people applausing over the distance.

"That they love you?" I pressed my lips against his forehead as I squeeze both of his hands lying against the cold porcelain tiles. 

"Everything."

"Well then, get used to it. And we better hurry- It's not that I don't fancy seeing you like this, I just don't want you to catch a cold." Levi brushed the rolling tears out of his cheeks as he let out a tiny chuckle. "Brat." And I smiled - for the first time I smiled for real.

It was exactly 10 : 45 am when we reached Shiganshina. Sansa welcomed us with a heartwhelming company, helping out to set Levi's wheelchair before I carry him over. We followed Sansa behind - a girl who's undeniably wary and gloomy - while I drive Levi's wheelchair. Before we could enter the ICU room, we needed to equipt ourselves with protection first because Hanji's still undergoing extreme isolation. Sansa was kind enough to help again, considering Levi's limited movements.

"Are you sure you wanted to see doctor Hanji?" Sansa mumbled while securing the lab gown unto Levi's back. Levi was a bit startled by the sudden query, though he's attentive enough to respond. "I'm sure." He gave her a dispute stare.

Sansa gave me a forewarn glare before grabbing the mask over the metal table and hooked the band's end against Levi's ears. "I'll trust Eren with you then, Mr. Ackerman. I can't go inside - I can't even stand the sight." Levi's expression abruptly changed from calm to confused by just looking at his furrowed eyebrows and enlarged pupils. That's when I felt a sudden urgency cross upon myself. I caustiosly wrapped my fingers against Sansa's wrist, slowly pulling her away from Levi. She's not helping any further - She's making it worse. We can't stop Levi from seeing Hanji, and we aren't in the place to stop him anyway, so daunting Levi over the sight of his friend isn't a good idea- specially with Levi's sensitive condition. At first I was against it, but then I realized this : If I were Levi and I got into an accident with Armin, I will never let myself chained inside a fucking room without seeing how my friend is doing whilst inside a cold ass hospital room. I can't just imagine how Levi feels being helpless with his current fettle.

"I'm sure Hanji wanted to see Levi too, doesn't she?" I gave Sansa twisted smile, followed by an almost unuttered word. "Don't." The ginger girl nodded nervously, though her eyes are still fierce in warning.

I was so occupied about Levi's current feeling that I almost taken a back when the presence of Hanji's room door came in sight. I tigthen my grip against the wheelchair's handle - anxiety , ansty and uneasiness mixing spontaneously inside the back of my head. How can Levi handle this kind of torture? Or can he even handle it? I'm sick of the wasted tears spilling out of his eyes whenever he breaks down and the tremendous fear his expression makes. It's much more difficult in my part, honestly.

"I'll leave you here. Just pressed the red button on top of Doctor Hanji's bed if some emergency occur. Fifteen minutes is the maximum, I'll be back after that." I gave Sansa a weak nod before she's gone in sight. I leaned down on Levi's side to muttered some encouraging words before we head inside. "You better be strong. Hanji won't be please if you cry again." Levi reached for my hand, squeezing it gently as he spoke. "Just don't leave my side." And I felt an acid rise from the inside of my stomach. This was the first time Levi let out some hint that he needs me - that my presence is noticable even though I can't be help sometimes. I felt a sudden bliss, though it's not the right moment to. 

"Yeah, I'm always here." I said before streaching my arm to yank the door open. The chilly scent of alcohol and strong chemicals welcomed us in. There's nothing to hear but the beeping sound of Hanji's heartbeat from some machine and the oxygen running in and out of her lungs. I can't even stand the sight. Sansa's words echoed inside my head, realizing that she's not even exaggerating about it - every step I take is awful than the last. Hanji's body connected against countless tubes, her right hand starting to bruise because of too much needles her skin is taking - pale and lifeless she almost seemed. What have I done? I asked for myself hundreds of times each day. How sickening I was? What did just got into my nerves to do such horrid action? 

"Hanji." Levi extended his arms to reach for Hanji like a child longing for her long lost mother. But I couldn't move anymore because of too much guilt and fear. "Eren, I need to get closer." Levi uttered urgently, though the words are just ringing against my ear - and it seems that I couldn't absorb anything as for the moment. 

"EREN!" The handle slipped out of my reach as I watch Levi doing his best to push his wheelchair by himself. My body was unresponsive - all numb, and my mind is in a utter chaos. Who said to be strong? Who said that he'll always be by Levi's side? Yes, just this guilty kid who can't even lift his feet to take another step. 

"Wake up soon, 'kay? I'll be waiting. I won't pushed you away ever again, just wake up to this nightmare." Levi lifted Hanji's bony hand to pressed against his cheek, tears streaming down his face again. I said don't cry. Why are you crying? Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

"Levi." I tried to stop him from the distance, but I couldn't.

It was so sudden. The beeping of the machines became faster, louder that it almost broke my eardrums. Levi was screaming- I could read his lips moving faster than the usual, though I couldn't hear- not even a word, just the continous beeping - faster and louder compared to the last. Then a couple of white clothed people came rushing towards Hanji. Levi panicking - his hands shaking as he watch the doctors injecting some shits over Hanji's body. Then Sansa appeared infront of me, her fingers digging in against my shoulders, though I couldn't feel a thing. Her mouth moving in such urgency, pushing and pulling me back and forth, an attempt of bringing the senses back to me.

"EREN!" The distant sound seemed to moved closer. "MR. ACKERMAN. YOU NEED TO GET HIM OUT OF HERE." The name made me snapped out of the daydream. I swiftly sprint towards Levi- grabbing the handle tigthly before escaping ourselves from the dreadful commotion. I ran until the beeping sound was gone within an earshot - until my chest lossen from the intense emotions gripping into me. 

"No! Let's go back Eren!" Levi screamed loudly that every eyes in the hallway draw towards us. I turned his chair around before dropping my knees against the cold tiled floor, sliding off the mask and head cup over the ground. "We can't help. Let's go." 

"I can't! Hanji needs me there!" He's breathing abnormally, hands shivering as he jolt my shoulders back and forth like Sansa did back in the ICU room. 

"Levi, listen." I cupped both his cheeks, brushing the waterfall of tears coming out of his eyes. He's crying again. I can't even remember a day when his tears failed to came across his lashes.  "Did you think we can help her? How? We can help her by just letting those who can."

"But-" a hiccup escape from his throat while sobbing violently.

"But - No. You need to rest as well." Levi frowned, as if what I did was unforgivable and wrong. "Let's go." 

"Let go Eren! Shut it, leave me alone!" Levi cried until we reached the car. He's struggling out against my touch as I carry him over the passenger seat. "Don't fucking touch me now."

The car ride was horribly silent until we reached our room. Levi was noticeably angry - so angry that he almost dropped himself off the bed just to avoid any intimate contact towards me. It pains me to know that he hates me for some actions I percieve, though everything I just did was utterly for his own sake.

"Sansa messaged me. Hanji's stable now." He glared at me like he wanted to stab me with a dagger, and it pains me a bit -maybe it hurts than the actual daggers. It was just Levi's daggers of stubborness, anyway. "You knew we can't be any help. You knew I am right to do that." I said, sliding off my pants to leave just a pair of boxers hanging against my waist. This day isn't half done yet but it almost drained every energy in my body just like that. Too much drama in just a day. How long should I deal with this kind of scenarios? Levi's crying, guilt crawling up unto me, stubborness of me and Levi clashing like figthing craws. Everything is messed up. But I like how it messes me up. I like how I grew into a much better person with the person I like to be with. I like how everything breaks down, I like this awful situation - I like it as long as Levi is here to deal with. Fuck. Am I totally inlove to think such sloppy things?

"What if she died? She died without me by her side? Aren't you thinking of that, huh, Eren?" Levi rises a tone, a tone he never let out normally. This was the first time I saw him percieving this kind of emotion - inflamed by the sudden twisting of events.

"What if your panic attack got severe? What will I do then? Hanji dying and you - the most important person to me. I can't take the risk Levi." Am I being selfish? But I'm just protecting what's significant to me. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to put him first? It's not, does it? 

"You gotta be fucking kidding me now." Levi was startled for a moment, his eyebrows furrowed in such awry lining. His eyes flamed in fierce hatred, directing to me. "I don't need your exaggerated guard anymore. I'm suffocating, can't you see? You're just a kid being too sentimental. It's just an infatuation, kid. Get over it." At first it wasn't too clear- I was considering that the outrage took over his mind and he never really meant what he just said. I tried my best to be considerate - with his psycholigical unstableness, dying friend and an annoying kid chaining him, he has the right to burst - to let out every burden stucked against his chest. But I'm a human too, with emotions and burdens of my own. I loved and wanted to be loved. I wounded countless hearts in the past, but I was hurted too, once. He has the right to outburst, but he forgotten that I have the right to distress. It was the first time in my life that I had been rejected directly - even my parents never told me that I was unwanted. And coming from the mouth I tasted as the sweetest, it was almost as if a bullet got stucked through my chest. I tried, God knows I tried to understand, that he didn't really wanted to hurt me, or to even say those words. But I'm just a hormonal teenager who infatuates over a twenty six year old man, am I?

"Oh." I let out a chuckle, though my throat broke into a horrible lament. Levi face softens, bitting his lip nervously as he watch me put my pants on again. "I'll just go get something. Just call me if you need something." 

I was to sprint out of Levi's sight when he called out my name, bittersweet tingles against my skin "Eren."And I turned my heels to met his eyes, forcing myself not to breakdown. Not here, not infront of him. "I'm - I'm really sorry."

"Nothing to worry about. Take a rest." And I end up breaking into bits and pieces inside the fucking elevator. I was somewhat thankful that it's monday - means everyone is in their own classes and businesses. No one can see me in this state but me, within this cold ass space. The cafeteria was desolated when the elevator slides open. All I wanted to do for the rest of the day is to cry, to call Armin and cry. I've been carrying a few gallons of tears behind this eyes for the past ten years, and maybe this is the breaking point of it. 

I was in my car when I tried to reach Armin, and I'm so fucking thankful when he pick it up. "Armin." I cried.

"Oi Eren, what the hell is going on?!"

"I'm crying to you, can't you hear?" I chuckled like a stupid brat I am. 

"I've been waiting. Congratulations, man." Armin laughed, though there's still an ache coming from his throat.

"It feels good." I chortled, thinking of how stupid I am to cry over such foolish thing. Levi said sorry already, and that means he never really meant it. I should stop worrying by now. But you know what they said - anger let people say their honest thoughts.

"Yeah. I told you, hundreds of times."

"I should cry more often, don't you think?" I was expecting him to laugh on how corny his bestfriend can be. I thought he will never take me seriously, that he'll take it as a joke. But Armin is smart enough to sense me even in this distance. "Just when you really needed it." He mumbled over the phone. "And I know you needed it now more than anything. I'm here, cry your heart out until you can't breath."

And I did, hoping that my heartbeat would stop any moment.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES I KNOW. I suck at updating, and you probably know why. I need some help *cough*.Anyways, remember when I said that I will never make a Levi POV again? Haha here's Levi :

LEVI

The sound of downpour woke me up that morning. The heavy droplets crashing against the window, making a frigthful sound. I glanced up to the clear glass to see the greish tint of sky and the lightning lining up against the clouds. It was cold, and the absence of someone made it worse. I snugged the mattress up against my nose as I shift my stare at the opposite side of the room to see nothing but the tousled bedding where Eren layed not an hour ago. Three consecutive days of waking up without his caring touch and warm words. It was never my intention to send us into this uncontrolable chaos. Uneasiness took over my whole conscious that time - with Hanji's condition and such- that I unintentionally  blunted such adverse words towards the kid. He said I should not worry about it, but his expression never intended to say so. He might not show it by words - but his eyes are enough to see how painful my words are to him. It pains me too, honestly. Eren is kind enough, maybe a bit of possessive - but the kid has nothing to own. He's living an opulent life , but I could see the yearning his eyes sparks whenever he looks at me. He demands something more than a brand new car and expensive stuff - something I had failed to offer him.

I wanted to apologize so badly. I wanted to tell him that he never deserve that kind of awful treatment. I wanted to get rid of every single thing that sends him into cruel oppress. But there's something within me that obstructing my will to do so. Dubiety- the hesitation I percieved for the protection of my own self. They say pain makes you stronger- that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. It may apply to others, but for a man who kept on losing everything he hold unto, everything he held importance of - those words are nothing but ridiculous inspiration that people hail to make them feel better about themselves. For me pain is a lesson that teaches me not to take the same risk all over again. But how so? Even though I kept on escaping those risk, I'm still ending up destroyed and pained by the circumstances. Maybe I was born to survive, not to live. After all, even how different our path routes are, our story will all be finished into same end.

A sudden knock brought me back into my senses, and so I realized that I was crying again. I swiftly brushed the teardrops against my cheek before yelling. "Come in." Then the familiar creak echoed around the room, a girl pushing in the door with her shoulder with of the tray laying against her tiny arms.

"Oh Levi! How are you feeling?" Petra beamed her prevailing smile as she took tiny steps towards my bed. I wonder how can she find happiness within this cold and dark room of mine. I wonder why people with the same skin and body can be so diverse from the inside. Why can't I be like them? I'm yearning to grasp the intangable feeling that might release me from this hideous curse.

"I'm good." I gave her the usual frown whenever she asked that kind of query. I never felt good, specially now that I'm dealing with some complicated fight with Eren. I shouldn't care too much, nor to cry about it. But it seems that the kid had took some place in my centimental conscious. Something crawling up my chest whenever his absence taking place - it's like I'm craving. I wanted something yet I still couldn't comprehend on what it is. It's impossible to grasp the air with your bare hands even how much you wanted to.

"It doesn't look like it." Petra sitted at the edge of my bed before handing the breakfast tray against my numb lap. "Eren asked me to bring this to you before he rushed to school. And also, prepare your bath, as he asked me to yesterday." I sighed at the generosity of our landlord. It's been three days since she started taking over Eren's role. I mean, I'm not Eren's responsibility or anything.. I'm just expecting to - God dammit. I need him. I can't deny it any longer - even the strongest doubt in my guts can't deny it. I need him - but why? Because I can't handle myself? Or because he meant something more than a roomate? He's fucking my mind up.

"You don't have to, Petra. I'm bothering you enough." I don't really have the appetite, but rejecting kindness from a nice person is never my forte. I forcely chewed the blueberry muffin inside my mouth, realizing that everything that falls over my tounge taste disgusting since the quarrel I had with Eren started. It's crazy how your body reacts to your own depression.

"Nah, don't say that. All the boys staying in my dormitory are my babies. You all are family to me." Petra pinches my nose and I wrinkled my face as a response. A sudden thought crossed my mind for a moment : there's people around me who cares enough, I'm just too blind to see it - Or maybe I choose to be. Petra isn't a close friend, yet she offers her time and effort to take care of a man who she barely talked to. Maybe this world isn't that cruel. Maybe we're the one who chooses what kind of posibility we live for. And I choose mine, and living it for a long time - now I couldn't rechoose. I'm stucked with the choice of grief taking over me. "I don't want to break your privacy okay? But you and Eren - are you still under going a love quarell?" My eyes widen as I choked into the vegetable salad that goes with the blueberry muffins. Petra tap my back a bit as I cough to regain the natural intake of oxygen my throat used to.

"Love -" I coughed. "We aren't lovers" Petra's eyebrows met as she stare at me in confusion.

"Is that so? Hmm?" She tapped her index finger against her cheek a couple of times like she's trying to remember something important. "Eren seemed really upset, though." Eren was upset because of me, because of my fatuous remark. It's not how I felt, honestly. It's just my excuse -to take the blame towards him so that I'll feel better for myself - selfish indeed. But I'm regretting it, I swear I'm regretting it deep down my core.

"Petra, can I ask you a favor? It'll be the last I promise." I cautiosly placed the fork beside the plate, setting aside Petra's remark about Eren. I can't open up this kind of sensitive subject. My emotion unstableness weakens my subjectivity over future presentiment. I hate myself. I hate how weak I am.

"Yeah of course." 

"Can you bring me to Hanji?" What am I thinking? I'm repeating the actions that send me and Eren into this treacharous quarell. But Hanji - I need her now, specially now. She knows me more than myself - and the unwanted emotions blooming in me can't be explained by no one but her. It's foolish to think, because she can't even say a word with her current condition. But her presence is enough for me - Hanji is my home, and I can be myself whenever I'm beside her. Sometimes words aren't the best medium to settle a tangled disposition. I just need to hold her hand, cold and pale against prickly needles. 

"Are you sure? You looked stressed." Petra's sweet smile turned upside down. I have a talent of pulling people down, don't I?

"Yeah. I'm sorry. If you can't then it's okay." My tone's contradicting the thought of my statement. It's not okay if she said no. I'll be disappointed if she do. I can't stay here at this room for another day messing my mind up about things I should've done and I shouldn't done. I'm sick of being helpless, for I cannot even stand by myself without helding into others.

"No, that's not what I mean. I'll ask Marco for some assistance. Finish your food while I prepare your bath."

I snuggled against the passenger seat, figthing off the uneasiness building up on my chest. I wonder how Eren is doing right at this very moment - If he's still hurting, if he's thinking of me, if he hates every guts I got. I'm scared of the countless possibilities. I'm scared of being left behind for another time around. I'm scared of the feelings that might scattered against the floor where I stood my feet. Eren's just a kid. What if he realized that I'm nothing to him? What if he changed his mind?- that he deserves something more than a depressed man who represses his own self. Maybe that's the reason why denial keeps on hindering the unwanted emotions. I can't hold unto someone who's capable of pulling me down. And I'm scared of the bittersweet feelings that might destroy every bits of me.

The heavy rain fall turned into drizzle droplets when Petra parked her car beside Shiganshina building. My palms started to sweat terribly as the freckled boy haul the passenger door to carry me out of the car. No one had ever touched me the way Eren do, and now there's this stranger I barely know who touches me like I'm a helpless child. I mean, there's no such malicious idea going on my head - nor I felt like I'm being taken advantage of. The sensation is just horribly uncomfortable. 

"Thank you so much for your help Marco." Marco steady my lowerback against the wheelchair before pulling himself away from me.

"Always, Ms. Ral." Marco smiled at Petra and down at me. "Hope you're doing well too, Mr. Ackerman." I just nod, thinking that the boy seem to be nicer than I expected. Marco took off with the car, and will be back with a message from Petra to pick us up. 

Petra motioned the wheelchair towards the hospital entrance as the familiar feeling of uneasiness and anxiousness kicking in my stomach. It was as if the crowd is discerning their attention towards me - a man who is nothing but a weak cripple. I took a deep inhale, calming myself down - reminding myself that there's no Eren who I can hold unto when I lose over panic. Even though there's Petra supporting me, I felt like I am alone in the middle of nowhere. I can't find myself - nor understand why I keep on finding out. 

"Are you okay, Levi?" I jolt in surprise when Petra leaned closer to send a whisper over my ear. 

"Ye-Yes. Just kind of nervous."

"If you change your mind just tell me. I don't wanna stress you out, okay?" I replied with silence. Petra took a deep, doubtful sign before pulling the chair in motion, sending us into the hospital counter where we found Sansa scribbling something against a thick pile of papers. The young lady seemed to be weary - and her talkativeness abruplty cutted out since the accident. I felt sorry for her, and for everyone who takes Hanji's comatose condition aily. It was as if everyone in her surroundings took her as their lose - and for that, I was kind of jelous. I wonder if someone will ever cry infront of my coffin while they're pushing the ropes down into the dusty soil where I truly belong. I wonder how it feels like to be the cause of their grief. I wanted to know if I truly matter - in this world and for the people around me. I guess I can't be bother, cause no one will probably grief my own death but me.

"Mr. Ackerman." Sansa dropped the pen aside with a forced smile. "It's been a while. How was you and Eren?" The name send a sudden throe upon my chest. How could I tell her that everything else between me and Eren are starting to shatter? Like every bones in me seem to break whenever the fault of my own action acquire a sudden guiltness. I wanted to scream until my throat bleeds. I wanted to scream how disgusted I am to myself and to anyone else who made me feel this way. I wanted to, yet I can't.

"He's at school. I just wanted to see Hanji." Petra signed, maybe because she knew the truth and she's dissappointed on how immature I was to deal with the conflict in this kind of way. I can't think of any better way to release the growing pain in me. I need to trash it out before it kills me. I need to see Hanji now.

"Sure." Sansa shrugged, though I could feel the doubt filling in her expression. "Follow me." 

The green lab gown starting to get uncomfortable as my sight started to concieve the familiar door of Hanji's isolation. I could hear my own sharp breath against my ear. The feeling of longing and dread mixing up inside my stomach like a chaotic hurricane. I need her, but what if it happen again? I can't doubt myself now, anyway. I'm here, and there's no going back. I know Hanji needs me just the way I need her.

"Press the red button for emergency. I'll be back after fifteen minutes." Sansa kneeled down infront of me, our eyes met in such an intimate distance. "You'll never visit if it's not important. Lucky for you that her family just took off a while ago, or else you won't be able to see her. They are over protective. Levi-" She caressed my cheek using her cold thumb before continuing. "This will be the last, I'm sorry." My eyes almost blow out off my skull, if that's even possible. The building ache in my chest felt worse. I gripped on her forearm, my fingers trembling against her soft skin.

"Why?" I asked, with such broken tone. Why? I know in the first place that they are against this friendship, but they're going too far - not to let me see the only person who could understand my whole situation. Without Hanji, the half of my self will be gone. I will be nothing.

"They will send her to the States. I'm really really sorry Mr. Ackerman." And the girl started to pour down the same tears as mine. I could feel her pain, and it kinds felt good - to know that you're not alone with this torment of life. 

"But it's for the better." Petra pressed a gentle pressure against my trembling shoulders, as if trying to lift up the burden of the world lying against it. Comfort - how could it help? It will never change anything, not a single thing.  I still couldn't understand the essence of comfort - it's a sign of pity. It reminds me of being helpless, of not having the capability of doing something against my own problem. I hate being pitied at. I hate comfort. I hate sympthaty. But my chest can't take any more punishment of this life. What did I do wrong for me to deserve this kind of torment? I found Petra's hand - and for the first time, I admitted that I am too weak for the cruelty of life. That I can't be alone - and I can't help myself to lift from the pit where I'm currently stucked. "Her family can take good care of her if she move. You'll just have to wait, Levi." I gave her a weak nod as I loosen my grip against Sansa. Maybe she's right. But how can you tell that something is right if it'll send you into a painful torture? What is right, anyway? Who decides on what is right and what is wrong? 

"I'll be off, Mr. Ackerman." I watched until Sansa was out of my sight, thinking that I'm not the only one scattering like a broken glass.

"Okay, now be strong. I'll be waiting here. Take your time, say everything you wanted to say."

It never changed. The tubes connected between her lifeless body and machines that keeps her breathing are still making an awful ring. Needles pressed against the nerves of her skin and the scent of alcohol that could almost choke me by the throat. Her once lively aura suddenly turned into wicked body. But Hanji is still Hanji. She's here, infront of me. I cautiosly carress the lining of the veins hiding against her skin before wrapping my fingers between hers. She was cold, as if every warmth in her skin had been taken away by a windy air. 

"I'm confused, and now you're leaving. How fortunate is that?" I let out a chuckle, though my tears are continously spilling out of my eyelids. She could hear me. Even though she can't speak, I know for myself that she's listening - and that's enough for me.

"I know it's foolish. It's just a little fight, but I hit him right on the spot. Fuck, you should see how twisted his expression is. What should I do, Hanji Zoe?" I gently squeezed her knuckles and brushed my lips against it. This will be the last for now, but this will never be the end. We'll meet again. If it takes months or years, it doesn't matter. What matter now is that she can live without this shit load of machines attached against her body. 

"You said I should trust him. Maybe I'll take that option. But how? He hates me." The sound of her heartbeat through the machine is the only thing I could hold unto. Her heart is talking to me - that's all I should think of right now.

"I need a little break. I'm sorry, Hanji. I know you'll be shitting on me for what I am thinking now. Good bye." I slowly slide off the skin to skin touch of our hands. I stared at her for like forever, and waited until someone break the silence of this deafening room. I need to let go. Well, I didn't have any choice either way. I just have to deal with the lose - like I always do. I'm so used of losing people that I just wanted to lose myself instead. My head was still afloat until we reached the ground floor of the hospital. Petra never said a thing, nor Sansa. They let me gaze at nothingness for the entire time. My head was blank. Everything is soundless and moving in slow motion. As if I'm just a fly roaming around an airy room with no one catching me behind. I just wanted to be alone. All alone. Without Sansa or Petra or even Eren. I just wanted to be just me, to decided if I should continue or just end up everything.

"Petra, can you buy me some orange juice?" 

Eren

I'm sitting at the far left side of the room, like I always do. My attention is directing towards the white board, though my consious is focused on the person who's probably hating on me. If he thought that it was just an infatuation, that everything I have for him will be gone - then he's fucking wrong. I will never fly all the way from Germany, leave my bestfriend behind and live in a cheap dormitory if I wasn't serious about him. I admit- that falling inlove with him was never my plan on the first place. But I did, and I'm falling even harder. So he doesn't have the right to shit on me and say I'm just a kid who infatuates over a person with the same gender.  

But even how much troubluesome Levi is, I just can't find in myself to hate him. He's going through horrendous state that was caused by no one but me. It was all my fault, and yet I have the guts to leave him all by himself just to stood up my feet against this awful ego. I'm such a terrible person. And now I wonder if I even deserve him.

I almost stumbled off my seat when my phone abruptly vibrate against my uniform  pocket. I raised my hand to call the teachers attention before sprinting out of the room. 

Petra calling....

"Hey, I'm in class. What's the matter?" Why would she call? She's probably in the dormitory with Levi, or that's how I imagine them to be. It's been three days since the last time I saw Levi awake. I kept on taking off early in the morning and going home late just to avoid him for once. I know it's horrible to do such immature thing, but I can't face him just for now. I'm hurt and I should at least give myself a break after crying for hours with Armin on the other side of the line.

"I'm sorry, Eren." Petra uttered, every words sending chills into my spine. Something went wrong. And if this involved Levi, then I'm not going to forgive my shit self. "I lost him. I -- I'm sorry. Can you come here? I don't know what to do." Lost him? How? My heart came pounding against my chest. Why he keeps on giving me a heart attack? But I should calm my panicking self down. It won't be helpful - or it might be worsen. "Where are you?"

"Shiganshina." I gripped on the phone tigther, and the memories of the last incident flashed in an instant. All that could my mind concieve is : Why? He knew how much I regret taking him in that place. I just wanted to protect him. But why these people keep on putting themselves up on fire? How can you protect someone who's making the harm all to themselves? I'm sick of it. I'm tired of seeing Levi hating on himself and hurting himself just because he is the way he is. I know how much he doubt living, and why people around him consistently vanishing right infront of his eyes. If I could just take that burden out of his chest, I would. But it seems that an eigtheen year old kid can't do anything with the years of torment he had gone through.

I left the school without someone noticing. The hospital is just a ten minute ride from my school, so I came in no time. Petra was standing into the building's facade when I parked my car beside the building. Her eyebrows furrowed when she ran up to me as I open the door to release myself out of the seat.

"What happened?" I yanked the door behind me, my fist clenched in tight grip. 

"He said he wanted to visit Hanji. And after that he asked me to buy something and while I'm gone, he took off." I could see the incoming tears that might fall any second against Petra's eyes. This isn't her fault. I put her into a situation that I'm too craven to deal with, so I should be the one to settle everything. I signed, ruffling Petra's red hair gently, though my fingers are shivering from anxiety.

"Don't worry. We'll find him." 

But I'm not quite sure if we can. It's been a while since we stared tracking  Levi, and we still couldn't find even a single trace. I tried to call him hundreds of times, but he never pick up any of my attempts. I'm starting to get anxious. I wanted to just scream his name as far as it can go. But I'm with Petra in the passenger seat. She's panicking enough, and I can't show her that I'm pretty much doubting if we could really find Levi in this state. London is a massive place, and dangerous often times. I can't imagine myself dealing with Levi's permanent absence. Three days are enough to torture myself, and I'm sure as hell that I will never let him go again if I find him now.

"You should come back to the dormitory, Petra." I uttured, my attention still focused on the road. She looked troubled and tired - she maybe thinking that this is her fault. And as  a friend of her, I can't rest the burden of losing Levi against her shoulders. 

"But-"

"Someone should check if Levi's already home. Message me if he's there." Petra insisted that she will just take a cab back to the dormitory and I should just continue finding Levi. She messaged me after a while that Levi wasn't there, so then I started to panic my pants up. 

"Shit. Levi come on, where are you?" 

The nightfall had shown as a heavy rain started to fall off the sky. My gas was almost out, yet I couldn't bring myself in any gas station. My knees going weak as time escape from my senses. What should I do now? Where is he? God help me. I know for the fact that I'm a horrible, awful person, but for now - please just let me find the person who's the reason of my everything. Every second seem to be sinking under my foot, and I'm sinking in with it. I might as well be gone.

"Where the hell are you?" Right after I uttered those words, a familiar features drawn from the side of the road - dripping wet against the chair he's pulling off by himself. My chest lossen, as if a knife had fallen off against it. I halt the car and shoved the door without thinking a second thought - without considering the heavy drops of rain pouring in me. I ran after him, with his pale skin and placid eyes - as if he carries all the burdens of the world. I kneeled infront of him, squeezing his hands to make sure that the person right infront of he is real and not a product of a daydream.

"Where have you been? I'm worried sick." I tried to be more gentle, because he looks like as if he's going to scattered if I uttur even a single word. He's too fragile, not just now, but this whole time around. I'm too stupid to notice - I'm too selfish. I've been focusing on my own feelings that I almost forgot that he has too.

"You shouldn't look for me." He mumbled, eyes darted on the ground. "You should have let me be gone." My throat tigthens, my knees trembling with the hopelessness of his words. 

"But I found you, now let's go. You'll catch a cold." He never say a word, nor go against my will. I carry him through the passenger seat as the water from the rain came pouring down against the floor of my car. I folded his wheelchair to stucked up at the car's rear before driving off. The sound of the falling rain is the only thing that commits us both. Levi's fingers were shivering as he stare at the water droplets sliding off his hair. 

"You hate me, right?" I never expected that he will speak in this weary atmosphere. Mostly, Levi is silent, using his other senses instead of his capability of speech. Something was strong enough to pushed him to talk to me in this awkward situation. This isn't normal, and I'm kind of worried.

"I will never hate you." I mumbled. How can you hate someone you love? Maybe angry, or I was angry. But hate? I can't just hate him even I wanted to. 

"You don't have to lie, Eren. You could just leave after what I said. I'm such an inconsiderate piece of shit."

"The fact that you thought of this things makes you a considerate person. You regret it, don't you?" Levi just nod, though his eyes were still tucked against the shivering fingers of his. My ears went clapping, and everything that he just said before seemed to dissolved into null. He felt sorry for it, even though he never say it by exact words - he's thinking of me just the same as I think of him. 

Petra was relieved when she saw us infront of the building with our soaked clothes and Levi laying over my arms. She didn't bother asking and she let us make our personal space by opening our room with her own key. The warmth of our room embraced us after Petra locked the door behind. I stayed stiff in my place for a moment before I felt the exhaustion taking over my body. Every muscle in felt sored - both my temples pulsing in such painful way. Levi tucked my uniform coat, and I came back into my senses.

"We need to change." He uttered.

"Yeah, we should take a bath." I motion my feet towards the bathroom, brushing off my shoes before setting a foot over the immaculate tiles. I carefully set Levi against the bathroom counter before sliding his shirt off, giving me the full access of his bare chest. Levi went blushing when I started to pull the band of his sweatpants, peeling it up until there's nothing left of him but his boxers and his swathe thighs. "I'll remove this for a while." Levi just nod. "I mean, your underwear and this." I pointed out his broken legs as his whole face went overly crimson.

"You're a pervent teenager." I chuckled at his remark before unwrapping the cloth lining enfolded against the hard part of the covering. Then I took off his boxers, and I can't help but to bite my lip at the naked sight infront of me. I started to strip off my clothes then, until nothing was left of me but the skin of my own body. Levi was silent with his tomato face as I carry him towards the bathtub, before setting myself behind him. His feet can't even touch the end of the tub, while I need to bend my knees up just to fit myself inside. I turned the faucet on to let ourselves soak with the warm running water. I let myself drown against the hem of his neck while enfolding my arms around his stomach. I love how tiny he is, I love how pale he is, I love everything about him. I felt so lucky to be this close with Levi, and have the opportunity to touch him like no one else does. I never felt so complete until now. Like everything is falling into place - though I know from the back of my mind that it's just a temporary settleness.

"If you think that what I have for you is just an infatuation shit, then you're mistaken." I felt Levi's shoulders lossen and his breathing came low as I snugged him closer against my chest. "I love you. I don't know why or how, but I love you." I was startled for a moment when I felt Levi's fingers wrapping around my own. My heart rate abruptly raised and  I could feel my whole face heating up like a kettle over a stove. It was the first time ever in my life that someone had make me feel this way. My insides scrumbbling horribly that I might throw up any second. It feels foreign, yet it feels good at the same time. 

"Is that so?" He turned his head to met my eyes, and for a moment, I thought his eye color changed into blue from it's usual shade of grey. His face was relaxed as he caress my cheek using his thumb, and slowly, carefully, his lips met mine with such a gentle touch. He doesn't move, and so do I. It doesn't have to involve tounges and movements - Levi kissed me for the first time, and that's the only thing that matter. "I'm relieved. You don't have any idea. I think I'm on my way of loving you, too." 

"So does this mean that you're my boyfriend now?" Levi rolled his eyes at me. "Come on, Levi. Say - I'm your boyfriend."

"Brats have to get what they want aren't they?" 

Hey, Armin. That tears wasn't a waste anyway. It was worth it.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started working from 12mn to 6am and probably, classes right after so I'm worn out 99 percent of the time. (Reasons why I update slower than the usual). For this chapter : i had noticed that I've been seriously relating everything with despression and it seem that it became a whole drama wreck so I'll try to make them happy yey!*i'll try*

The sunlight luminate my eyes as soon as I open them from a deep slumber. I sniffed to inhale the familiar scent of cigarette and mint from the person I wanted to wake up to every single day for the rest of my life. Levi snugging his tiny self against my own, his short thighs tucked over my side as the firm swathe of his broken legs made my skin sore - though I wouldn't mind at all. I glanced down at his unconscious face, and I can't help but to smile like an idiot I am. He's with me. In this room, within this bed which is much tinier than a rat's cage. But damn, why it seem that nothing matters at all when you're with someone you love? Like everything is right when the truth is like a rotten hell.

I brushed a few strands of his hair before pressing a gentle kiss against it - thinking of how long should I pretend like nothing was wrong. Levi's eyebrow furrowed at the sudden contact as his eyelids sluggishly revealed the grey shade of his iris. He glanced up to me lazily, like he's going to fall into the verge of sleep once again.

"Good morning." I peaked a kiss against his lips, like I always do every single day. I appointed myself to wake up earlier than him so I could mesmerize the beauty of this sleeping face - his long lashes that stands out against the porcelain skin. Chapped, yet lusious thin lips that will always be mine.

"I told you not to do that. Your breath stinks in the morning." He surprisingly prevails his stubborness even with our current status. Levi still remains his cold self towards me every now and then, though sometimes, I'm having the guts that I can actually hit him on the spot. I can't blame him though- it takes time to fully attached himself over me. The fear of being left alone is still beating on his running blood - but I swear to my soul that I will never leave him, though I'm not quite if he'll do the same if he ascertain who I was before I fell inlove with him.

"Sure." I said before stealing another kiss. Levi gently pushed me by the chest, his cheeks turning into light shade of red. I like how he rejects me by actions- though his own body neglects himself. He looks so cute and adorable with blushing cheeks. I wrapped my arms around his waist, pulling him closer against my body until no valid space could tear us apart.

"Jaeger!" Levi pushed my face away with his cold,yet delicate fingers.

"Come on, you're so cruel."

"Bath. Room. Now." I signed before stretching myself out of the pad. I can never win against his command - it's just because I'm too fascinated of how cute he is. At first I was a bit disappointed about his cold approach towards me, but then I realized - I'm lucky enough to cut those strings of distance running in between him and me. It'll be impossible for others to even touch him by the hand, and yet I can linger my fingerprints to anywhere his skin goes.

"Fine. Come on. You'll be late for your therapy" Levi sluggishly heft himself to sit straight up the bed before rolling his eyes to me. "That's what I'm trying to say." 

"Oh really? You're just babbling about how my breath stinks. That's rude you know." I pressed my lips shut, sliding my arms under his knees and lower back so that I can lift his tiny body with support. I steady Levi closer to my chest before stepping in the bathroom and set him on the counter.

Levi glance up to me with dismay once my fingertips reached the hem of his shirt. My eyebrows met in confusion - and I noticed that his fingers were trembling again. 

"Hey Levi." I leaned to mumbled against his ear - never making any skin to skin contact. He's being fragile at the moment - like he always is. It happens so frequently that I started to build a personal strategy for me to deal with his panic attacks. He hates to be touched and he hates to be asked, so all I can do is to whisper his name into thin air and to hope to nothing that he's listening to my reaching voice.

"It's okay Levi. I'm here. Follow my breathing." His eyes darted against his hanging feet while following my deep breaths - which is a good sign. It took us a couple of minutes before Levi came back to his senses. I waited until he decided to move a mouth. I can't force him to speak up for my own intention. He should open up himself without any of my provoketion. 

"You're mad aren't you?" Levi abruptly speak out. Every words entangled against my head like a thousand jumbled letters. Why would I be mad and to whom in particular? Did I said something - oh. Eren, you stupid bastard. Dammit, I need to control my sharp damn tongue. Even though how much I try to act gentle, there's always a time when I'm unknowingly pushing Levi into panic. Every. Damn. Time.

"Mad? I'm not mad." I gently draw circular touches against his knuckles for an attempt of calming his growing anxiety.

"It's just that - I mean, fuck. Forget it. It's nonsense." I signed, carefully pushing his chin to stare at his almost in tears eyes. 

"It's not nonsense at all. I'm sorry, I'm being too careless again." Levi stared back to me with his teary eyes - biting his lower lip to control the coming verge of full tears. "Are you alright now?" He nodded before wrapping his arms around my neck - which I never expected at all. He never shown me this kind of fondness before. And now the desperate intimacy that I'm denying to feel back when I was a damn delinquent is devouring me whole. I enfolded my arms around his lower back, my heart pounding like it's struggling to come out my chest to be a part of Levi.

"Aren't you tired of me yet?" Levi's voice broke and scattered like a thousand glass pieces that wound me more than himself. I wanted him to love and accept himself like I do, and yet instead, hate and doubt razing him down. 

"I will never get tired of you." Levi just snugged his face against my collarbone, and I could feel the running tears spilling out of his eyes again. "You should stop crying even just for a day, you know. How will you come back in teaching if you get to cry with a simplest remark?" He just nod, squeezing my neck and his forehead skin together. I signed, licking my chaffed lips before speaking up again. Levi sure is not fond of expressing himself - he keeps his emotion into his chest not until he can't take it anymore. 

"Come on, we'll be late if you keep clinging now." I pressed a kiss against his forehead before sliding off his garments - and I must admit, I will never get used to this kind of sight. Every lining of muscle drawn against his skin made my cheeks flutter. Every butterfly in my stomach turning into gorillas.

I let the warm water run against the bathtub before setting Levi against the porcelain surface. He maintains his gentle stare until I felt kind of uneasy - though I like how he focus his attention to me. It's just not normal for Levi to show this kind of warmth - I felt like somethings bad going to happen after this perfect moment. Though I'm still hoping that it wouldn't.

I sitted at the edge of the tub as I reach for the shampoo bottle when Levi tugged the hem of my sleeve -his cheeks flushing in embarassment. 

"Fine." I smirked to myself, sliding off my shirt and sweatpants before soaking myself behind Levi. I rest my chin against his shoulder, humming a familiar lullaby as I watch him poured the bath wash into the warm water. I felt at ease - and everything seem so bright whenever I'm with Levi. He held my hand under the pool of water, and at that point, I was urged to do a thing that I shouldn't yet think of. Every nerves in my veins cracking in the verge of burst. I've been waiting for some time, and I wouldn't mind at all if it'll take another cycle -but today, my body's rejecting the control over mind. I'm not mature enough - and I get to lose myself too easily. I gently bit the tip of his ear, and the sound he just made urge me to slide off my mouth against the bare skin of his neck. I tried to keep my breathing in pace as I put on a gentle pressure against Levi's porcelain skin - kissing him thoroughly with fading red marks on every space I found. My fingertips brushing inside the of his thighs under the blurred water until I reached the sensitive part of his body. Levi let out a moan as I rub his tip with my bare thumb - feeling it harden with every motion I made.

"E-Eren." Levi moaned, moving his hips against my growing cock. "I want you." Damn- that was erotic. How dare he giving me the access when he knew that I can't. We can't do it just right now. He's too weak to take it - I might not control myself and damage him. 

"You're still recovering." I said with panting breath.

"But." He turned his head up to me - his cheeks were aggresively flushed, chest rising up and down with every beat. I find him so seductive that I almost choked in my tounge when I crashed my mouth over his - tongue twisting and sucking like we're entangled as one. I continously stroke his throbbing cock while he moans under our hazardous kiss. It felt like I was kissing a rare dessert that will cost my life to pay off. Levi caress my chest down to my stomach until he reach the point of my excitement - he's struggling to reach my neck, but he suck so good that I almost lose my sanity. My hand unconsciously settled down against the floor when Levi started to pump me up under the gashing water. Damn, I want to enter him so badly.

"Does it feel good?" He whispered, licking the skin where he made a slight sting. "Hell yes." I responded - bringing my hands back in action. I gently lift Levi's ass from the porcelain stone, brushing his entrance before teasing it with my index finger. Levi turned his back again,arching and gripping his whole life against the bathtub's edge.

"Ahh.." He moaned as I put on a little pressure against his ring hole. My blood rushed in excitement as  his ass tigthens before my touch. How can he be so responsive? He's so sexy I might die any second. "Should I slide it in?" I mumbled under his ear, squeezing and streching his entrance so it'll get use to the sensation. Levi just nod - and I could just imagine how embarassed he is behind his tensed back. I slowly pushed my index finger in - and the warmth of his inside abruptly hugs me, like I'm setting myself on fire.

"E-Eren uughh." I smirked as I slide in and out my finger until his entrance spread wider for me to put another finger. "Fuck, you're so tight." 

I thrust faster and faster every second as my other hand work against his throbbing cock. His cheek resting against my chest as he gripped on my arm - his hips moving in such rhythm that makes me wanna fuck him even harder. But even before I could come myself, a sudden warm substance came out from Levi. His tensed muscle abruptly hushed like a worn out animal. So, I need to deal with myself after this huh?

"Are you alright?" I mumbled, steadying his weary body by pulling him inbetween my legs. "Yeah. My legs are just -"

"I'm sorry." I cursed to myself in the back of my mind. I should have waited until Levi's totally fine - but this hormonal teenager can't even control his urges even in this situation. I felt embarrass and desperate - but to be honest, I didn't regret anything - that's how selfish I am. "I shouldn't done that. You're still weak." Levi reached for my cheek and gave me a gentle tap. 

"Stupid. It feels good so shut up." A sudden heat crawled up to my cheeks. I burried my face against his shoulders, smiling to myself like a childish brat who got to hold a toy he had always wanted. "You didn't come yet though." Levi gripped against my sensitive part for the second time that made me moan, resting my back against the cold edge. The water is starting to nuetralize as the time goes, yet I couldn't bring myself back into reality. All I could concieve is Levi - everything about him, on how happy I am to be with him. 

"Uhmm.." I bit my lip to halt the spilling of embarrassing moans my mouth's giving up to the erotic sensation I'm feeling against my hard erection. Levi sucked on my chest a couple of times while pumping me tigther with his twinge movement. 

"I'm going to-" I said with heavy breaths. And another set of warm substance drizzled with the water on our tub. I felt a bit weary, like I just wanted to snug against the bed with Levi beside me. But the therapy - ugh, damn that therapy. 

Levi gave me a gentle peak of kiss before rolling his eyes unto me. "We should take a shower now. We're seriously late, Eren."

"It's your fault. You're just too damn sexy." I wrapped my arms behind his back, sniffing the smell of vanilla against his hair. My chest was so fulfilled and I just wanted to burst- probably with glitters and paint balls. I know to myself that I had deny God several times in my life - but heavens of all, I'm sincerely praying that every fault I'd done will begone into null. I can't face the gloomy, hideous life I had in the past anymore- the first taste of sweetness had changed me, and the bitterness might be worse if it gets into my senses again. There's no going back, I'm aware of that. So I was kind of frigthen. If there's God, or it exist truthfully - then I'm hailing him with all my might : Please, just let me be happy.

"Eren, shut up."

*

"Shall we take breakfast before your therapy?" I asked after stepping on the break before the red spot light. I turned to meet Levi's exhausted eyes - seemed that I over worked him a while ago. He gave me a weary glance, he seem drowning into deep thoughts. "What do you think, Levi?" 

Levi just bit his lower lip, eyes gazing at random directions like he's nervous of something. "Eren, hmm."

"Hey, what's bothering you?" I leaned to pressed a kiss against his cheek - feeling a hundred troubles hiding against his soft skin. He doesn't move a muscle- back resting against the passenger seat. "I can't read minds, Levi. I got no magic. It's better if you spill everything you had in mind." I waited for a couple of seconds and ended up unnoticed. I buckle up my seatbelt back before the green light flicker unto the warm breeze of London. Sometimes, his stubborness pisses me off. I can't help it- I'm just too inlove and worried.

"I was just thinking -" Levi abruptly uttered, and my anxiety suddenly fading out with the wind blowing in from the window. "I - no. I mean." I shook my head a bit with a smirk streching upon my lips.

"Come on, don't feel embarrassed. We already did it." I chuckled. Maybe a light conversation works better than a heavy one. I had noticed that every words coming out of our mouths are nothing but distressing reflection of our past. I never saw Levi laugh, nor smile that his eyes shrink in excitement. And I'm craving to witness that side of him, that emotion - expression of bliss. I wanted to be his reason, like he is to me. I wanted him to love every single part of his self like I do to him. I wanted to make him happy - to rise his soul up from the crestfall of his nightmares - yet it seems that I can't even reach his fingertips to pull him out of it.

"I'm just wondering. Uhm, what time will your class end today? I mean, Petra picks me up at twelve, and then I'll be home till you come. I - dammit." Levi covered his face with his both hands as I try to hide the laugh crawling up my stomach. How cute he is? How can he be this cute when he's just simply upset? I usually came back at the dormitory around five- and I know, he's waiting. If I could just stay at home without worrying about school stuff, then our lives will be better. 

"Levi." I couldn't help but to let out a chuckle. 

"I know you'll laugh, that's why I didn't want to say it. I just hate you now, Eren." 

"It's not funny at all. I know, I hate making you wait, too. But Levi, it's saturday." Levi slide off his hands and settle in against his lap - and I swear, from the side of my vision, I saw Levi smiled. My heart skip a bit, and everything became light. Maybe I can make him happy. Maybe I can save him from the bitter past he's drowning into. Just, maybe.

"God, I'm an adult man. Why am I acting like a teenager?"

"It doesn't matter. You should open up to me like this." I gave Levi a quick glance and he responded with a tiny smile. I wanted to see more of it - and hopefully, he's feeling the smile he's percieving from his heart. 

We took breakfast at the nearby restaurant just beside the hospital. I parked immedieatly beside the Shiganshina building before carrying out Levi through the passenger seat. I drive his wheelchair while giving off some encouraging words to him, like "It's been a month, and you can now move your legs." And he will respond with. "Yeah, but you keep on carrying me like I still can't." And we'll just laugh. Light conversations sure brigthens the mood. Levi smiles and laughs constantly - which can probably help with his healing progress. I must continue this kind of approach and forget the past - to start something new. Since I was a kid, I had caged myself into the depth of loneliness and dependence. I believed that there's nothing in this world that can or will ever save me from the pit I'm stucked into. I'm just another speck of dust into this reality, and my suffering was unseen by the world. And I thought then - I'm going to die soon enough, and making an effort to escape this labyrith will be as useless as life. No one will ever escape from this world alive. But that was before - before I fell in love with someone who I can call my own. The world is cruel - but cruelty is just an additional spice to the real meaning of life. Cruelty is a reverse feeling of bliss, and without cruelty, we wouldn't feel the bright side of life. How grateful I am now, that I tasted the darkest flavor of cruelty - because now that I finally found the real happiness, It was as if unreal. It's bursting and overwhelming. 

Sansa came running towards our direction right after seeing us from the opposite end of the hallway. The girl looks better than the last time - that time when Hanji was declared commatose. They sent her to the U.S. - that's all I know. Levi never really talked about it, and I thought it's better to leave it until time heal the wound by its own. Forcing it to heal will just cause much bleeding and pain - and the one who will suffer the most is him. No one but him. I wouldn't let that happen - specially if it's because of me.

"Good morning, Ms. Leonheart is already waiting at the therapy room." Sansa smiled - it took her some time before gaining her normal cheefulness. Hanji is way imporatant to her - and then I thought : How much more for Levi? He's maybe almost dying.

"Yes, thank you for accompanying us everytime we're here." 

The room has few metal poles connected at one end to another. Some were twisted, but majority are vertical poles parallel to each other. That's where Levi clutch his hands to support himself from falling off the floor. He's doing everything he can- even though I could utterly see how much he struggles. It's just a shame that I couldn't help him. I'll just sit my ass for the entire time against this business couch and watch him stumble and fall every now and then - though his therapist, Annie, was there to support him. She's stronger then she might look, and also, she knows how to deal with Levi's cryptic attitude.

"Yes, use the force from your legs first. The nerves lower than your ankles are still healing. It's better if you walk with support once in a while. At home, or walk at the park for a few minutes. But if you felt tired, then rest. Don't push too much pressure on yourself. We're almost there, anyway." Dr. Leonheart confirmed as she strech Levi's foot in circular motions. "We'll remove this swathe permanently. Everything will be easier now, specially for you, young man." Annie glanced up to me with a smirked on her face. People at this hospital sure are weird.

"Yeah, I've been a huge burden since." I know he was talking with the doctor, but I couldn't help but to interrupt into their conversation. 

"Stop thinking that you're a burden." I stood off my feet, crossing my arms around my chest as I watch the blonde girl removed the thick swathe covering Levi's lower legs. 

"Teenagers now adays." It wasn't hard to percieve what I am to Levi. It's pretty obvious - the way we talk and the intimate relationship we have. London is quite open to this kind of connection between two same genders - which I am thankful for. Annie, on the other hand, is fond of harassing Levi by teasing him with our age difference. She might look cold and placid -but she cares truly for her patients. And I like the growing friendship between him and Levi (me partially). I can't change the fact that Levi lose a precious person, but he can't close the doors for people who are willing to bring new hope to his life, isn't it?

"I'm twenty six." Levi caughed with his eyes averting from the two of us -s he might be embarassed and annoyed, but a little bit of me knows that he kind of like it when people acknowledge our not-so-official relationship. 

"What a surprise." Annie smirked, gathering the scrapes over the metal counter before trashing it out. "Alright, today's therapy is over." She uttered, scribbling something from her metal clipper. "Make sure to take your regular vitamins I prescribed and reduce unhealthy intake of foods. You're honestly doing good, Mr. Ackerman. Thanks for help too, Eren." I nod as a sign of gratitude. I pulled the wheelchair before Levi and lifted him to shift from the metal counter. 

"Thank you too, Dr. Leonheart, for everything." Annie nodded and I smiled before driving the wheelchair out of the therapy room.

Levi sure was exhausted- that's expected every after his therapy sessions. So I couldn't bring him to any park or local malls just yet - considering his freshly removed swathe that caused a major sensitivity against his lower legs. The ride back home was silent - and I saw Levi then, his eyes close with his head hanging just against the seatbelt. He's too small to fit perfectly at the strap. I smirked - and couldn't help myself to stole a kiss before turning off the engine of my car. I yanked the driver's door before stepping out to carry him and try my best not to wake him up. It was lunch time when we took the way over the cafeteria. Everyone was busy minding their own business that we passed everyone by like nothing had happen. Levi is too tiny to attract any attention, anyway. He was still sleeping safe and sound when we enter the elevator - and luckily, nothing was there for us to share with. It's not that I'm trying to deny that there's something between us - I just couldn't handle questions and disagreement that might sprout in a coversation. I'm weak in that matter, specially things that involved Levi.

The elevator rang once we reached our flat floor. The metal door slides open - slowly, and when the opposite side revealed itself, I had wished to God that the door slides back into it's original place not just a second ago. I clenched my fist against Levi's shirt - my teeth grinding in furious rage. Why do I have to encounter him when everything's doing perfectly fine? Regret driving in from my toe up to my chilling spine - every fault I did just to get Levi flashed in a second. I hated myself, more than anything.

"Jaeger, it's been a while. Are you purposely hiding your shit self to me?" Jean crossed his arms against his chest - his imfamous smirk never fades against his stubborn mouth.

"Jean." I took a step, wishing that I have the guts to leave my ego behind the closing metal door.

"Is that... Levi?" He leaned his face to scan every feature of Levi. My knees shaking in such a way that I wanted to kick his nuts just to get rid of him. Why now? Fuck. Why did I involved myself to this person? I'm utterly out of my mind then, wasn't I? Though I know, I'm partly in fault - but.

"What do you want?" I stepped a back, pressing Levi's helpless body closer to mine. Don't he dare touch him or I'll be a murderer in an instant.

"Oh, I don't need nothing, my friend. I just wanted to know how's the plan going." He shrugged and took another step. "So? Are we going to afflict him now?" Jean slide his index finger against Levi's soft skin that made him snug closer to mine. I jerked myself away from Jean, every nerves in my body cracking in anger. How dare he. How fucking dare he.

"Fuck off." I hissed. Jean backed away, antounished.

"So you used me for your own intention?" He smirked again. God I hate the way he smirk. It's like he can do something deadly that I cannot control with my own capability. "But what if... just what if, Levi found out what you did?" He made a crooked wave of hand like he's scarying a kid. But even how much I deny it, I couldn't help but to fear his forewarn. I don't know what to do. What if Levi found out? He'll curse every piece of me - and hate me for a lifetime. I cannot bare the idea of living alone - hence with Levi's hatred.

"How much?" I mumbled.

"Huh?" Jean raised an eyebrow, leaning his ears closer to me.

"I'll pay you. How much do you need just to shut that hell of a mouth?" I cannot contain myself anymore. Anger, dread and anxiety mixing up my chest that I could't think straight anymore - I never lose my sanity in this kind of situation until now.

"I don't need anything from you." Jean clenched his fist against the collar of my shirt, pulling me closer that our nose almost touch. I couldn't help but to fear the dark circles around his eyes. Sure, he can do the thing I'm fearing of. He's capable of doing it - he'll do whatever he wants. "What I need is Levi." He whispered at my ear and pulled my collar against his before pressing a kiss on my mouth. I was disgusted and I wanted to puke my stomach out until nothing was left of me. He shoved me forcefully that I crashed my back against the metal door of the elevator. Levi was left awaken - confused, until he laid an eye over Jean who's practically laughing to himself.

"Jean?" Levi uttered, glancing up to me. "What the hell are you doing here?" 

"Just asking how my friend is doing,?" Jean shrugged once again. My hands trembling in anger - blood rushing up to my face like I'm going to burst by just looking at his horse face.

"I don't care. Let's go Eren." I glared at Jean before bumping my own shoulder against him. I was out of myself that I almost passed the our door room. Levi helped by opening the door, and all I thought was he's mad, knowing that I befriend a guy who he had a one night stand. But Levi - he might not show that I'm precious to him, but I know, he loves me - not as much as I do to him, but he loves me, I could feel that.

"Eren." He glanced up to me after I rest him down the bed. "Stay away from Jean. He hates me, and I'm scared that he might harm you." Levi cupped my face, his mouth trembling in desparetion. My face softens before his touch - his words meant everything for me now. I'm happy, knowing that he cares- though reality pushing me into unwanted curse.

"I will. Now stop worrying and rest. I love you." I kissed his forehead -but he never said a thing.

Ah, that's kind of         -sad.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for another late update :/ It sucks, doesn't it? Though I'm kind of anxious about this chapter - i don't know, it just seemed...boring. But it's necessary because this'll serves as a plot twisting shit (No idea how should I call it). The song in the middle part is Latch by Sam Smith btw :)

Eren

It was probably raining outside again. I can percieve the downpour crashing against the roof even though the room I was in is almost intact with nothing but concrete. The aircondition isn't comfortable as it is - the tension swirling around the air prickles my skin like needles. The time seemed to slow down even, and every minute passed was a torture. I wished I was in Legion's Dormitory - with the gloomy tint of grey dusting every inch of our skin, the sound of downpour that serves as music, the warmth of Levi and his beating chest pressed close to mine. Everything reminds me of him. Like if I'm upset, I'll be murmuring to myself such sloppy things like "I wished I'm with Levi instead." And when I'm glad about something (which is a rare mood of mine) I'll be thinking of how it will be happier if Levi was by my side for that moment. Every move I make, every breath I take - is all nothing without him. I'm starting to act as if I'm a one, lethal virus. I just realized how futile I am with Levi's absence. I can't live nor control myself without a host of my own. I'm clinging unto him to be able to survive in this world I barely figured. But what I didn't realized earlier is that a virus' nature is to infect it's host. I'm his destruction - and will be the reason of his loathsome downfall. Soon enough, everything - lies, mistakes and faux touches will be unveil. I'm terrified, so scared that I just wanted to bang my head against a wall repeatedly until I can't recognize anything from my past. It's either I die and he lives or the reverse.

I jolted against the seat when the door abruptly creaked with the friction of hard wood and concrete. I divert my attention to where the sound's coming from to concieve the most influencial person in the ground where I stood my feet - Mr. Erwin Smith : the owner and the principal of this affluent high school, and also, my Uncle. His eyebrows were naturally furrowed that he seems to be furious all the time, though I wouldn't vary - because that's how a superior person should stood, isn't it?

"Good day to you, young man." His deep, husky voice echoed within the chilling room - his ocean blue eyes darted over me as his foot move inch by inch closer to where I sitted. I'm honestly unaware of as to who he is - though I have a negative impression of him coming from Mikasa : 'A blunt guy he is, and he knew exactly his will power over things.'

"Good day to you to, Mr. Smith." I followed him with an eye until he settled across the mahogany table to where a single seat was situated. My palms were sweating so badly that I almost thought it was actually wet - yet I couldn't bring myself to avert our eye contact. Pops once said to me and Armin, that the eyes are the only thing that could kill without an actual killing. You could percieve through the eye to where who is prey and to who is the predator - and I won't let myself be eaten by him, nor to leave a single scratch to my unseen soul.

"How are you?" He asked - staring at me as if he already knew every lies that might flow over my mouth. I hate this man - he's like pops in some extent, though this one has the capability of breaking me down.

"I'm good."

"So good that you barely attend your classes?" My eyes widen for a moment as a smirk spread down his face. Mikasa was right - this guy is blunt as shit. I pressed my lips locked as my eye voluntarily avert against the plaque standing over the table with the name : Erwin Smith // Principal carved in a silver metal. 

"I got some important things to deal with, Mr. Smith." I uttered - being too cautious with every word. I can't be stubborn infront of this man. He can do what he feels like to do, and everything of me might spill out of this empty room.

"You even cut classes so suddenly, why so?" He tilted his head slightly - fingers wrapped unto each other like vines of a tree. I hate how weak I am infront of him. I hate his power - the capability of him to control with my own fault. I wanted to escape now. Run. Drive myself back home and embrace Levi until every exhaustion of my body and soul dissolve utterly. I've been too anxious since that day - when Jean treathen me of what he could do. Then this shit adding up abruptly. I think I might fall down any minute.

"There are personal businesses involved here, Mr. Smith, if you don't mind?" I fidget against the seat - uneasiness swallowing me in an endless dark pit. The way his eyes flamed - I'm quite sure he'll never let me get away with this. I felt like I'm passing through a needle hole of my own. Dammit, I'm being pushed over the edge.

"Personal issues must not affect your education. If you aren't pleased enough to tell me, then I might just call your mother." I stood to my feet before knocking my knuckles against the table - the pain didn't jerk upon because of the anger crawling up to my head. People who uses my parents as an assault makes me sick - even Mikasa, and sometimes, even Armin.

"Pardon me, Uncle. But I can't deal with this now." I grind my teeth - stare sharp and hideous. I turned my heel for a leave, though my knees trembles in every step I take. My heart pounding, kind of regreting the prompt action without using this head of mine. I'm definetely dead, but I don't care less. I just need to get away from here. I need to think of how to deal with the scattering pieces of me. 

"You've grown too hastily, Eren. Unriped growth, though." I turned the knob with full force before escaping out and slammed it back to where it used to be. Fuck it. Fuck everything that tries of pulling me under their control. Fuck the unsettlement of my life. Fuck the karma crawling back to me. Fuck my feeling towards Levi. Fuck Jean and his weak blackmailing strategy. Fuck the walls separating me from where I wanted to be. I just wanted to release myself from this cage. I wanted to be just normal - like Armin, with a simple home and a grandfather who builds every piece of me to be a better person. I hate how I turned out to be. The people who supposed to give what I needed had failed several times. I've been left behind for years - and longing for something I can't handle for too long. I wanted everything to be mine. I hate how I became achingly egoistic. But now that I had found what I really needed, now that I am contented - that everything seem to turn into different pathways.

I drove into the busy road of London - with the downpour crashing to everything in sight. If Germany is a one bowl of freezing ice glaze, then I would describe London as one big ass city under a head shower. It's august, and the sun raise should at least kiss my drying skin - but no, the rain falls every single damn time. How's that? Everytime I'm hanging in the midst of discomfort - every single thing pisses me off. Like that teenage girl wearing a skirt, that slow car ahead of me, that flickering light post and that sign board that supposed to read as "WHOLESALE" but some necessary letters had been faded that I could read it as "HOLE ALE". Though everything I see seemed ikrsome and despicable, I have no choice but to move forward and annoy myself more with the unecessary judgements of mine. I decided to turn on the radio then - a mellow melody and a humming man's voice started to play. The tune and lyrics seem to passed through my ears down my chest. I'm never fond of dramatic stuff - specially overly sweet and romantic songs with catchy tune and repeatetive lyrics. But man, when the chemicals of your brain started to stir up together with such things - feelings spills out of it's own.

If there are boundaries, I will try to knock them down.

I was too captured by the song that I almost forgot that I'm in the middle of a traffic. It took me a while to realized that my cheeks were already moist with the tears from my eyes. My chest tigthens and my throat suddenly choked with a sob. My body can't take anymore of the shits going on, huh? 

"Really, Eren? You're crying again?" I mumbled to myself before stepping on the pedal of the car - the grey shade of sky seem to darken as the time pass. 

I luckily found a decent looking cafe within an isolated building in the heart of the city. I parked my car beside the curb before running under the drizzle of water drops. A bell dangle when I pushed the wooden door to welcome the aroma of coffee into my senses. There's no sign of the busy city inside. It felt like I came back to Germany - the silence and solemn atmosphere I had missed lingers on me like some familiar dejà vú. There is only an old couple sitting on the far left, enjoying their set of coffee and the memories of their past. I wonder then, if I will ever reach that age, or there'll be someone who'll be willing to hear some boring, repetitive story about my early life. I hope so, and hoping for the best that it'll be Levi. 

"Can I help you with something lad?" A man I barely recognized call me out - with an almost buzzcut hair style and a funny smirk going on his face. At first I was hesitant - my feet seem glued against the wooden floor, but then I smiled. I smiled with some fucking tears still running down my cheeks. How pathetic I can be? Showing how weak I am with some stranger who could probably kill me if he wished to. But then fuck it. I don't care anymore. I felt my feet reaching for the counter - staring at the coffee bags qeued beside the unknown man. 

"Cappuccino, and please add some more cinnamon." I said before hoping over the rusty seat. The man just nod before turning his back from the counter to prepare the order. It took him another couple of minutes before handing the cup of warm and nice coffee. It smells nice - sweet and luscious that reminds me of Levi's kiss somehow. "Thanks." 

"So, a teen hanging around an old café?" He settled against a high chair across mine, resting his chin against a close fist. I'm a kind of person who doesn't entertain such foolish questions - and coming from a complete stranger, it bothers me mostly. But the silence and the taste of home made coffee seem to diverse the running chemicals in my head. I took a sip before drying my wet cheeks with the sleeves of my uniform.

"It's raining outside."  
"How funny it's only you who felt the struggle of rain considering that you own a car." I snuggle against the wooden seat which creaks like it's going to break as I do. Maybe I'm the only one - if it really is the rain, the why am the only one who settled in this tiresome café that had almost forgotten by the advanced globalization.

"Well, I kind of struggling, honestly." I chuckled with a shrug, my throat tigthens with every words I speak. Why am I being so vulnerable? Everything seem to load against my shoulders that I just wanted to lay down in this dusty wooden floor.

"Why so- If you don't mind?" I glanced to him - thinking if I should spill something so confidencial. But where will I end up today? To whom should I spill everything until I gone crazy? Armin can't know, not Mikasa, and not Levi. All I could contain is myself, and this stranger who doesn't know even a single piece of me.

"How should I put this?" I signed. "Have you ever hated someone that you almost wreck every piece of them? And before you realized it, you're falling in love with them like 'poof' have this feelings." I chuckled, but the tears kept on running down my face. God, how pathetic I might look infront of this middle aged man. 

"That's - very romantic." He raised his eyebrows - though his reaction was as if there's nothing facetious about my story. I expected him to laugh - to snort out of his nose while shitting on me like I am a lost kid. But he didn't. Why is that? I wonder. People sure are mysterious. How scary it is to know that you're incapable of reading other's thoughts? Like there's one shit going on but there'll be billions of person with different standpoints that could deal with it - each with various outcome. It's frigthening to know that I am who I am - and I have reasons of my own. But then there'll be millions of people who might understand, though another million will probably not. 

I smiled, licking my lips to taste the foam coming from the coffee. "Then they're unaware of everything. Only they know how much you love them - but little did they know that every piece of them were scattering, all because of you." He stared at me without a blink, and I felt like I was bare and naked that my bones shivers in the midst air. He's one of the billions, and the two percent of the world's population might agree to him. 

"Are you sure though?" He signed.  
"Of what?"  
"That you're in love. Because if you do, you'll never corrupt someone so important."

I froze -my hands shivers against the coffee cup. Every words of him are like blades against my ski . "But I could feel it. I'm so inlove that I'm going crazy."

"Love isn't just a feeling, lad . It's a sacrifice, it's a responsibility, it's everything life could offer. A love with pure emotion is -"

"Selfishness." I wasn't sure - but that's how the broken puzzle pieces connect. He gave me a crooked smile with a pat on the head like a father being proud of his own son. Though there's a pang of ache when I realized that my own father never had a chance of showing that he is at least proud of me. There's nothing to be proud of me, anyway - so I shrugged it off. "So? I should confess?" But how? What will be Levi's response? Spilling everything is a risk - risk of losing him. But there's chance that he might forgive me - but should I rely on that? I'll be setting everything on a candle light, and hoping for a wind to blow out the fire. 

"I'm in no place to choose. It's all in your hands, kid." I could feel the mug's warmth escaping against my palms, and so I sip the coffee for the last time before resting on my feet. My chest was surprisingly ligther compared a while ago, and I could breath without the hefty feeling of being caged. I'm somehow enlightened, though there's still another hundred pieces I needed to find to be able to envisage the future of me and Levi. Maybe I'm selfish to mend Levi with my dissembled intuition. But isn't too late? Should I end this hideous show and bend ourselves into the reality I'd made? I don't know. I have no any idea where to start, or how to even start.

"Thanks -" I bite my tongue when I realized that I haven't asked for his name yet - which is kind of embarassing.

"People call me Hans." I lossen my uniform tie before flashing a smile. I smiled more than the usual today, huh?

"Hans, I'm Eren - see you around." Then I turned my heel for a leave- the bell rang after the door closed behind me. I glanced up to the sky - the heavy droplets abruptly turned into drizzle as I saunter towards my car. It felt warm inside, and so I inhale the dust until my chest lossen before sliding my phone against the uniform pocket. I dialled Levi's number - it rang two times before his voice echoed against my ear like some great work of art. God, I love him so much I could compare him with some of Beethoven's greatest compositions. 

"Hello, Eren."  
"Hi, Levi." I smirked to myself - thinking that this phrases were being shared between us whenever he talk on the phone. It's like a special greeting, and no one could feel the warmth of his voice but me.

"What are you doing?" I casually asked, bringing the engine on.  
"Hey don't drive when you're on the phone."  
"I just turned the engine on. I'm going back to the dormitory, where are you now?" He cares. He cares a lot. He's starting to show a peak, simple remarks that I am not just an ordinary person to him. And with that, my head seemed to float with the clouds. Oh how I wished I could hold unto that emotion until I die.

"Good. And uh, about that - Dr. Leonheart called this morning, telling me that swimming therapy might be a big help." Levi voice dropped - like a hesitant child who's scared of being condemn. I hate it when he's getting uncomfortable with me - like being distant or something. But I'm trying my best to go with it, anyways. "And so I asked Petra if she could come with me. We're in some private pool resort." Of course I was startled, and a bit dissappointed. Why would he ask Petra instead of me? Dammit. Why am I being so sensitive over some kind of kid pool resort? Sometimes, the people we love the most are the main reason why we turned to be upset all the time. But most of the time, we are the one who overthinks and jumps into some impossible conclusions. I couldn't help it - I've been used to the set up where it's just me and him, that I'm the only one he needed. 

I pressed my lips together, not knowing what to say, because one : I don't want to say that it's okay because it's totally not. And second : Levi will probably panic if I told him that I wasn't pleased with his action. So I kept silent - listening to his breathing pace until he spoke another word.

"I'm sorry if I didn't tell you earlier." Dammit Eren, speak. Make him feel better, say it's okay and you're glad for his progress.

"Where is that? I'll be going too." So once again, I'm being too possesive - congratulations to you Mr. Jaeger, a.k.a douchebag of the century. I heared Levi asking Petra to where they are going before he answered my query.

"Sina resort."  
"Alright, see you there. I love you."  
"Okay."

I came in no time, and as expected - there's no much people around the olympic indoor pool. Who would want to swim in this weather, really? I never had the chance to change into much casual clothes - probably because I'm too caught up with my own insecurities. Maybe I was right when I thought that Levi was just sticking around me because he needed someone to hold unto. So now that there's some other people who he could use, I'll be nothing but a dump, used stuff. I wanted to know what he really thinks of me - 'cause I'm still clueless up until now. I wonder if every sacrifices I made was all for nothing. It scares me. I'm scared. I need an assurance - yet I still couldn't fanthom even a single sillhoutte.

"Eren! Here!" I heared a familiar voice which is no other than Petra herself. I turned to meet them - just the two of them, but then I was utterly stunned when I saw another person. Not just another person, Levi was just clinging unto him. Just clinging unto that fucking bastard. And the fact the Levi let him made every veins of me burst in jelousy. I reduced the distance between ourselves - with my fist clenched so tigthly that I could barely feel my own skin. I breathed every so deeply - controlling the blood getting up into my head. I couldn't lose my sanity in this kind of place, and I couldn't show Levi how pissed I am to him - because that won't work for a hundred times.

"Why don't you change, Eren? We just got here so we're changing outfits. Levi needs some support here." Petra shook my shoulder - her prominent smile flashed. I glanced over Petra's shoulder to see Levi, with his body hanging against other person's touch. I couldn't help it. He might be a friend, or just a swimming instructor, or just a stranger who offered some help. But my mind is a complete, lump of shits. The fact that someone's touching Levi the way I do made my blood boil into such extent. I want this floor to swallow me until my chest lossen - until my heart beat halt forever.

"Well, looks like I'm not needed? Just call me when the therapy's over, I'll be waiting on the car."

"Eren." Petra frowned - and I could see how stunned Levi and the other party is. "Oh I forgot! T-This is Marco from Legion's, don't you recognized him? I asked him for some help - Levi seemed to be comfortable with him so -" Petra shut when she realized where she is going through. Comfortable, huh? Of course - he's probably bigger than me, and he could hold Levi steadier than I can. But comfortable? I worked twice as much for Levi to get 'comfortable' with my presence, and yet - fuck.

"I'll be going now, please take care of Levi for me." I turned my back, and I could felt my eyes stinging again. Fuck. Not here, not here Jeager. Run. You could run and then you can cry. But not here, you miserable bastard.

"Eren, don't you dare leave." Levi's voice was intimidating - the old him I used to missed suddenly grew back. I didn't move nor budge - my knees weakens like jelly. I hate how he can made me weak with just a single sentence.

"Okay guys, maybe we should cancel this for now, don't you think? I'm kind of tired anyway... Uh, can we?" Petra said, her words jumping like a nervous cat. "Marco, hand Levi over Eren, let's bring the bags back on the car okay let's go." I heared footsteps afterwards - and so I thought that I was all alone in the middle of nowhere. Even though Petra took the lead, I wouldn't be surprise if Levi refused to stay with me. I know for myself that he hates my dominant side. He even rejected me for it - and thinking that there's another possibility of rejection pains me a little to much.

I jolt when I felt someone gripped on my arm, though it's gentle as it is. I turned to face Levi -and I was a bit startled when he suddenly wrapped his arms around my neck and shoulders - leaving Marco behind. "I'm sorry for causing much trouble." The freckled boy shyly uttered before shifting Levi's body against mine, and I have no choice but to held on tight to support him.

"You didn't do anything wrong Marco, thanks for your help." Marco gave me an apologenic frown before leaving us behind. I couldn't help but to feel embarass of myself for being immature and a brat. But is it wrong to feel this way? 

"Let's go home." Levi caress my cheek before brushing his lips against mine. His eyes were placid still - and I couldn't percieve the emotions he has.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there... I'm going to be an aunt! Wow he'll be the first one and it kinda felt weird cause my brother is no more than two years older than me but I guess that's how life goes : getting married and having kids and stuff like that. Oh well, I personally have no plans for that thing. It's seven in the evening and I got work at 12mn again >:/ my manager should stop giving me schedule like this I'm starting to get sicker and sicker. Anyways, this chapter includes smut and if you're under 18, so be it, read.

Eren

The rain continued as the elevator rise to our feet. Levi is standing next to me - though his hands were enveloping my arm for support. He's doing well - too eager to get too well to the point that he's pushing himself over the edge. He even declined when I'm about to carry him out of the car, that slightly bothers me. I felt like I'm slowly being worthless to him and will never be needed once everything of him is recovered . Maybe he'll get tire of me sooner or later, and so telling the truth will just become his reason to leave - though I know to myself that he wanted to be free from the chains I've made even from the start. Maybe he cares, because that's how you act to someone you use to be able to survive. But love? Levi to love me the way I do to him? It's closer to nothing.

"Eren." I jolt from his touch as I came back to my senses. "What are you thinking?" 

"Nothing." I mumbled, eyes glued against my feet I could barely feel. It seems like the ground is melting and I'm going to sink any second.

"Stop thinking useless things."

What is useless exactly? I shook my head when the elevator rang - stepping on my feet as we make a way out of the steel box. I didn't say a thing or two even after reaching the front door of our room - Levi neither did. The athmosphere felt a little more heavy when we settled inside. The air is chilly and the feeling of me twisting with it like a hurricane. Levi  rested against his bed as I changed myself into much more casual clothes. My uniform is starting to get uncomfortable in this kind of weather. 

"Eren." Levi called out once I slide my shirt on. I glanced down while he point a finger over the space beside him. My eyebrows furrowed, though I know exactly what he meant. But the fact that I'm achingly sensitive towards him makes me wanna hit myself against an unbreakable wall. I am into him to the point that I'm being a slave of his actions. I hate how stucked I am into this kind of feeling. I wanted to go back and shrink myself inside an unlit world. I hate the feeling of my chest being stabbed. I hate myself for loving him so dearly. But I couldn't refused. I took the empty space beside him, and my skin abruptly sting when he pressed a finger against my cheek. I couldn't hold his sight - his eyes that failed me too many times. I am too broke to speak a word, or to even move a finger. My body posture must be awful and my face might be sticky with the mixture of tears and snot. Everything's slowly breaking down as I wait for Levi's words that might end this torment. Words like 'I'm sick of you' or 'Let's end everything.' The thought stirring on my head like an endless rollercoster. Please end this now. Make it quick and painless. Do it now, Levi.

"Sorry for making you upset." Levi pulled me against his tiny self, squeezing me tigthly with the warmth I've been longing to feel. The smell of cigarette slowly fading in against his skin - I had noticed. The smell of pure vanilla sinking in with every sob I make. I'm utterly confused of this situation that contrast my expectations. I'm so pissed that I couldn't read his mind. 

Levi touched my face in between his palms, and I felt embarassed while he stare at me like a candle light in the middle of darkness. My breath raced as I met his eyes, though I couldn't understand why his eyes are full of emotions when all I'm expecting is a stare full of disappointment. "I told you to stop thinking useless things, am I?" I could barely hear his voice - I could only hear the beating of my heart and the sharp breaths of mine. Why is he apologizing? Why don't you just end everything here and now? But then I'm impatient. I wounldn't wait for his rejection to pass through me - and before he could do, I wanted to tell him what I truly feel. That I'm so lonely - so lonely that I just wanted to sleep for years until his memory fades in thin air. That I thought it was enough - that it's enough if I'm the only one who functions in this relationship. But I was wrong. I was totally wrong. And I'm under going an horrendous destruction.

"I'm sick of it. I don't want to act like I'm okay with this set-up anymore. I'm always the only one. It's been a one sided love even from the start. I know I told you that I'll be waiting, that I wouldn't want anything from you. But - " I clenched a fist against my chest, almost ripping up the fabric against the skin. It aches twice as much now - knowing that this'll be the end of everything I worked for. Every lies, mistakes, pain, selfishness, sacrifices - it's all for nothing. I'm sliding back to zero, and I wonder if I could crawl back ever again.  "It hurts like hell. I thought it would be alright as long as you're clinging unto me. I-I thought I would be okay. I thought I'll be okay if it is just me." And I cried - as if it'll be the last time I would. The old me who couldn't shed even a single tear will probably stood once again - in that empty mansion back in Germany, with painful memories that could last until the last day of my life.

"Eren..." Levi's eyebrows furrowed as he slide his hands off my face, and I felt like as if every organs in my body has been removed. I couldn't breath, my lungs drained from crying too much. How could he utter my name with such mellow touch? Why do he need to torture me when everything of me is already breaking into pieces? I don't understand. I wanted to dissappear.

"Laugh at me, it's okay. I'm just too pathetic to exist, am I?" I shook my head, and I could feel Levi's fingers running through my rising shoulder, and down to my chest. My tears won't stop from spilling like a waterfall. He's going to push me away - like he always do. Though a little part of me was hoping for a little comfort, a comfort I never felt from him.

Levi crumpled my shirt against his fist before a gentle force pulled me over his body - he's about a couple of inch shorter than me, so then he need to streched his body a little more to be able to reach my miserable face. He'll probably hurt me with his own hands, but then I was utterly startled when he pressed his lips against mine - slowly moving in such pace that drags me into an expectation that I am not worthless as I think I am to him. I was as if drowning in my own pool as I wrapped my arms around his waist - lifting him a bit so that my tongue could freely move inside his mouth. Maybe this is just a farewell kiss? Who knows. But I wouldn't bother to care. The thing is, I'm melting before Levi's touch for the last time, the only thing that could complete my empty soul.

"Jaeger." He mumbled under my mouth before unlocking our lips. "You're over thinking things." Levi planted a kiss against my forehead - though he's struggling to reach my obviously large physic. "But it's my fault, isn't it? For making you feel this way." My chest tigthens - my head confused, but I'm pretty sure that he's partly right : I'm overthinking things.

"Come on, stop being a crying baby. And I'm telling you, you're all wrong okay? You're not the only one here." He then pressed his cheeks against my chest, his arms enveloping everything of me - his hair sticking against my nose as I drown over his vanilla scent. Why am I letting myself be eaten by the false hope he's offering me? I wanted to set myself free from this feeling - because if I do, the pain might fade together with it. But Levi - I love him all too much that every single move he makes sends me into a deep, unrequired feeling.

"I never said a thing because- it's because I'm too frigthen to give all myself. I'm struggling to trust, but then you. You came like a ship wreck." Levi held me tigther- my lungs suffocating, throat tigthening with every breath I take. "So it doesn't matter anymore. I mean, we live to break a bone, and so I'll break a hundred of mine just for you."

Fuck. I'm maybe hallucinating from too much crying. That's all I thought - but those words are enough for my soul to escape against my physical body. Every blood on my veins seemed to halt - from the head to the tip of my toe. I can't even move a muscle - teeth grinding against the lower lip just to pained myself to assure that I'm awake. 

"Eren - You don't have any idea. I never loved someone like this before." 

I never loved someone like this before - he said it like he's the only one. Why do he need to bring the selfishness in me before slipping out those words? Everything I did - literally for death and life are of worth by those words. All along, I was a truck traveling in nullness awaiting for something to crashed into. I was a meteor within the galaxy speeding to break another surface. I was walking without a prior path - with a handkerchief folded against my eyelids. But then I crashed on something, I broke on something - and it was him. Levi unwrapped the thing that caused my years of blindness. I maybe sound too romantic - or exagerrated, but as of now, right this very moment - I feel as if I was born to love this person infront of me. I wasn't born to become a good son, nor a good friend, or even a good person over all - but to him, only him. God, if there's another way of going back, help me to find it now - because after swallowing him whole tonight, I won't be able to draw him out of my system, ever again.

I cautiosly pinned Levi against the pad with our eyes stringed into each other like an unbreakable thread. I wanted to laugh at myself of how insensitive I could be. How could I not feel that? How could I ignore the fingertips brushing against my hair when I was half asleep at three a.m.? How can I not feel the warmth of his lips brushing against my skin in the middle of the night? How dare I feel that I'm the only one existing in this fantasy I've made? And the fact that I speak them for words - dammit, I'm still the immature eighteen year old brat I used to be.

"What's that mean?" I mumbled, pressing my lips against the skin at the back of his ear - sending hot breaths as an aftermath of crying. I wanted to hear it again, all clear - all directed to me.

"What I mean is I love you - Eren Jaeger." Levi streched a smile, pressing my cheeks between his palms - my stomach mixing with butterflies and acid fluids. I bit my lower lip before crashing my own  against his smile - moving my lips with such gentle sync. Every parts of me aching to be one of him, mouths aren't enough, skin to skin touch aren't enough. I could feel it, the craving of flesh, the hunger for soul - damn it, I think I'm going insane. My fingertips started to crawl down against the lining of his spine, pulling his body closer to me as I grind my lower torso against his thighs - earning a deep moan from Levi's mouth. I smirked on our kiss, satisfied by the erotic reactions he's making. I continue to deepen the sensation of the friction made by our skins - sweat rolling off my chest, unsteady breathing and pounding chest. And so I was drowning utterly when Levi pressed a pressure off my chest - cutting the sweetness of our entangled tounges. I glanced to his eyes with a confused expression - Levi's chest rising and falling rapidly with flushed cheeks and swollen lips. 

"What's wrong?" I asked - trying to calm my urging pleasure, but then desperation rise upon myself. Levi then pulled the hem of my shirt, and I go as he will - kind of startled by his actions I never had imagined. 

"I kind of hate hindrances." He smirked. Damn it - his deep, intimadating voice, strong british accent and a lustful glance turns me on all too well

"You're good at bewitching people, aren't you, Levi?" I said, undressing the fabric of his shirt before peeling off his jeans to leave just a piece of underwear with a huge budge slacking off behind it. I was to fasinated by the pale skin of his that I eagerly lick his nipple as soon as I had the sight of them. "Uhmm..." Levi moaned, eyes close and arching spine. He's so sensitive I just wanted to eat him whole. 

"You like it here, huh?" I suck on his other nipple as I play a finger on the other, making Levi moan deeper than the last.  "E-Eren, that's enough." He mumbled breathlessly, and I could feel his cock throbbing beneath the fabric that seperates his skin to mine. 

"Liar, you like it."  
"You're such a brat."  
"Cause I am." And then I peel the last garment off his body - exposing his pale, hard cock now full of precum. I rub his tip using my thumb, making Levi's inner thighs shiver in pleasure. "Oh God.." Levi bit his lip in embarassment when I started to lick off the fluids his body produced, then sucking it with my gentle mouth, playing my tounge to taste his sweet skin.

"E-Er - Uhngg." I almost though that Levi was hanging off bed because of how his back arch in the air - his fingers pulling the strands of my hair as if it'll calm his needing body. I suck deeply, intensely, until the taste of Levi flowed against my mouth - sweet yet bitter. I crawl back to meet his mouth, pecking a kiss before utturing the words I'm craving to say.

"Can I enter you?" I mumbled - nervousness crawling into the back of my mind. What if Levi decline me like every single one? What if he didn't want to feel me? What if disgust came into him? I don't know - but then my chest lossen when he answered me with : "Use a lube - I have one on my closet. And make sure to be gentle cause I'm sure to hell I'll pull you out if it hurts." So I smiled like a kid, streching myself to reach the closet where a bottle of lube was placed. 

I put an amount against my index finger before applying some over Levi's entrance. At first he jolted, but then hungry moans started to slip out of his lips when I started to thrust a finger against his hole. "I'll make you feel good. I can never hurt you." I planted a kiss against his forehead before slipping of my own jeans and boxers - my cock hanging on the midst with my fingers streaching Levi further. 

"M-ake it slow - Ughh." Levi almost scream when I placed his ass against my thighs - brushing my tip against his already loss entrance. I was a bit startled when my length went on smoothly - feeling the warmth of Levi's flesh wrapping against my sensitive part. Levi wraps his arms around my neck - his whole body trembles within my touch. "I'm going to move, tell me if it hurts." And I thrust slowly, tiny moans covered our whole room until the temptation of lust swallowed us entirely. Slow movements gradually turned into aggresive ones that I could hear the sound of our skin makes in every contact. 

"EREN AH, THERE - UGHNNG." Levi's moans are music to my ears - and the way his hips sways so that I could hit his sensitive parts makes me wanna enter him deeper. It doesn't matter how much scratches he imprint against my back -or bite marks he leave on my neck. Everything he does to me, I will accept it whole heartedly until I can no longer breath on my own. His vanilla scent stirring with my own smell - the sweetest, yet painful scent I had ever experienced. 

"Tell me how it feels." I could barely utter any words as I thrust in and out deeply inside of him - though my thighs are starting to ache, I couldn't care less. The feeling's overwhelming it's too hard to stop.

"I-It ..UGHNG FEELS SO GOOD. EREN UGH." The way Levi scream for my name, it's just too much to handle. I never wanted it to stop. I could go on forever, just me and him. I kissed him thoroughly, with our tounges dancing inside our mouths -but that didn't stop Levi from moaning from his throat. "I'm going to lift you up."

"My legs are still weak." He whispered with panting breaths - his warmth getting intense with every second I am inside of him. Levi's whole body trembles as I caustiosly stood our bodies over the bed, and I could feel every sweat rolling down my skin - Levi's weight shifted suddenly that my hard length slides in deeper into his entrance. "I'll move you."

"NGGH.." Levi bit his lower lip - his arms strangling my neck as I cup his ass to adjust our position, spreading his hole a bit so that I could slide everything entirely - earning another scream of pleasure from his mouth. It was just a slipt seconds when I started to move by lifting his body with his hips dancing against my thighs.

"You're so damn tight.. Hmm." I said out of lust, stroking Levi's cock that's growing hard for the second time. We continued with that position until I felt myself getting out of control -getting close on my climax.

"Fuck, I'm going to cum." I mumbled against Levi's collarbone before licking off the sweat rolling against it. I cannnot hold it anymore.

"Me too - AH! , cum inside me." I was startled by his request - I never thought of that, really. But it's Levi, how can I reject his needs? And so I tigthen my embrace against his upper torso - feeling the excitement flowing out of my body. I felt the hot substance bursting out of his entrance - and a loud moan from Levi before his body collapse, unmoving and sticky from sweat. 

"Levi." I laid him down the bed before pulling out my deflated cock out from his body -his eyes close, pale complexion mixing with a slight hint of red. I stroke his bangs with my fingers before planting a kiss on his forehead. "I'm sorry, I think I over did it." He then lifted his eyelids to glance at me. "You sure did." He chuckled - though he's struggling to breath in normally. I smiled at him - with my teeth exposing itself like a child, and that's when he lifted a hand to caress my chin with his thumb.

"I love you." Levi uttured, with his grey eyes clouding in much emotion and sincerity. My chest started to pound and I could feel my face flushing like a girl. Come to think of it - of how lucky I am to be loved by the person I wanted to be with. And come to think of how twisted our love will be with the hidden truths and unsaid secrets of mine. But tonight, I'm in the heaven of my own - I should not let myself be swallowed by the fact that this'll end sooner or later. I wanted to forget everything for now, and so I layed on top of Levi- snugging my nose against his collarbone. Saying that I love him more than he do, asking him to never get sick of me and to forgive me for everything before I let myself drown into unconsiousness - stains on sheets and my ears pressed against his chest.

**

I woke up with my phone blasting off with Armin's voice. I lifted my head from laziness to see Levi staring back at me with his eyebrows knotted together. I smiled at him, my phone being an unecessary background music.

"Who's voice is that?"  He asked, as if threatening like a jelous girlfriend. I breath deeply with a smirked streched on my lips- reaching for coffee table where my phone laid. My heart flutterring on how cute he could be - jelous and possessive. The feeling of being wanted - that they are afraid to lose you, makes my whole body shivers in hapiness. I don't want this to stop. I hate the idea of Levi loathing on me. I won't be able to handle it, yet the guilt hunts me down everytime I look into his eyes - thinking that everything we held on were nothing but fake and temporary. 

I peaked a kiss against the tip of his nose before sliding off the sheets with naked skin. "It's my bestfriend back in Germany. Just childhood friend - worry not." I said, glancing down at him while rubbing a thumb against a cheek - though his expression was annoyed still. 

"Answer the phone." Levi hissed, earning a tiny chuckle from my throat.  
"Aye!" Then I pressed the answer button without knowing who it could be.

"Eren speaking."  
"Eren, of course." Hearing her voice made me clenched a fist. It's been a while since we last talk - and the misunderstanding between us were still hanging amidst of being apart. I kind of missed Mikasa - specially those times when I really needed someone to hang into. But my ego and anxiety swallowed me like a hideous evil that sends me far away from the only person who I could call a family. Yet, when I heared of her voice, I felt dread instead of longing. Mikasa - even though she's as precious as Levi, I would count her as a hindrance. I know clearly what she can do - or what she's not capable of. And I'm pretty sure she can separate my path from Levi if she wished too.,

"Oh, Mikasa." I pressed a thumb over Levi's lips when he has to speak a word - and so he flicked his face away, shifting his body on the other side of the bed. Dammit, isn't he too cute?

"Yeah, you never called. You sure enjoying London that you had forgotten me?"  
"Sure I am." I didn't like the way her tone sounded, and so I stiffen my throat to have sounded that I'm not pleased with her attitude. Dammit - I'm too busy focusing at Levi this past few months that I forgotten some issues and individuals I needed to take care of.

I heared Mikasa signed - and I could even feel her eyes rolling. "Let's talk....personally" I abruptly glanced at Levi, with his bare back and curled up body - like a stubborn kid he is. Should I? I won't be surprised if the news from my school had already reached her, and so mom as well. She won't be easy on me for sure. Mom will probably tasked her stuff they only knew. And I'm kind of anxious. Dammit - I wanted to go somewhere, far, far away where no one else knows my name but Levi. But then Mikasa, knowing her - if I decline, she's going to prey on me secretly that might be a whole lot scarier than speaking with her face to face.

It took me a second before letting out an anxious response. " 'Kay, Later at lunch, you free?"  
"I'll gonna fetch you there."  
"That's not necessarry, Mikasa."  
"It is, see you at 11." Then  she hanged up without letting me say another word. Well, it's a smart thing to do, anyways. We'll just disagree with each other until the fire flamed up and patience drown down. I place the phone back over the coffee table before sliding against Levi again-  only the sheets seperating our naked bodies.

"Let's take a bath." I growled under his ear -with my chin pressed against his shoulder and my arms wrapping him whole. Levi shrugged - and so I bite a skin that made him fliched in pain. That made him turned - eyes verging into tears, red ears and a biting lip. "What the hell are you -" And I kissed him before he could even say another word. He sure is anxious - just like me. I know the feeling of being scared of what might happen, or what is happening without my knowing. The fact that there's something hidden beyond your conscious makes me shiver in fear, and so seeing Levi with that worries me a bit. Even though it's cute to see him like that, I know for the fact the the feeling is uneasy.

"You know the girl who I screamed at when you were sleeping?" Levi knotted his eyebrows - thinking deeply before letting out a reply. "Yeah, that girl." Though he never had her sight, I know that Levi had an impression of Mikasa, even how much hideous it is.

"My twin, believe it or not." Levi signed before latching my arms back to him, and I could feel his breath warming up my collarbone as he spoke.

"Oh." He mumbled. "You're going to meet her?"  
"Yeah, Are you going to be okay here alone?"  
"Well, I'm twenty six, sure I am."

It was almost nine in the morning when we finished in the bathroom. Nothing really happened, just Levi complaining about his aching hips and butt. I was too caught up by the sensation of our bodies intertwined that I almost forgot he's not totally well yet. Though I didn't regret a single thing - now that we did it, I could assure myself that he's already mine. And he did said that he loves me. I've been waiting for those words, and I couldn't contain myself when I heared it from him. I'm so fucking happy I could die any second. 

We took breakfast down the cafeteria before Mikasa called. Levi, as his usual self, never said a thing before I took off. He borrowed my laptop for some movies to catch on - killing some time before bringing myself home again. Petra, on the other hand, gave us a chinese take out for peace offering after what happened yesterday. It's undoubtly my fault - and no one else has do to with it, but then it'll be impolite of me is I reject her offer. Petra was at least relived, and also, I don't have to worry about Levi's lunch anymore - so the idea of settling the issue down is not half as bad it may seemed. Mikasa drove off earlier than eleven, that is quite surprising because she is stubbornly a late comer. And another suprising thing is that she's driving a car by her own. Mikasa frequently accompanied by a driver or some old butler whenever she goes out of the city - that's how she mention her experiences back when I was in Germany.

"A car by your own?" I let out a playful smirk, yanking the passenger door open before settling against the leather seat. Mikasa never glanced at me, though she replied after stepping on the gas pedal.

"Yes." She shrugged. "And you seem happy today. That's rare, why's that?" How can you sense if someone is happy, really? Because of how they often smile? Or how they speak a word? I'm not that observant - though Mikasa is undeniably one. I can't even understand myself : but she's probably right, I'm happy. Even though there's a hundred burdens hidding behind me - I still couldn't contain myself because of him. Only him. Dammit - why him of all the people?

"Am I?" I streached my arms into the air, feeling every tensed muscles aching to lossen. The sun was set today - and now I could say that London's weather is hard to deal with, just like my emotions indeed. The sunlight was so bright - and so I slide the window open to welcome the dry, yet breezy air into my system. We've been dealing with a week of rain and thunderstorms - and so wasting your lungs to inhale the aircondition of a car is such a waste.

"Where are we going and what are we gonna talk about?" I asked, with my whole weight resting against the seat and the air prickling on my bear cheeks. I used to hate how my skin shades into a darker color compared than the rest, but then it was the sun I was made of. The warm heat of the earth had painted me when I was still unborn - I liked the idea.

"Some café or restaurant and talk about important stuff."  
"Stuff like?" Stuff like school and getting on trouble. I know - I'll be surprise if it's not what she is intended to say. But Mikasa never said a thing after that. We ended up stopping by an English Restaurant that serves nothing else but English meals and tea. The ambiance was quite classic - with some photos of the old London streets and portrait of people that probably once stepped on the same wooden racks where I stood. The music was classical - some Ludwig's masterpiece maybe? I barely figured out - I had never been a big fan of classical music. 

We are welcomed by some old gentleman wearing a casual white polo shirt hiding against a navy blue vest that's closed by three golden button ups. He's wearing a faded chapeau that seemed to be older than my day of birth - and a pair of glasses with thin framed ironing. He dressed as if he's living his whole life in this restaurant - and it's kind of refreshing to see such decicated people. 

"Good day, a table for two Mr. Wright." Mikasa bowed her head slightly, and I could feel the English atmosphere sworming inside the unpopulated room.  
"Ah, young lady, here, here..." Mr. Wright was slow and calm and prudent as he look at me with a smile. And so he leaved to accompany another costumers once we settled ourselves. Mikasa ordered something - and I do not careless what it is. I just wanted to end some trick she's playing on me.

"So?" I started, sipping the green tea steaming up my nose.  
"Eren - what are you doing this past few months?" Mikasa's eyebrows were furrowed in impatience - dissappointment lingering on her expression.  
"Having a life, friends, school -"  
"School? You barely attend your classes."  
"So Mr. Smith had it mentioned?" I shurgged, as if nothing really mattered anymore. The mad Eren that had once lived was nothing but a normal person now. I understand how violence can't do any better but to worsen the situation. And also - the tea calms me down like a catnip calms a cat.  
"Indeed. Mom was so frantic - Eren, you need to tell me what's going on."  
Mikasa's tone turned down, as if a care taker calming a wild beast. That's how she sees me all this years - a stubborn beast who could do any harm to anyone I laid eyes on.

"There's nothing, Mikasa. I told you- everything's fine."  
"So then be it, Eren. Mom wanted to bring you back to Germany."

And I frozed - the cup I was holding with my fingers almost slipped out, and the whole scene seemed to be a dream. I was falling - and I don't know where to crash.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the last-est update I had ever done so far. Almost half way of writing this when finals started. And I was kind of 'uninspired' to write. I was really in the verge of giving up this fic but it'll be cruel of me, if I do. *Sign with self disappointment*

"You say... what?" I leaned to lift a foot, my tongue was as if tied into knots. Bring me back to Germany? Bringing me back to the life I once thought a nightmare? Bring me back when every scattered pieces of me has been already patched? What's wrong with her? They know nothing of me - of how I mislaid my own sanity, the throes of being abandoned, nearly everything was unknown, faded within the darkness of reality. So who gave her the right to decide on which path I should lead? I'm so fucking pissed that everything I laid eyes on seemed to rotten.

"Mom wanted to -"  
"I heared.." I hissed - with low, yet intimidating tone. "Why is she dealing my life now? I heared nothing of her for almost a year, Mikasa - and now she wanted to manipulate me like one of her piece of shits? Damn her." Mikasa's expression seemed to soften with symphaty. It seems that it hitted her - the truth and the circumstances, but then the fact that she have contact Mom sligthly bothers me. I don't know who to trust and who should not anymore.

"Uncle Erwin was the one who delivered the issue, so it only added fuel to the fire. You should tell me what's going on so I could help you." She said it like a calming wind. I was almost mislead by the false disposition of my own sister - my twin, our cords was once connected, our bloods ran against the same veins. But not in the present, where our minds were molded by the hundred miles of distance. We are different - almost as if strangers. And so even how much our blood flushed with the same color, I still couldn't find to myself the trust I supposed to be bringing within our relationship as siblings. 

"I told you, there's nothing wrong."  I slide the seat backwards without making any sound before stepping on my feet. Mikasa glanced up to me, with her infamous piercing eyes - that sligthly reminds me of Levi's grey one. "I should be going, thanks for the treat." I could feel the fierce anger crawling against my skin as soon as I turned my heel for a leave. I didn't even wait for the food, nor to percieve the guilt prior to my action. All I wanted to do is to escape - drive in an endless road until I reach the end point of the world, which is undeniably impossible. Yet I crave for it. I crave the freedom within the wall of reality. I didn't know what to do anymore. All I need in life is Levi - his touch, hair and skin and every piece of him. But why there's a hundred bullshit reasons bringing us apart?

Levi

The moon had shown it's plains when disquiet fill into me because of Eren's long absence. I kept on worrying myself that I couldn't focus on the movie that I was supposed to be watching - yet I still couldn't bring myself to even call him. It's not that I'm an egostic son of a bitch or a stubborn old man who couldn't contain himself as a possessive partner. I just thought that I never really get to see Eren hanging often around anyone but me or Petra. I aware of it - of Eren being an unsocial teenager, a person who chooses chains over rainbows, and a kid who's utterly inlove with an older man. And to see him socializing with other people (I don't really classify her sister as 'other people', it's just that they barely communicate) it kind of relieves me. Eren is at the age where he should be exploring and learning more of this world - age where he should be enjoying and risking, not to stuck his ass within this room with a boring man like me.

I'm still quite unsure of the decisions we've made - it seemed too soon and perilous for the both of us. The circusmtances are too entagled and there's no particular path we're walking into. It's utterly spontaneous, risky and menacing - specially for Eren who's young and attractive enough to fuck countless youngsters who chooses outer apperance rather than courtesy and manners. But then it's too late to back out or to even think of this things now. The idea of losing him feels like a torture. I love him all too well that I cannot bring myself to smile without his presence. Dammit, how did I end up like this? 

I glanced up to the wall clock hanging just above the main door and sign when it says it's almost ten in the evening. Scrabbling off the blankets - I swing my bare legs at the bed's edge a couple of times before standing to my heel. My knees where sligthly trembling and so I was unsure if my stability is enough for walking. But then when I lifted a feet to step, I was kind of startled and relieved. I could feel my feet and legs as if they were normal. Surprisingly and unexpectedly, I could walk by my own. 

*Pring*Pring*

I stumbled off the ground when my phone suddenly snap within the deafining silence of this room. My hands hurriedly shuffle against the layers of blanket with my knees pressed over the cold ass floor. The phone says it from Eren, and so the anxiety slowly fade out of my system as soon as I hear his voice.

"Hello?" Well, it doesn't seemed to be Eren's, that made my chest pounding like a hammer thread. Everything of me shivers in horror like someone poured a bucket of ice in my whole being. Who could it be? Countless possibilities stumbling on my head- getting worse with every seconds counting. I was anxious and in panic - but then I'm still unsure of the circumstances. I can't jump into horrid conclusions that will never bring me to rational action.

"This is Levi speaking." I breathed deeply to calm my cracking nerves.  
"Oh yes, Levi. This is Hanns, Eren's friend" Eren's name echoed against my ear repeatedly as a cold sweat rolled down my right temple. My shits slowly getting together and my knees streaching out for a stand.

"Could it be possible if I speak to him?" The wind coming through the window seemed to cracked every lines of my dried lips. My eyes darted on the farthest sky where I couldn't even fanthom the end - or there is really an end. Head's floating, chest tigthening, and fingers trembling. I'm so worried that I could stop breathing any second of this night.

"I'm sorry, the kid is drunk and nearly unconscious. Though he keeps on uttering your name - and so I decided to call you." I pressed my forehead against window- relief and dissappointment stirring up into my system like an awful recipe. I signed again - I had signed more than I should be today, huh. 

"Damn that kid. Where is the place? He might be pesting you more than you could handle - I'm asking your pardons."

The stranger - I mean, Hanns let out a guffowed before uttering yet another reply "Don't be too formal Mr. Levi. And worry not - he's safe here. It's around the Trost street, an old looking café. You could tell, you're smart enough to figured?"

"Thank you. I'll be there shortly." 

My feet are already well, but not too well to drive a car or to even kick on water - and so I decided to make myself yet another bother on Petra's part. I know she's kind and willing, yet I couldn't take away the idea of being a burden and discomfort to her. So tonight, just tonight - I will asked another favor for the last time. Damn , I hope it'll be the last like I had hoped for. 

"Levi! Wahh! Are you already good for walking?" Petra pops her head out of her room door- wearing her pajamas and a pair of fluffy slippers and a weary eyelids. Dammit - I'm such a bother, am I?

"I'm really sorry for troubling you again." I bit my lip, digging a thumbnail against the knuckle of my index finger because of the utter embarassment. Petra's eyebrows furrowed as she stare at me to wait for another word. "Could it be possible if you drive me around Trost street?"

"Of course, that's not a problem. You're not a trouble - I'll just gonna get the keys." She smiled, though she was feeling unwell because of the sleepiness. I felt sorry for her, and for everyone who couldn't bring themselves to decline for the needs of other people - even how much of a bother these people are or even how much nonsense they were going through. I wonder where this benevolence of these people came from. How can they manage to act gentle as if empathy is the only thing they were supposed to be made of. I can't even imagine myself doing such things to other people - to no one but Eren. I will do everything for him, for his sake - even if it cost my life or my soul after death. I was fucking selfish, not until I discover the emotion that millions of people had died for and so I'm totally fucked.

It was almost eleven when Petra halt the car infront of an old looking café around Trost, a sickly, dark street that seemed to be forgotten by the growing lights of this city. The wind instantly sting my bare cheeks as soon as the car's door swing out from it's frame. My knees gone numb for a moment - but I couldn't find to myself the possibility of breaking down in this kind of situation. This is serious - so serious that the acid coming from my stomach seem to melted the marrow of my spine. Eren NEVER did this kind of thing for the past months of us being together in Legion's. He didn't even dare to drown himself from alcohol even after that fight we had in the hospital because of Hanji's condition. He's just not that kind of person I thought he was. Eren is strong and stiff and stubborn all the way - and now the reason behind his actions bothers me like a rotting insect diggging into my chest.

"Are you fine?" Petra's eyebrows were furrowed as she glanced to me and up to the creaking door of the antique looking café. I just nod and streached my lips on the side for a bit. I couldn't talk - or maybe I just choose not to. Because I might break here and now if I hear my own, pathetic voice. Petra open the door for us - which almost break my heart when I saw Eren ducking against the counter table with his whole body slouching like a used rag. I signed- blicked a couple of times before taking a step and a step, and another step until reaching his hand for a gentle caress.

"Eren." I mumbled - with Hanns staring at the two of us without saying a greet or so. He just nod and smile before turning his heel to make a coofee out of the dark beans and skimmed milk. Eren jolted when he heared my voice - his head abruptly snapped out of his sleeping position and glanced to me, his eyebrows knotted together as if trying to remember some kind of old folk story. 

"Levi? Are you?" He chafed a finger against his eyelids before staring back at me. Once he behold of my feature, he bit his lip as if like a kid trying to hold back his tears because of the wound who's made of by his own. My chest tigthens because of the awful sight - the dark circles around his eyes, tangled hair and sticky face from the mixture of tears and sweat. I couldn't say anything - it's not that I don't have any nice thing to say or I can't hold unto myself to comfort him. It's just that I'm scared that he might break down infront of me and I might be as well. The damn athmosphere is so heavy I might puke my stomach out any second.

"I don't want us to be apart. I can't, please. I love you - I can't."

Eren throw himself against me - who is undeniably tinier than anyone else in this odd place. His nose digging against the hilt of my collarbone, fingers gripping over my waist like he just wanted to be one of me. And that's when he started to cry - a whimper I couldn't even stand hearing came out from his mouth continously -mumbling words I couldn't understand. I couldn't do anything but to run my fingers against the brown of his hair until the pain he has vanished in an instant. But it can't be done just like that. He's way too broken now that Petra started to cry when unconscious took off Eren's physical body and collapsed against me. My knees went tumbling, but good thing Petra's still on her mind that she took action of helping me. Hanns doesn't gave even a single hint of surprise, though. The middle age man calmly pull his counter's door open before offerring a hand.

"Come on, I'll carry him out for you." Hanns cautiosly shift Eren's arm to hang against his shoulders before picking him off his shoes. I couldn't do anything but to watch Hanns' back slowly fading out of my sight. I thought for a second that I might as well collapse, but when Petra pressed her palms against my shoulder- everything seemed to hit all at once. Eren needs me more than anyone, and I can't do any better if I let myself be drown by the struggle Eren's going through.

"Let's go back?" Petra mumbled- with moist cheeks and weary eyes I couldn't blame to no one but me. "Eren's going to be okay. Come on, we can't stay here forever." I hoped he can - I thought to myself. I never seen Eren shedding a single tear - I had realized. This is something that nice words and gentle touch can't do any comfort.

My head's constantly floating through out the ride. Eren's body pressed so close against mine that I could feel his rising heart beat and hot breaths from the effects of alcohol. Eren was half asleep and half awake when we reached the dormitory. He keeps cliging unto me, and lucky enough to bring himself out of histerical- and with a little help from Petra, we managed to bring him up to our room without any injuries and accident. 

"You sure don't need any help anymore?" Petra leaned to pressed her palms against Eren's forehead who's laying on the cold porcelain of our tub. Eren just nod, and so was I. 

"Thanks Petra. You're such a reliable friend." I said- Petra shook her head and smiled. "Just get better soon, 'kay? Anyways I gotta go, take care." I glanced over Petra until I heared the familiar ugly creak of our door - and I signed, staring back at worn out Eren who couldn't take off his eyes from the shower head like there's something missing. I reached for the hem of his shirt and he shifted his attention unto me - with his eyes that breaks me more than he is.

"I'll clean you up." I mumbled with a bit of authority. Eren just nod, though I could still sense the drunk spirit swirling against his head. I brushed it off anyways - We'll talk about this later, when he's all fresh and at least on his own radical mind. 

Once everything of him was taken, I started to wash him with warm water that slides all over his face. Eren didn't even budge or move - his muscle stiff and tense against the caramel skin of his. How beautiful he is? I thought. Soft hair, smooth skin, perfectly carved body - I couldn't still fanthom why he chooses an old pale man against the odds of more attractive human. How weird this kid can be? 

The water stopped running and the steam from the shower started to rise. I reached from the towel hanging against the counter- ruffling it against Eren's chocolate hair and soothing is down his bare chest. "Come on, stand up." I thought he wouldn't listen, and so I was kind of startled when he stood off his feet. The fact that I needed to look up to him just to met his eyes kind of pisses me off. Teenagers in this generation sure grows taller - or it's just me who has been taken by the Gods of short people? I don't know. "How are you feeling? Do you want some coffee? But we only have instant - are you okay with that?" He didn't say a word for a minute or two, he just kept on staring down at me with his fingers pressed against my hips. My chest started to pound, anxiety starting to build up so fast that my breath's turned sharp and stiff.

"I'm sorry." He leaned to embrace me - with his naked body that only a piece of towel serves as garment. His chin poking my forehead as I sniff his neck like a dog smelling his owner. I just wanted to dig inside of his head for that moment. I wanted to know what's bothering him, what made him do such thing to himself and do my very best to make him feel better. But I couldn't. I felt helpless and worthless - like what I am before he came into my life.

"Don't be sorry." Eren released me once, and so my palms found his face. I needed to tip toe a bit to reach him and to peak a kiss against his chapped lips. I could see how startled he is - but at the same time, overwhelmed that his face lit up a bit.

"I love you." I uttered, reminding him that I am here - and there's no any reason for him to grumble alone like he was before. I am here now, and we both need each other, and no one's going to be left behind. "Tell me what's bothering you -" I cutted myself, pulling ourselves out of the bathroom. "But first -go get dress before you catch a cold." 

Eren insist that he could manage himself - and so he ended up with a plain grey hoodie and a pair of sweat pants. I just sat there, watching him closely - digging up some possible clues even though it's just a waste of time. My thoughts were out of this room that I jolted against the bed when Eren crawled up beside the empty space beside me. He hesitated, though - leaving some space between us, glancing at me once in a while but never fixed his sight on anything.

"Eren." I mumbled. "Why the hell are you making some distance?" 

"I'm so embarrased. You even force yourself just to pick me up from the damn trash I turned into." Come on, he's going to cry again. When did he turned out like this? I was the one who used to be the crying baby here, but now it seem that we switch places.

"It's okay." I was the one who tied ourselves, the one who reduced the awful distance he made up. I could feel the shivers against his skin when I get to touch his bare cheek - the once caramel tint was now pale and cold. "Tell me what's wrong?" It's more of like a question than a command. I didn't want to force him to expose such issues he's sensitive about. If he can, then I'll be more than willing to listen- though if not, I'm still here to embrace him until his burdens come to light. 

He stared at me for a second that seem to took us forever. Tears rolling down his soft cheeks, and his bright green eyes seem to fade into darker color. My thumb soothes the lining of his tears, but the liquid continues to rise like a waterfall.  "You want some coffee to calm things down?" But Eren shook his head and gently pulled me whole to wrapped an arm across my waist and the other against my back. 

"They wanted be back in Germany." I haven't thought of any words that could bring me into nullness not until now. A sudden electric shock sparks against the lining of my spine that made my whole body gone numb in coldness. I gripped against the fabric of Eren's jacket, and I could feel my fist trembling in anger and dismay. I couldn't bring myself to whip nor to cry for how unfortunate this relationship is. All I wanted to do is to scream until my lungs burnt with grimed air. To sprint in the middle of a rumble and hit everything that laid on my fist and hurt myself until I can no longer stand by myself. How can everything be so cruel? I just got better, our feelings are yet to be settled, and now that I had finally realized that I love him.. then this?! 

"I love you. I can't be alone again. Please, Levi." This is all my fault. I never had comprimised that Eren is just a kid - a rich ass kid who has an influencial folks that could break even the thickest wall in the universe. I never thought of the circumstances we're going to face, and now it's here - coming like an unwarned storm that could kill us both. This selfishness I possesed just brought me into this uncontrollable chaos. But it seem that it ain't just a scratch that could be patched by any band aids. This is me against his family. This is the world against us.

"Please tell me you're not giving up on me, Levi. Say something. Please." Eren starting to sob histerically - though he never freed me from his tight embrace. I couldn't stand the sight of him being so desperate, and the fact that I was in control of it felt worse. 

"I'm begging you. Let's go somewhere else. Just a month or two - then we'll come back when everything is settled." That's it. That's how he wanted to fix everything - and that's the least action I had thought of, the most stupid and the most coward action I had ever heared. Yet that's the only choice we have. I can give up everything for him. My carrer, friends I never really had, my car, this place where I spend almost half of my life - literally everything. Sanity has completely left me. Selfishness drowns me. It was true what most people had to say : love is blind. It blinds us to what is right and wrong. It blinds us to see the fantasy we've dreamed of. And it kills us - though I wouldn't care, with Eren, I wouldn't care at all.

"Sure, let's go somewhere else - for a month or two." I said, without asking the reason why they wanted him back, or is it involves me or anything between us. It'll just be a month or two. Just for a limited time - until everything is settled. That's how big my trust is to him. I trust everything of me to him, and it'll be the death of me if he dust it with mud or shits. 

"Thank you. God, I love you so much, Levi."


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't updated for ages (a year and a half, to be exact) and I am very sorry specially for people who's rooting for me to finish this fic. :( it makes me sad to even think about it. I haven't write for a long time so excuse my lack of skills while doing this. It's a short chapter, but there's a lotta more to go. Thank you!

I was half asleep when a sudden touch of cold skin caressed my cheek. I grumbled under my throat and snuggle my nose into something t hat is weighing on top of me. I hear a deep sign as I tighten my arms around the delicate fabric and skin that keeps me warm in this chilly atmosphere. I was about to drown back to a slumber when another freezing skin cup both my cheeks.  
“Eren, we need to get ready.” Levi mumbled impatiently as I shift ourselves to a side. His palms slowly slide off my face and I pouted at the absence of his touch.  
“Hmmm – five minutes.” Levi uttered another disappointed sign before pulling himself gently from my intertwined arms. “Come on Eren. We’ll gonna miss the flight if you keep clinging.” I surrender, unlocking my embrace from him and swayed my body against the mattress, back flat. I felt Levi shifting against the bed as I chaf my hands against my weary eyelids. My head seem to stuck against Levi’s pillow, his scent lingering into my hair which makes it more difficult to move. I surprisingly manage to lift my head off the lazy state and open my eyes to see Levi trying to find the light switch by touching the wall and hoping for luck. I chuckled as I adore his cuteness from the distance. Once he found the switch, the lights beamed against my sight that made me rub my eyes a bit harsh.   
“Cafeteria is probably close, we’ll just grab some Mcdonalds or something?” Levi yawned before streching his small frame as if it’ll increase his body length. I just grumble, too lazy to even talk at this moment.   
“Jaeger.” He hissed. I stared at him in null, my eyes are still adjusting from the stinging light. I stared at him for another seconds, not knowing what to do because my brain is basically function less at this moment. Who’s in the right mind to make themselves functional at 4 in the morning? “Are you just gonna stare at me until we miss the flight or are you going to shower?” A sudden shock run through my spine that made my skin tingle in such cringe. Did he said... shower? At 4 fucking A.M.?!  
“It’s too cold for a shower Levi…” I pouted and made a childish kick underneath the immaculate comforter. Levi signed again, crossing his arms against his chest.  
“Stand up. Now.” He glared at me and as quick as a fox, I strech myself out of the mattress and make lazy steps towards him. Levi gently pushed me by the back, leading me towards the bathroom door. I let my body dangle in such zombie-like way as my head dangle in every step I take. When we reached the bathroom mirror, Levi pulled the hem of my white shirt and slowly peel it against my skin. I felt the coldness hugging my back and I groaned again like an animal while pulling Levi into my chilled torso and press my nose at the corner between his neck and shoulder. “Cold..” I mumbled under my breath. Levi continues to tug my sweatpants steadily as if he didn’t hear me protest. I made a huge pout for the second time, observing his tiny fingers as they slide down my thighs to my ankle. I was too drowsy to even react, but I felt my face heated up a little when he starts to strip down in front of me, his sweater, his boxers and everything until nothing is left except his naked posture.   
“Awake now?” Levi smirked before pulling me under the shower head, my boxer still covering my lower part. I want to play it cool and lazy just to see what he’ll do, even though my veins are currently pumping into a rapid lust – plus I’m still pretty sleepy. “You’re such a baby.” He gave me a tiny smile and I can’t help but to muffle my arms around his neck. “You should be more like this Levi.” I grasp his tiny physic closer to mine that I could almost feel his heart pumping blood. I couldn’t clarify to myself the feeling of lightness my chest afloat. His warmth, his skin, his scent, his everything, all is mine and no one else. The facts are so overwhelming, like a waterfall gashing against the boulders of a rock, or a roller coster with a three consecutive loops standing three hundred feet above the ground. I don’t know. I never felt this kind of heavenly ecstasy. Levi seem to melts every single sting of desolation in my system.  
I was living in a daydream when the warm water drench upon my back. I inch myself from him, making another of my signature childish pout. Levi smirked as he shove my body into the shower head, wetting my hair and everything under it.   
“You’re so cruel.” Levi just rolled his eyes and reach for the shampoo bottle on the left rack. He pour a generous amount on his palm before massaging my hair and scalp into a bubble. “Close your eyes, J’sus.” And I shut my weary eyes, feeling his delicate hands linger over me. Even with the absence of my sight, I could still feel how careful Levi’s touch is, the way he nibbles the back of my ear with his fingers, the way he caress my arms down to my hands, the way his thumb kneads my cheeks and simply the way his skin touches mine.  
“It’s my turn.” I was a bit disappointed when he stopped bathing me, but then when I lift my heavy eyelids, I realize that it’s a better sight to see. I watch Levi carefully as he wash himself. It’s a bit stupid to say that I never felt the urge to fuck him right now and then, but I am honestly just in content mesmerizing simple things about him. His porcelain skin, his jet black hair, his undercut, his ass, his tiny feet… just, ugh. Simply beautiful.   
I was utterly dazed in fantasies when Levi wrap a towel around me. I never actually noticed that my boxer is gone before I even come back to my senses to remove them myself. Levi swab the piece of cloth against my head before jokingly nag. “Do I even need to carry you back to the room or you could just use that feet?” I bit my lip timidly. “Ugh, I know! I’m not a morning person.” I pouted, rubbing the towel against my head, completely naked underneath. I followed Levi back into the chilly space of our room then quickly dress ourselves. I decided to dress myself simply, because one, I’m just gonna sleep at the flight anyways and two, I’m still lazy as hell. I put on a pair of navy blue jeans, a V-neck shirt under my hoodie jacket and a grey cotton scarf to fight off the breeze. Levi, on the other hand, making himself look casual as he usually do. A pair of black jeans, white polo shirt and a long coat that actually reminds me of dog shit’s color. Our baggage are all set and ready, thanks for Levi’s OCD, plus he never let me help anyways because according to him, I’ll just mess everything up, which is partially true.  
It was around 5:30 am when I finish buckling our luggage in Levi’s car. At first glance, Levi seem to already recovered from the accident, but the doctor said that he still needed some time to be fully functional. At this state, he isn’t allowed to run, drive, jump or do any extreme activities that might break a bone. His physical body gradually coping up, though. He can now walk without clinging against anything, and his mental health getting better, no more panic attacks, no more nightmares, though his depressive episodes are still on him. I’m pretty sure that he’s living with it even before I came to his life, just like my bad habits, and it annoys me that I couldn’t do anything about it.  
“Should I open the heater?” I asked as I start the car’s engine. This country’s weather is a whole sack of weird and unpredictability. Last week was warm then the next will be a mixture of thunders and rain.   
“Just close the windows.” I started to move the stirring wheel, getting use to the huge piece of junk. In all honesty, this is my first time to manually drive a car that probably cost under $300,000. It wasn’t my fault to born as if I’m a royalty, but see? I fall in love with a guy owning an old, scratched XUV.   
The road is almost isolated, with a couple of cars casually coming in every ten minutes. It was as if midnight, streetlights illuminating on the ground and lifeless buildings stood on either side. I couldn’t take my eyes off the road, drowning into the thought of Levi’s accident. I couldn’t risk him anymore, not when I’m with him. I snap a quick glance over the rear view mirror, seeing Levi staring back into me with a soft, worried expression.   
“You okay babe?” He was kind of startled when I broke the silence. I made a low chuckle and glance to him with a smirk. “I’m not a pig, Eren.” I hate that I couldn’t see his expression and I couldn’t make fun of him. Levi sure is the cutest thing ever whenever he gets mad or embarrass.   
“I’m asking if you’re okay but you manage to complain over ‘babe’?” I teased with my attention still on the road.   
“Fuck off Jaeger.” I chuckled as Levi crossed his arms against his chest, being embarrass as usual.  
“So cold…” I pouted, pushing the gas gradually against my feet. Sure, Levi is cold and placid and stubborn. Sometimes I doubt that he actually feels the same towards me, or if, I love him more than he love me in so much difference. But as I think of it, who else would give up his career because of my weak ass? Who else would give me so many chances after hurting them? Who else would risk his credibility as a respected person just to save me from the life I lost any control? Who else? Mikasa? Armin? Mom? Dad? No one. Only him. So even how much coldness of personality he persive to me or to the world, it won’t change the fact that he loves me. Showing it might not be easy for him, but the ignorant and stubborn kid I was before can’t be argue anymore.   
“Tch. I always been cold.”  
“You’re not supposed to be cold to me though?”  
“And why not?”  
“Cause you love me.” Levi fell silent for a moment, his car’s ancient engine serves as the background music between us both. It became so uncomfortable for another seconds so I decided to break it off with “Or maybe not?” I can’t help but to feel pained, even though I know that he honestly do love me. People say actions speaks louder than words, but maybe I deserve a couple of words to make me feel assured, or simply just to make me feel happy. That’s how you wanna make people you love anyway right? Happy. But Levi, he never said a word after that. I was hanged with my own words echoing against my ear “Or maybe not, Or maybe not, Or maybe not.”   
“Should we grab a breakfast now?” I dropped the topic off, just to stop the last words from swirling around my mind. I can’t do anything about him being too placid and cold.   
“I do.” I hear him mumble.  
“Hm?” I was a bit confused, maybe he just means yes for my offer, so I shrugged it off and continue driving. I manage to drive off to a Mcdonald’s store within a minute. There’s literally just two cars parked in front. The ground fell in total silence when I turned the engine off. I glance at Levi, before unbuckling my seatbelt off. It wasn’t normal for him to stay in place like that, not moving an inch or anything even after I killed the damn junk engine.  
“Hey what’s up?” I jerked off my seat to face his over-so-serious expression. He stared back at me with his stinging grey eyes, as if he wanted to stab me by the chest and crawl his tiny hands to pull off my internal organs. “Okay you’re scaring me now.” I could feel my eyebrows knotting together, waiting for his blow.   
“I do, idiot.” He crossed his arms against his chest for the hundred time today. Ugh, it’s too early for me to deal with crossing of arms and death glares.  
“You do what?” I asked confusingly.  
“I do love you. Fucking idiot.” I breathed heavily as I felt my tense muscles slowly calming down into relaxation. I gave him a genuine, calm and sweet smile, kneading my thumb against his left cheek that’s undeniably turning into a blush. My chest going crazy, as if a sleeping gorilla manage to woke up inside it. I wanted to scream the rapture on me as if the world will end tomorrow, but instead, I calmly gave him an innocent forehead kisses and murmured. “I know. I just wanna hear it from you, from this lips.” And I speck a kiss against his thin, chapped lips. A careful, quick kiss.  
“I love you too.” I unbuckle his seatbelt, admiring his adorable red face. “Let’s go.”   
We ended up dining in instead of a take out, as Levi insisted. How can he eat without a table? He can’t eat while I’m driving can he? The coffee is too hot to be taken off the car. And another couple of reasons why taking out is a bad idea. I just ordered an egg muffin for all I care, but Levi choose pancakes and coffee, which might require a table if you’re not of a multi-tasker.   
“I hate fast foods.” Levi mumbled under his chewing mouth.  
“Well it happens that the fast food you hate is the only store open 24/7” I said, sipping my soda instead of coffee shit.  
“Soda at this time? Really Eren?”  
“It’s sugar.” I rolled my eyes.  
“Didn’t make you less stupid tho.” I signed, holding up my hands in the air to surrender. I’ll never win at him. Too smart, too stubborn and too old. Damn Eren, why did you even caught an eye with this type of guy and why are you so in love with him? “Okay, fine Mr. Older-than-me. You win.”  
Levi smiled. Okay, that was weird. Levi never smile. He smirk, sign, grumble, moan, but he never smile. And damn, he takes my breath away with just a simple act of stretching the sides of his mouth towards his cheeks. I was too mesmerized that time seem to halt and the whole universe got swallowed by a massive black hole.   
“Eren?” Levi flicked his hands to catch my floating conscious. I blinked a couple of times, time and universe slowly pulling my feet into reality. “Are you still drowsy? Here’s my coffee.” Levi handed me the paper cup, and I couldn’t decline him for a reason of, one : there’s no way I’ll tell him I was fantacizing him, and two : I’m honestly still a bit drowsy. I hate coffee for heaven’s sake, but I don’t wanna make Levi worry either. I took a couple of sip, then for a half second, the aftermath of it’s granules lingers against my tounge like a tabacco smoke.   
“How was it?” Levi asked with yet another worried tone.   
“Awful, but we’ll be late. Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My IG is @alyxxai :')


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not a story twisting chapter but yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I actually don't know if anyone is reading this since I kept it hanged for so long but if someone do, thanks! :)

The flight supposed to depart at around 7, but for some reasons, it got delayed for another hour. I was furious for the inconvenience and was about to make a fuss when Levi tucked my arm against him to stop me from causing an awful scene. I manage to tone down my cracking nerves with Levi massaging my hand under his dog shit coat. We sat at the waiting area together with a hundreds of passengers awaiting the damn delayed flight. I pressed a couple of fingers against my right temple, nagging a silent rant inside my head. I’m never patient. I tend to throw terrible fits over simple things that doesn’t go with what I wanted. Stubborn, uncompromising, selfish, brat, and a hundreds other adjectives that can be used to label me. It is one of hundred things that I loath to myself, though I couldn’t cease it even how hard I try. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I only have Armin as my friend since kindergarden.  
“You’re too impulsive.” Levi tilted to reach my ear for a murmur. He continues to press his thumb in between my finger bones and slide it down my palm with a bit of pressure. Levi seem to be more affectionate after seeing me falling apart in a drunk-tard state while crying myself out like I was about to be executed the day after tomorrow. I was too caught by my own misery that I nearly neglected how will Levi cope up with the bad news. I couldn’t dissolve everything into my head. When Levi saw me on that old café, his odd heartbeat on our way home, the way his expression turn into grimace while he bath me, and every distressed look he makes whenever I deteriorate in my own head. He doesn’t deserve to share the feeling of horrendous torment I’m going through, yet here he is, paining himself while trying to send me comfort in anyway he can.  
I took a deep breath, making an attempt to chill the fuck down. I lean my back against the chair, tilting my head to face the high ceiling. I breath again, then Levi started to work on my other hand, doing the same motion. “Geez, if you weren’t here….” I signed.  
“If I weren’t here you wouldn’t be here in the first place. Now stop stressing yourself Eren.” Damn his smart mouth that never fails to make logical arguments. He’s too smart for a selfish brat I am. Why did I even think that I deserve him? All I did was stupid things and dark plans to bring him down for no sensible cause at all. I just felt like I needed to torture him and woosh, I fall in love instead. But when you come to think of it, we never know each other that much nor he even open up significant occasions about his life, and neither did I. All we are contain of is the present, our current stand off, but never did we knock off the story behind our present behavior, fears, doubt and everything. Hanji made a short story about Levi’s tragic past, but that’s it. We’re so close, yet so far.  
“Fine. I won’t stress out. Plus I’m still a bit sleepy so don’t blame me.” I lift my back off the chair and stare closely at Levi, his thumb cautiously pressing the joints between my hand and fingers. I watch him carefully and realized how tiny he is. He is as if a porcelain doll that could break so easily with just a single fall. He is so pale and his jet black hair makes him look fairer. “I told you to sleep early that night yeah? But you listen like a kid.” I then recall him being on top of me, snoring against my chest as I scroll down my phone for the next couple of hours. Sure, maybe I should listen to him more often and stop being such a baby. “You sound like a mum.”  
I snorted, itching a finger against my button nose. For a second, the distress caused by the delayed flight abruptly melted into thin air. Levi inch his hands from mine and every clogged blood into my veins gradually flowing into relaxation. He glanced up to me, wearing an infamous twisted annoyance. “Should I call you my son now?” Levi rest his back against the waiting chair, sliding his cold hands inside his coat pocket. It’s getting oddly cold for mid October. Well, it is supposed to get chilly for this season, but the cold is absolutely bone chilling that my mouth starting to make air puffs whenever I speak. It reminds me of the winter Germany and Armin and weird people attending my old high school. I shouldn’t be missing the life I left behind, but it seems like missing is a mandatory set up humans feel as everyone grows up. It is missing that fears me the most. Not the lost, not the forgotten, not the people I’ve taken for granted. It is the feeling of missing that could kill people, the longing of the past, pulling us into a reality that life will never pull us backwards, and the things we used to love will either stay or we’ll just live apart from it. Have you ever miss a scent? A feeling? A smile? A drink? A place? That’s what I am feeling right now. I miss that moment in my life when all I would care about is how to defeat Mikasa in a snow ball fight. I miss being able to chill around Armin without anything to bother about. I miss pop’s old dusty window and the smell of cinnamon every early morning at Arlert’s kitchen. I miss myself, the one who knew how to make friends, my old self who finds happiness and contentment in simple things, just the 8 year-old Eren who likes pancakes and hot chocolate. But now, I don’t even know where I am going, even with the love of my life beside me. What else do we have? A credit card that will be probably be cancel when my parents found out that I am missing, Levi’s savings and a little bit of amount I gathered from selling my brand new car. It’s a chaos. I didn’t realize how much of a wreckage life would come. I thought life was easy, and yes, it was, but without my parents fortune, where will my ass end up with?

My hands found Levi’s lower back, crawling it down until his warmth overwhelms me. I settle my chin against his shoulder, my other hand slides inside his coat pocket and took a grip of his tiny hands. I closed my eyes, welcoming Levi’s vanilla scent but lacking it’s authenticity since he stopped smoking. I made myself comfortable as possible, trying to brush my anxious conscience and to just drown myself into a fantasy I am dreaming of. I just wanted everything to fall into place. But it seems that the best is over and the worse is yet to come. Levi let out a cough, tangling our fingers beneath the thick cloth of his coat.  
“Thinking about?” I felt his lips against my head, warm breath tangling against my hair.  
“Just stupid things.” I shrugged with my eyes still close.  
“What stupid things?”  
“Just –“ My tounge seem to tied itself. Should I tell him my worries? But I don’t wanna add yet another burden. He’s done too much and I am just being a parasite to him.  
“You can tell me everything.”  
I took a deep breath before any word flows out of my mouth. How can I not tell him? Levi never makes me feel like I am fighting alone. He’s got my back every single time – from my best to my worse and even to my shitty, selfish attitude.  
“I’m just… scared.” I felt Levi’s body tensed, his grip on my hand gets tighter as if telling me not to let go.  
“So am I.” It seems that every gut in me crashed down 300 feet above the ground. I couldn’t move a single muscle, every joint in my body locked like a rusty metal iron. My heart dropped from my chest and I can literally felt it shatter against the glass tiles where our feet stood. Scared turn into terrified then into despair. He didn’t made me feel any better. Geez, Levi. “We both are scared, Eren.” He rubs my hand with a thumb before continuing. “We’re both stuck in a fucked up and coward decision. Literally everything and everyone around us doesn’t want us to be together, so what else can we do? It’s not like I’m gonna let anyone take you away from me. Fuck no, okay?!” Levi stopped to breath, but I know he’s got something more to say and so I waited. “We just need some time to think, and most importantly, we need to trust each other. Look at me.” I straighten my back to meet his eyes and the height difference kinda annoys me. Levi’s face soften when he saw my expression lit up. My head was lighter and my heart had been pulled back into place.  
“Do you trust me?” He asked and I nodded.  
“And I trust you too, okay?” And a sudden pang of ache made me dizzy, so sudden that my stomach turns upside down and my tounge urge me to throw up. The cruelty I’ve done in the past flashes at the back of my head. Hanji, then Jean then my Mum and Dad and Mikasa. Even my skin prickles at the idea of Levi knowing everything – him cursing me, loathing me, leaving me. But for how long will this gruesome secret stay concealed? I never want to know.  
**  
I needed to press a finger against the opening canal of my ear because of the rapid increase in altitude. Levi, on the other hand, grab a fashion magazine on our way up the departure area and flipping the pages casually like the altitude isn’t affecting him at all. After like 5 minutes which seem to ran for ages, I felt comfortable enough to snap the sleep spirit luring against my head again. I yawn, my eyes watery in sleepiness. I glanced into my phone, the picture of me and Levi flashed into my screen. Levi sitting in between my legs, wearing a grey sweatshirt and a weary expression for I took it right after waking him up for breakfast. Me sitting behind him, bending on the right side just to take a snap of us with a bed hair and a tousled bedding. I remember Levi groaning in annoyance, saying “It’s too early Eren. Just fuck off.” But when I told him to smile for a picture, he actually did (though he still look annoyed as fuck). I smirked like an idiot, checking the time before turning off my phone.  
“Aren’t you going to sleep?” I slide a travel pillow against my neck, shifting my hips from side to side until I get the perfect position.  
“I’ll sleep when I feel like it.” He flipped on the other page, a female model with a weird combination of coat and slacks darted upon the paper sheet.  
“You sleep like a chicken.”  
“And you sleep like a polar bear in mid-december.” I signed, defeated. Whenever I spit out random comments about him or his behavior, never did he failed to make a cheeky come back.  
“ ‘Kay smart pants. Wake me up when it’s done.”  
“Of course.” The uptight, placid and cold Levi I had known slowly revealing his other persona. The more I spend time with him, the more he unleashed his hidden self he refuses to give up. He’s more than a gloomy man and his rude criticisms, in fact, he is far from that. Levi is sweet, caring, attached, funny, adorable and I could go on for hours spilling positive adjectives known to english language.  
I slipped an eye mask and for a split second, I miraculously fell into a deep sleep. It wasn’t too fancy, no dreams, no bad dreams, no lucid dreaming or whatever. Just a plain, odd darkness where I couldn’t feel a thing nor my conscience. It’s just a blank, meaningless state. A temporary death, though I could feel my back aches casually because of not moving for so long.  
A soft tug awakens me and I realized that sleeping didn’t help me at any cost at all. I felt a hundred times more tired and a hundred times more sleepy instead of a fully energized body. I didn’t budge any kind of movement, for every stand of muscle in my limbs and neck is currently sore.  
“Eren, we’re almost here.” He took off my eye mask, and I wrinkled my nose in anticipation of the light beaming into me.  
“Ugh, so tired.” Surprisingly, I cope to open my eyes and straight back to my seat.  
“Do you think they brought my car back in Legion’s by now?” Levi pull the covers off me and started to fold them carefully like a maniac he is. “You think the valet parking thingy works? Should I call them?” I utterly brushed off Levi’s rant when the plane started to touch down in the runway. I stared aimlessly into the tiny window. The sky is grey, and the majority of the sight my eyes could behold is green and pale brown, with a hint of dark blue in some corners. As the plane took further and lower, a mountain from the distance stretched from a wild range. My eyes widen in excitement as sugar rush pump through out my body. The foreign view seem to send information into my brain that I am not tired at all.  
“Look at that Levi.” I hushed in a mixture of antonishment and happiness without taking my eyes off outside. I shift my glance back to Levi, and I caught him staring at me with such contentment. He looks at me too warmly that I could feel his longing embrace. I smile at him, then he smiled back, and suddenly, everything that bothers me melts away, even the soreness of my muscles. I am so floating on cloud nine and I don’t really mind dying at all.  
“Welcome to Bern.”  
It was as if we’re passing through a time machine, going back to a period when the world hasn’t discovered nuclear bomb yet. The road where the taxi passes is not like any other road we usually see in busy cities of a modern time. It was a color of dried mud, which every single building has seemed to made off. I couldn’t get any sight of such iron and metal construction, nor any building standing higher than 100 feet. Nothing covers the sky and the air tastes so free and everything just reminds me of freedom. I poke my head out the taxi’s window, inhaling the fresh, humid scent of the Old City of Bern. The air ruffles my head, as if a father being so proud of his child or a brother teasing his younger sibling. It’s so comforting in any way, like I could feel a life I never really had lived. I came back to my seat to check on Levi, staring aimlessly at the rock buildings as we passed by. I couldn’t help but to smile – I smiled too many times since we arrived. I was kind of startled when Levi snap a glance on me and he caught me smiling like an innocent kid.  
“Are you happy?”  
“More than happy. More than anything, Levi. I feel like I’ve been away for so long and I just came back home.” Levi held my hand, tracing circles against it with his thumb. An overwhelming gesture telling me that he feels the same.  
“Very well.”  
“Thank you for bringing me here.” And there’s no right words to say how thankful I am. Levi did everything – the tickets, the baggage, the taxi, a place to stay and all the simple things to help me forget the frustrating reality.  
“It’s us, not just me. Thank you too, Eren.”  
The taxi dropped us in front of a tiny, old looking house with a massive, triangular roof and a chimney standing at the edge. The windows and the door are the ones that caught my curios child. The entrance was made of rugged wood, rugged with authenticity and stories to tell. It was a color of rusty green, the two windows on either sides has the same size as the door and I kind of think that’s hilarious. I pulled our baggage on either side after the driver took them out of the rear. I overhear Levi giving him thanks, but then I was too caught up.  
“Hand me my baggage.” Levi tugged against his bag and I turned to gave him a confused stare.  
“You can’t. I’ll take care of it. Do you have the keys?” Levi signed in defeat. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and dial a number and before I could ask anything, a brunutte, petite girl stand walking from the weird looking door. She smiled at our direction, gesturing a hand for us to come in.  
“She looks nice.” Levi elbowed my ribs and I acted as if it hurts, but then can’t help but to chuckle at Levi’s sharp glare. Levi lead while I pull the heavy baggage behind me.  
“Hi! Is it Levi?” The girl waved at Levi then at me, and as I observed, I presume she is not more than 17, or maybe I am wrong. Levi gave a her a nod without any words.  
“I am Magnolia. Welcome to my humble apartment.” The brunutte named Magnolia pulled a tiny bear keychain against her pocket. She is wearing a Sunday dress, ever so white which made her deep blue eyes stand out more. “Here.” She handed a key to Levi and they had a small talk about house rules and inclusions. I heared there’s a koi garden at the back house, and that simply get me so excited. “Enjoy your stay, and if you need anything, I’m one call away. My flat is just a couple of blocks away. ”  
“Thank you so much, Magnolia.” She gave shy smile to Levi then to me before taking her leave. I managed to gave her a wave when she looked back over her shoulder. She reminds me of Armin so much for some reasons. Armin. I couldn’t even behold when was the last time we had a proper conversation. That kind of make me sad. I’ll probably call him later and… maybe tell him everything.  
It was when Levi poke my cheek that I snapped out of another weary thinking. “You’re dazing again.” My fingers tightened against the baggage, blood escaping from my knuckles. I gave Levi a faint smile to assure him that there’s nothing to worry about.  
“It looks like we’re living in our own place now.”  
“For a while, yeah.” For a while, and I guess that’s better than nothing.


End file.
